10/08/2026
Setting boundaries around screen use or anything else in life.
What is a boundary? What is an arbitrary abusive rule?
A boundary is ‘set’ when two or more people come together and discuss their individual needs – and then come to a collaborative agreement on how all parties can get their needs met in the same space/ same time etc without one party being discriminated against, deprived or robbed of their ability, or denied their uniqueness, or need to be themselves . ALL parties have their say in the ‘set boundary’ and NOONE is; degraded, detrimented, demeaned, disadvantaged, manipulated, influenced/swayed or dictated to or limited by, unfairly restricted/restrained, or left devoid of; autonomy, control, equity, fairness, justice, or equal standing.
A boundary is the coming together of people for the benefit of all. It’s where all parties feel safe to express themselves and their individual needs AND understand that others also have their uniqueness that needs to be expressed and honoured, with their needs equally considered and met.
An arbitrary abusive rule is where one party decides the fate of another; with complete bias, control, manipulation and dictatorship of others and their needs. This is where the person “in control” (in the case of children – the adult, either teacher, parent or person of power) decides what the rule is going to be and then pronounces it to others and expects unquestioned compliance.
This often occurs with utterly no understanding or conversation about the other party/ parties needs, abilities/ disabilities, trauma or anything else. It is a DICK move! A DICKtator move.
Most schools, authoritarian parents and as***le bosses will use the ‘rules’ option. They set rules with complete ignorance and then expect subservience, obedience, conformity and submission.
It’s funny to me that the antonym to conformity is “Divergence”. Because that’s what we do and want – we want freedom, autonomy and respect as neurodivergent people. And yet the Neuronormative society only want, expect and set rules in order to achieve conformity. Conformity does not get you respect – it actually warrants and receives deep disrespect.
If you want to have your needs met; whether it’s as a teacher teaching a classroom full of students, or as a parents living with your children, or as a boss working with your employees – you have two choices.
Setting a rule will get you that deep and abiding disrespect as a human who is unable to actually work with and respect other people and their needs. But if you want to actually get along with those in the world, and those closest to you …..
Setting boundaries collaboratively is what will get you that respect, kindness and your needs met.
When you control – the people you try to control will hate you for it – but they will also try to find ways around it
When you collaborate – the people around you will be more willing to listen to you and your needs, and meet them, and ask for their own REASONABLE needs to be met simultaneously. The struggle stops – and the learning, working and living together begins.
You can see it in society daily. If you have a dictatorship society – you have a deeply unhappy society and one that eventually revolts, because the ones at the bottom are not coping or surviving.
If you have a “TRULY” democratic society – where everyone is treated kindly and with equal respect – you have a productive, happy society, where all people – (not just the ones at the top) are thriving.
If you are setting rules in a classroom or for your own children – you will possibly see anger, aggression, violence, or perhaps the students/children being sneaky, lying, (even sometimes doing illegal things like stealing), they’ll try getting around your rules, running away/eloping, refusing to do things etc.
If you have a collaborative home/ classroom (where you set boundaries together) – you’ll see that the children feel safe – they feel they are respected and give respect in return. They feel safe to learn and to impart learning to their peers. To work together to the benefit of self and others.
If you are setting a rule about the amount of time another person can use a ‘screen’ – you are doing the DICKtator thing. If you instead teach your child how to be safe online, give them tools to be safe, to play safely, to interact safely, to come to you (as the adult) when they feel unsafe or are unsure about something – you have not just taught them vital life skills that they’ll need forever more – you have effectively parented (or ‘adulted)- AND you have successfully made it safe for a child to set their own healthy balanced limits around screens.
Learning to limit yourself healthily is one of the most important life skills any human can learn. To learn to moderate all things – is learning to help yourself and protect yourself. To moderate alcohol, food, sugar, medications, toxic people or relationships, sleep, play, work, and yes – screens, is something that you don’t learn from someone else limiting those things for you. You only learn those things by self-exploration, making mistakes and gorging yourself.
I learnt that relationships – no matter the type of relationship (student/ teacher, parent/ child, boss/employee, romantic partners, me v’s food, me v’s screens, me v’s work etc) can all be harmful. I didn’t learn that from being limited to access to them – I learnt that from lived experience…. And a lot of it.
If you are needing to have a discussion with your child about their screen use, because you deem it to be unhealthy –
you first need to de-school yourself or unlearn your own prejudices against screens. Screens aren’t dangerous (unless they’re hurtled at your head) – they are inanimate objects without feeling or malice – but what people do on them is dangerous. If you’ve taught your children well – how to stay safe, how to keep good mental health etc, then the only ‘danger’ are things like not balancing activity/ movement, which can affect fitness or physical health.
A child may learn this vital skill by being inactive for too long, gaining weight or being properly informed. The informing – is your job as the adult… teaching them about physical activity and movement and what happens to your body when you sit still for too long. You can do this through many differing mediums and methods. Through modelling, by telling/ lecturing/ teaching, giving examples, doing both active things and inactive things and discussing how they feel before, after and during and how they feel long term with doing either excessively. Too much movement can be bad for you too btw.
2nd: you need to discover what about the screens the child needs, is craving, is not getting elsewhere and then meet those needs.
Talk to them, investigate, watch, take notes and discuss. The child may not know specifically what they are getting out of it, only that when they don’t have it – they become angry, annoyed, bored, tired, depressed etc. That’s NOT addiction!!!!! – that’s an unmet need.
When a child feels bereft or harmed by not having a ‘thing’ – then that ‘thing’ is serving a purpose – you need to figure out what that purpose is.
A toddler may ‘need’ a specific stuffed toy for comfort, if you remove that toy – you cause them harm – you make them literally “uncomfortable”. Before you remove that toy (but please don’t, because you’re an as***le if you do)…. Fix the unmet need. Find another way to give them safety, comfort and whatever else that toy is giving them. Is it allowing them to stim, is it a sensory need, does it remind them of you when you aren’t available, does it soothe in a specific way etc etc etc etc etc etc etc.
The same happens with screens! They meet a need!
I’ve written about this extensively – check out my other blogs/books to help you identify the unmet need…. But here’s a quick list:
• Screens help ND people escape their monotropic brain, or
• help them enter monotropic flow state and do a deep dive into something
• they help us self-regulate when others aren’t available
• they help us co-regulate when we only feel safe with online people
• or co-regulate with an interactive game when no people feel safe
• help us get out all the rage we experienced during the day
• escapism from negative thoughts
• for learning and education
• for working and wage
• learning about NT’s and how to survive in this ableist world
• for stimming, typing or playing games is a great stim for some
• Hobbies and special interest
You need to realise that screens do more than one thing for ND people, they meet multiple needs at the same time. And you have to realise that no matter how many ideas you have for replacing the screen – nothing will often meet the unmet need if you try to remove them. That’s why you never remove a screen from an ND person…. EVER!
Screens are unique in the ND persons life, and in some cases – nothing can or ever would replace it. You need to get on board with that. You don’t need to change the ND person – you need to change your lens and help them to be the best person they can be – WITH screens. You need to go back to basics – with your own brain/ biases and stigmas. You need to learn autistic or ADHD or dyslexia or tourettes, or whatever other ND language, communication or need it is – and learn to love them the way they are.
I learnt to love my parents/ friends/ kids – who have hobbies or interests that I personally dislike or hate – you need to learn to love your ND person with their screen hobby. Don’t limit them – don’t be ‘that’ guy. Work with them, not against them. Collaborate – don’t DICKtate.
BTW: I’m fully aware that society has ‘rules’ – that are there to protect the population. But that population were instrumental in making those ‘rules’ and in a democratic society – (which we all wished we lived in), those rules would be/are collaboratively brought into existence with the say of the people.
In the UK and Australia (and other countries) – we have MP’s who bring the will of the people to government – so we can enter bills and ‘rules’ which are voted on by those MP’s. If those MP’s don’t vote the way the people want – the people vote them out. Unfortunately, all over the world right now, those MP’s have been doing the wrong things and have been serving their own self interests and racist/ableist agendas – which has caused an imbalance in power and a leaning towards dictatorship again.
This happens every so often in society – and it leads to war…. Just as it does in classrooms and in our own homes. Balance the power back to all members involved – and the war stops. Try it out and see…. Learn from history and don’t repeat it.
A war with your child over their screen isn’t worth it, it won’t solve anything, or teach them anything positive. Instead collaborate with them, I bet you’ll be the one learning something.