09/05/2024
Patience
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Patience
A topic that my cousin Tamer Fouad invited me to ponder & share my insights on.
So, here I am, thinking as I write.
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What is Patience?
Is it breathing through the hardship / unfavourable situation while believing that as it comes, it will eventually pass?
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Let’s take a look at some examples, shall we:
- Cathy has been getting excruciating episodes of migraines that render her almost disabled until they pass. This has been her life for 10 years.
- Jeff got arrested at 25 when he protested against the regime ruling his country and has been in jail for 15 years. He is now 40 years old and still behind bars.
- Becky got cancer and is experiencing pain from the disease and the treatment. Not to mention that because of her disease, she is on long-term disability and the medications cost a lot. She can’t afford home care either. Life isn’t easy for her.
- Rob & Kelly lost their 14-year-old son who struggled with leukemia since he was 7 years old.
- Sandy started his career as an entrepreneur; never was he an employee. Five businesses he started & closed consecutively; giving his all to each one of them; jumping at each & every opportunity possible; and always renewing his hope with creative ideas & approaches. Twenty-two (22) years later he is not only struggling to make ends meet, but he is acquiring debt at a Speedlight.
- Sue got laid-off after 17 years of work. She couldn’t find a job, because she was neither a junior, nor a senior (held managerial positions & acquired fancy titles). She was overqualified for the junior positions and underqualified for the senior roles. The more time it takes her to find a suitable job to apply for, the more she’s pushed (age-wise) towards the senior/consultant roles in the eyes of the hiring committees, but still with a mid-level experience. As time goes, she loses the edge and becomes less & less of a desired employable candidate. She believes that the financial constraints that she’s been under for a long time, has changed the way she views & thinks about money and it scares her.
- Tommy lost his fiancée is a car crash.
- Sheldon got admitted to a lengthy physical rehab program after a serious accident that almost took his life.
- Lost all hope in financial independence; loving relationship; comfortable home; a career where she utilizes her talents & interests; but instead of declaring defeat and labeling her life miserable, Sandra starts investing her time & energy in body-building. She got injured two times. Every time she was forced to stop working-out for 3 months.
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What are Hardships?
1- Health Issues
2- Poverty / Debts
3- Physical Pain / Abuse
4- Emotional Trauma
5- Unsafe Environments
6- Lack of Shelter / Homelessness
7- Bullying (Verbal, Emotional, Physical, …)
8- Humiliation & Discrimination (Lack of Respect/Dignity)
9- Heart Breaks (Deaths, Breakups, …)
10- No Self-Actualization / Lack of Measurable Achievements
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• What is Patience?
• Are we required/advised to employ it? Why?
• OR are we obliged/forced to employ it because we have no other choice?
• What is Patience?
• Is it “Action”, OR “Inaction”?
• Is it “Silence”, OR a “Scream of Agony”?
• Is Patience the same as “Endurance Silently”?
• Is Patience “Numbing”, OR is it “Strengthening”? Why?
• Is Patience a
“State of Letting Time Heal What Life Bruised”?
• OR, is Patience a
“State of Expecting Something Wonderful/Beautiful to Come & Replace the Pain?”
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If Patience is the “State of Expecting Something Wonderful/Beautiful to Come & Replace the Pain”,
- What can come & replace the pain of losing their child who suffered for 7 years (in the case of Rob & Kelly)?
- What can come & replace the years Jeff lost in jail?
- What can come & replace Sandy’s & Sue’s financial struggles and increasing debts?
- What can come & replace the pain of having one door after the other closed in your face (in the case of Sandra)?
- What can come & replace broken marriages, OR traumatic childhoods, OR the loss of loved ones, OR the shattering of dreams?
- What can come & replace Cathy’s & Becky’s years of health struggles?
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So, maybe Patience is the “State of Letting Time Heal What Life Bruised”.
What does this entail?
Maybe it entails “Acceptance” and not “Denial, Resistance & Refusal”.
🤔 What is Acceptance?
Maybe Acceptance is “Enduring in Silence” because “Complaining” does negate “Acceptance”.
Enduring in Silence Without Any Positive Change Can Lead to:
- Numbness of Feelings
- Depression
- Desperation & all Kinds of Wrong Decisions that stem from it
- Despair & Hopelessness
- More Health Issues
- More Mental Issues (maybe even addictions and substance consumption)
- Definitely Social Issues
- Nervous System Issues
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🤔😱 🤔😱 🤔😱 🤔😱 🤔😱 🤔😱
This can’t be it. If this is the result and if Patience has been labelled a “Virtue”, then there got to be an element missing. An element that adds “Hope” and “Light” to the definition.
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So, maybe Patience is:
a) A Scream of Agony to Let Our Feelings Breathe Freely
PLUS
b) A State of Allowing Time to Heal What Life Bruised and Turn the Pain into a Memory
PLUS
c) Expecting Something Beautiful to Come Along & replace the Painful Memory in a Lasting Way (Expecting here means Being Open & willing to See)
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That’s the only way for Patience to keep the title, “Virtue”.
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Let’s Examine the Above 3 Elements:
a) A Scream of Agony
When we are hit by a hardship, we are sad, we are angry, we are devastated, we are hopeless, we are wounded, we feel sick. All those emotions are eating at us. We feel drained and we are stripped of any energy to do anything. At the same time, we may feel betrayed and we want to scream “NOOOOOOOO”. We cannot deny ourselves this phase. We need it. Depending on the hardship and what we feel we lost, this phase can be longer for some people than others. We need to accept where we are as it is; scream, cry; crawl in the corner; lay in bed; cover ourselves up with blankets; stay in our PJs; whatever we need for this swirl of painful emotions to settle-in. In this phase, we adopted our pain and we are not ready to let it go. We are very protective of our pain. We are very raw.
b) Allow Time to Turn the Pain into Memory
The word “Allow” implies our “willingness” for the pain to lessen and start dissipating gradually. Here we are open to some things that can steal our attention from our pain. This is an interesting phase, because we will start regaining some energy that will allow us to participate slowly & mildly in some activities away from our emotions. We will allow ourselves to invite some distractions into our lives. But suddenly a renewed surge of pain may hit us. Maybe a memory or a new mini-hardship. Something will awaken back the pain in us, only to remind us that the pain is still fresh and we are still raw. That’s completely fine. We may find ourselves returning back to the above phase (Crying & Laying in Bed). But it will be shorter this time. We won’t be totally winded. We will feel great pain, but the energy we regained in phase(2) will somehow still be there, so, it is easier to drag ourselves out this time. Again, the rule remains to gradually & compassionately be there for ourselves and what we need. Allow us to be ready to roll-over and get-up.
The words “Turn the Pain into Memory” show the objective of this phase. We are very sensitive to the pain itself. But as time passes and as we engage in useful, constructive distracting activities, the pain gets regulated and eventually it turns into a memory of pain. It’s a fact. It doesn’t mean we no more cherish what we lost. It means we evolved above our pain and it is a merciful divine design.
c) Beautiful Expectations / Openness / Willingness to See
As the pain lessens and morphs into a memory of pain, we gain more & more energy and with it we gain more desire to take positive & forwarding actions. This phase here is like opening a window in our new journey / chapter (the chapter that follows the pain chapter) to see the light, notice the positive, receive the beauty. Here we are opening our heart one more time to breathe a good life. And why not? Our heart deserves it.
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Two More Questions:
1) How can Patience remain protected against the “Numbing Silent Endurance” Effect that sucks the life out of a person?
2) What to do during the “Expecting / Not Here Yet / Not Know When Yet” phase – the unknown, uncertain wait phase?
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The Only Answer I can think of for both questions combined is a Formula:
1) Truth is, some things you cannot change. Some people you will never be able to change. But the only person you can change is you (only because you want to be the best version of yourself). And there are some things that are in your power to change. Focus on what is in your power to change OR do, and Take consistent action to move past the hardship, even if the action is just in your imagination at the beginning. But don’t limit yourself to the imagination. Use it to free yourself & to consider possibilities. Then thank it and go in the real world to make something happen.
2) Stop the wallowing in Self-Pity and Replace it with Self-Praise, Self-Compassion, Self-Empowerment, Self-Encouragement, and Self-Love. (Eat like you love yourself. Talk to yourself about yourself like you love yourself. Walk like you love yourself. Work like you love yourself. Breathe like you love yourself. Move like you love yourself. Build yourself a future that you’d build for someone you really love.)
3) Numbing only takes place in either lack of action (inaction/stagnation), OR the repetitive routine/set of actions. Doing new things. Acquiring new skills. Taking some classes. Trying new activities. Changing things. Mixing it up with things that add to us & help us grow & glow.
4) “People, Environments, Habits & Language we use” – some will keep us imprisoned in our hardships – despite the best of our intentions & the intentions of others. Change inefficient, lazy, hopeless, succumbing habits. Change unproductive, unloving, defeating language. Change if possible or at least detach yourself from toxic environments.
In regards to People, pay attention & notice yourself. For example:
• Sue is struggling with finding a job as we all now know. Her best friend Lilly is both successful & rich. Being close to Lilly demotivates Sue, because she always spots the huge gap between them. It reminds Sue of her stagnation. Lilly’s exuberant & relaxed lifestyle plus the constant support of her family that she doesn’t necessarily need, keeps Sue on a leash (can’t move forward, can’t see farther).
• On the other hand, Sandy who is almost in the same shoe as Sue, gets unmotivated & wallows in a party of self-pity when he hangs out with people who suffer the same circumstances as his.
Which means:
- It is NOT ONE SIZE FITS ALL.
- For some people, solitude can be a place with neutral PH (wellness) level that allows the person to figure out their next step.
- Some people get moving by uncomfortable environments.
- Other people get moving by supportive environments.
- Some people need a helping hand, just so they feel better & capable.
- Other people need to do it on their own and don’t share their plans until fruition.
- It is NOT ONE SIZE FITS ALL.
5) So,
• being Brutally Honest with oneself;
• and always disciplining oneself (lovingly, compassionately & earnestly) to become in a better situation;
• and checking in regularly with oneself on the progress, the goals, and the actions
is Key.
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Summary of Formula that protects us from withering away as we practice Patience:
1) Focus on What You Can Do, Set Sail, Action, Go
2) Empower Yourself Lovingly
3) Challenge Yourself to Grow & Glow
4) The Power of the Quad:
a) Choose Empowering Self-Expression Language;
b) Choose Productive Habits that Create Success;
c) Choose Positive Healthy Environments;
d) Surround Yourself by Who Drive You Forward.
5) Be Your Real Friend/Buddy:
a) Self-Honesty;
b) Self-Discipline;
c) Push Yourself (Dare-Aim-Act-Monitor-Measure & Again)
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As sad as the following may sound like, but I learned (the very hard way) that…
• If you don’t push, mountains won’t move.
• Being optimistic, happy, peaceful, helpful, … and sending good vibes out into the Universe is nice;
But without actively pursuing & making things happen, nothing will change for you, absolutely nothing.
• You can read all the books; attend all the seminars; take all the notes; repeat all the clichés; pour your heart out; dance until you drop; pray until you faint;
But if you don’t take consistent action to move forward, you will stay where you are, only a few years older and you will blame it on “Patience” or maybe you’ll blame it on “Faith”.
We can change our fate. In fact, we are designed to change our fate.
Not by our wishes, dreams, or self-pampering.
But by strategically planning and taking action, while keeping an attitude of “I can do it, I know I can, & I will”.
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So, maybe 🤔
Patience is … Keeping Hope, Faith and Optimism High, while Knowing deep down that despite what hardship we are going through, it is Only up to Us to take action and move Forward.
Any Action is Better than NO Action.
We are Meant to Move Forward and Climb Higher.
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و كيف تكتب عن صبرك على الألم و أنت في غاية الألم؟
و كيف تكتب عن الصبر و أنت تشعر به يذوب من بين أصابعك؟
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و لِما الألم يا بُنيتي؟
لأنني على قيد الحياة ؛ و تتعثر الحياة على الجميع من وقت لآخر بمرارة و لهيب الألم.
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Edited on September 7, 2023 at 5:30pm EST
You know what I realized just now.
Even with the above steps & actions, if the length of the hardship or its severity is long, we can get numb. We can get used to the dark tunnel with no light at the end. We can lose the spark in our eyes & the light in our soul that keep us looking forward to a better tomorrow.
The thing we need to do, in addition to taking the actions mentioned above, is as much as possible, make a better future image in our minds. Keep thinking it, drawing it, painting it with colour. Keep it alive, vivid and beating. This picture will act like our safety tube 🛟 which will lead us to the shore that our heart & soul desire.
Just try to make this picture not dependent on specific people (if your future picture has people in it). Let the people in it have blurry faces for now and just paint their attitude and how they make your life beautiful by being genuinely beautiful.
Wish you all the best.
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©️Amel Abouelhassan
5 September 2023
Image(1): A picture I took of a storefront in downtown Oakville
Image(2): Google Image that I wrote on
