Dorion Dellabough

05/20/2016

The gift

At first the bells sounded like typical church bells, marking the arrival or passing of daily routine as if to say, "Notice that the afternoon is now upon us" or "half your day is gone" - depending on one's perspective. But then they persisted, and this persistence had the effect of gathering my attention - invading my consciousness in order to draw me into theirs. They became (in my mind) joyous and hopeful, ringing out, "Pay attention! Don't let this moment slip into just another moment." So I paid attention.

I attended to the beauty of my surroundings and the expanding sense of gratitude in my body. "How fortunate am I to be present here now, experiencing these thoughts, sensations and emotions." Not only that, I found myself extending beyond my immediate surroundings to appreciating the various relationships in my life. Still, on the bells rang.

They "clinged" and they "clanged" without shyness or any indication that they intended to stop. I sat there on the bench in the graveyard absorbing the volley of sounds and vibrations, held fast in place. My eyes sought out the top of the steeple and I became aware of the sky - the ether which carried and dispersed these tones throughout the town and countryside - beckoning all to join in. "Stop what you are doing," they chimed. "There is something important you need to witness."

I realized that a funeral was taking place and that the bells' purpose was to pronounce the death of someone. I say 'pronounce' because 'announce' does not capture the strength of their message. The ringing out intensified, proclaiming, "A person has died! Do not let this go unnoticed!" It became insistent, almost angry, and I was reminded of the lines:

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Dylan Thomas

A person had died and the bells were not going to tidy up the event with a couple of notes or a moment of silence! I could feel the strength of their proclamation, "A person was here in body and this individual lived a life. Do not assume that to be insignificant! This person who perhaps only a few knew had purpose and affected others in this world.

You are not
a troubled guest
on this earth,
you are not
an accident
amidst other accidents
you were invited
from another and greater
night
than the one
from which
you have just emerged.
David Whyte

Then the bells shifted to exaltation, "What a glorious thing to have the privilege of life!" On they rang, holding me in place. No need to move. No need to get on with 'busy'ness. Just listen and feel.

Slowly, with subtlety and grace, the bells' message dimmed. "It's time to start letting go now - not to forget - to release." I sat there with tears in my eyes until one solitary tone completed the eulogy.

The bells had rang and undulated for more than 15 minutes without pause. It was magnificent! What a fitting send off for a life lived. What a gift to all who were present. What a gift to me.

[I had been visiting the grave site in Switzerland of C.G Jung (1875-1961), the founder of Analytical Psychology - my mentor and guide.]

06/21/2015

For many men, Father's Day has two facets to it.

First, there is one's relationship to one's own father. You may wonder, "What has been my emotional inheritance from him?"

More often than not this will conjure up a mix of emotions including, but not limited to - gratitude, anger, love, longing, loss, hope, hurt, melancholy, disappointment, ambivalence, pride.

There may be hunger for what was or for what never was, and though some may wish to fool themselves, indifference is not a real option!

The second facet for many men is their relationship to their own sons and daughters. You might ask yourself, "What emotional inheritance am I passing on?"

More often than not this can conjure up a similar mix of emotions - gratitude, anger, love, longing, loss, hope, hurt, melancholy, disappointment, ambivalence, pride.

Well, I am a father, and I am a son - and today I am going to revel in the full spectrum of what all of that means for me.

I wish every father a sense of pride and joy today!

Here is an unsophisticated, but heartfelt poem which I wrote many years ago while sitting watching my two young sons playing sports.

It speaks to the way father's often do not speak.

- A Father's Nod -

It's funny just how powerful
a simple nod can be.
A thousand words are spoken
when my father nods at me.

He doesn't cheer or shout or wave
or stand up and applaud.
His way of showing recognition
is with a simple nod.

A nod can mean, "Keep going son.
I know you will succeed."
A nod can mean, "Tough it out.
Sometimes you're going to bleed."

A nod can mean, "I understand
for I have been there too."
A nod can mean, "You're my pride and joy
and I believe in you."

So now I am the father
and I've moved over to the side.
Centre stage is for my sons
I nod at them with pride.

It's funny just how powerful
a simple nod can be.
I nodded to my son
and he nodded back at me.

06/17/2015

Today I’d like to share a story with you… it’s a love story.

Like any good love story, this one involves some tears - particularly because it’s about two onions.

These particular onions came into being as vulnerable little seeds, dependent on their environments for protection and the nutrients of life.

As each one grew, they formed more and more layers, and became larger and more complicated onions.

Some layers grew simply because that is what onions do when they are cared for… they grow.
Some layers formed to protect each onion from real and perceived threats in their lives.
And, some layers arose in response to the roles and expectations each onion found itself placed in.
Such is the life of an onion.

One day the two onions met.

It was love at first sight, and after shedding their outer skins (that’s as naughty as this story gets), each one imagined that they could see through the other’s translucent layers right to the centre. At those centres, they could sense the vulnerability and specialness that each brought to the relationship. This made for long conversations, feelings of specialness, and a belief that they really “saw” one another - and so they committed themselves to a life together.

For good and for bad, life became complicated, and the two onions gradually stopped being able to see into each other’s centre. They no longer felt special, and they began taking one another for granted. They even accused the other of smelling bad.

To make matters worse, many of their protective layers began to spoil and darken, making each onion feel shameful and less attractive. They couldn’t even see their own centres, and they started saying things like, “I don’t know who you are anymore. In fact, I don’t even know myself.”

What’s an onion to do?

This was a critical juncture for these two onions, and they decided to recommit, but not blindly. Rather, they turned towards each other with intention, curiosity, vulnerability and forgiveness. It involved some crying, and it was a difficult time for sure because both onions had to peel off some of their layers - leaving them feeling exposed and raw at first.

Eventually however, they began trusting one another again. They started seeing through to their centres, appreciating many of the remaining layers in themselves and each other.

Love took on a whole new meaning.

06/04/2015

A few posts ago I suggested a little video on gratefulness. One of the reasons I find it endearing is that the narrator asks us to notice and appreciate the little and subtle gifts in our lives... the things we are more likely to take for granted.

Here is my wish for you today. That you take a moment to reflect on something or someone you are grateful for, and that you offer a small gift to another - perhaps a smile, a kind word, or a helping hand.

We all have balloons to share.

05/29/2015

ATTUNED NURTURING

A warning first. Sometimes this topic can trigger feelings of guilt, or that of being judged - "you're not good enough" kind of stuff. So let's not throw stones at that glass house because we all live in glass houses. In other words, we've all done things wrong in our lives. What is more important right now is that you are taking the time to be curious and to learn. Excellent! Curiosity is always an antidote to fear.

Besides, there will always be breaches in our relationships - times when we are too caught up in our own stuff or too focused on the other person in order to avoid our stuff. That's a given. The important goal is to be attuned enough to the relationship to understand when it's time to do something about it - to repair the breach.

So, what is attuned nurturing?

It is the sweet spot between smothering and neglect.

At one end of the spectrum is smothering. This is when we aren't actually attuned to the needs of the other person. Rather, we are unconsciously projecting our needs onto them in order to have our needs met. I'm sure you've witnessed someone smothering another with love or praise before. As an observer, it doesn't quite sit right does it? In those instances the "giver" is really the "seeker" or "taker" even though consciously they would swear that they are just being nurturing.

The other end of the spectrum is neglect. I probably don't have to explain this condition except to say that neglect is often mistakenly disguised as "teaching a lesson." For example, "I'll let them cry it out because they have to learn that they can't have everything they want." Right away I can hear a few rebuttals to this example, "yeah, but you don't want to spoil the child," so let me just say I agree. Spoiling falls more on the side of smothering. Once you read my explanation of what attuned nurturing is I think you'll see that I am not an advocate of spoiling anyone.

In either case - smothering or neglect - the unconscious effect on the receiver is the message, "I don't really see you right now." And that hurts.

When we are offering attuned nurturing, we are meeting the actual needs of the other being. A baby, for example, has a variety of cries, and if we are attuned to that infant, we learn to differentiate the cries - to understand what each cry means, and what each one is asking for. Then, we meet the infant at that place. Nothing more, nothing less.

The problem is that this is a difficult thing to do if we aren't aware of our own state at the time. This is why I have been focusing on emotional awareness as of late. How can I be attuned to another if I am not attuned to myself?

To make matters more difficult, what if I recognize that I am not able to offer what is being asked of me? Let's say I am feeling flustered and overwhelmed, and my child is tugging at my sleeve trying to get my undivided attention. (Can anyone identify with this state?) What's a parent to do?

Well, first we recognize our own capacity in this moment, then we determine the actual needs of the "other" and their ability to self regulate. Then we act.

At this point we either need to get help from our support network... "Someone else please take over for a while."

Or set a healthy boundary... "I'll talk to you when I am off the phone. Now go play in your room until I come and get you."

Or dig deeper to find the strength to fulfill our responsibilities (and start seeking support)... "Oh dear, you've cut yourself. That looks like it really hurts. Come here, let me take care of you."

There is no "one" answer because that is the nature of relationship - it is dynamic and dependent on a lot of variables at any one time (mood, energy, support, intention, motivation, age, ability, weather, etc.)

Sounds like a lot of work! Yup, but the payoff is this... in the end our own needs are met more, our depth of experience is more significant, our relationship satisfaction is greater, our community becomes stronger, and it does get easier with practice.

By the way, the same goes for attuning to our partners, extended family, friends, clients, colleagues...

In a nutshell, when it comes to nurturing, aim for the sweet spot of attunement 😀

05/26/2015

Nature or Nurture?

If you’re still wondering whether we are products of our genetics or products of our early relationships, the evidence is overwhelming…

Nature NEEDS nurture – and lots of it!

From our very first breath we come into this world ready to connect, and connection is imperative if we are to thrive or even just survive.

In fact, the course of our physical and emotional development is very much influenced by our early exposure to “attuned” nurturing, authentic connection, and our experience of safety.

How do genes and nurturing affect physical and emotional development?
What do I mean by “attuned” nurturing?
What if one’s start in life lacked adequate nurturing?
What do I mean specifically when I speak of safety?

All questions I’ll tackle in upcoming posts, so stay attuned… (Ok, that was a bad pun.)

05/22/2015

Here's a video that always inspires me, and I'd love to share it with you. It's well worth the five and a half minutes!

I generally watch it first thing in the morning if I notice that I'm not being very present - too caught up in worries or upcoming responsibilities. It really is a grounding conscious meditation.

In short, this fellow isn't just talking... he really gets it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=3Zl9puhwiyw

This video, featuring Brother David, a highly-respected Benedictine monk, author and spiritual leader, is a BLESSING to all those with "eyes to see and ears ...

05/18/2015

If you have been following my posts this month, you will have noticed that I have been focusing on the importance of emotions.

To be fully human is to be able to experience and resolve (or a least accept) a wide range and depth of feelings and their underlying emotions. (In a later post I will discuss the differences between feelings and emotions, but for now the distinction isn't necessary.)

Even more miraculous is our ability to hold conflicting feelings about something or someone and not be driven to madness.

Have you ever loved and hated someone at the same time?

That's a pretty complex paradox which seems unresolvable, and yet, when we can explore both feelings simultaneously, something begins to shift.

Eventually, we are able to come to a new understanding of our relationship to that person or thing - which previously was driving us crazy.

The key to truly getting this though is not to make it an intellectual exercise. You really need to sit and feel, and be curious of what wants to rise up in you.

Give it a go. If you feel conflicted about someone or something, try to feel both sides of the conflict.

Be careful not to create rules like, "I shouldn't feel this way." Instead, leave the rules for your behaviour. "I will not act on this feeling."

As you vacillate from one feeling to the other (and back again) there will be struggle, but remember... it is the struggle which transforms you.

I wish you well, and may you have a good day.

05/14/2015

I once had a psychology prof who started class each day by asking us what our t-shirt said (actual t-shirt not required).

We had to "check-in" with our emotional state and come up with a slogan or image that captured our present mood - and could be printed on a shirt. The idea being that we might as well recognize it because that is likely what we were advertizing to the world anyways.

It was a fun exercise and people got pretty creative with it. In fact, just the act of doing this exercise often helped to shift one's perspective.

So, what does your t-shirt look like today?

05/13/2015

Preventing Emotional Composting 101

Let me begin with a warning. The problem with paying attention to emotions is that when we do, we actually have to feel them! So make sure that you try this exercise in a time and space that meets your level of privacy and safety. If you feel overwhelmed at any point, please stop and consider working with a therapist to better understand your reactions.

I also don't want to suggest that this exercise is the end-all to emotional regulation. It is one part of a necessary practice. Emotions are complicated, often compounded by difficult life experiences that end up teaching us to fear our own reactions. This is why we begin this exercise by feeling physical sensation before even trying to notice emotion - it's easier. Be patient with yourself.

Now, I invite you to sit comfortably in a chair, and when you are ready...

Breathe.

Breathe again.

Feel the expansion and strength of your chest as you inhale, and then let it surrender to the pull of gravity as you exhale.

Breathe.

Start to bring your awareness to your body and its present state.

Breathe.

Notice the depth of your breathing. You don't have to change it, just notice. Is it deep and slow or shallow and rapid?

Breathe.

Now start a slow and deliberate scan of your body from your head to your toes.
Take it slowly - allowing your attention to come to focus on each major area and remain there for a few moments before moving on.
For example, consider your head and face. What do you notice?
If it's relaxed, then savour that comfortable feeling.
If it's tense, then imagine softening the tension.
If you're not sure how to do that, try tensing it even more first, then release what you've added.

Breathe.

Make your way down your body and try to remain curious.
Feel the way gravity draws you towards a sense of being grounded - figuratively and literally.
What does my body want me to know?
If you notice physical pain, ask, "What does this part need of me right now?" Maybe it's light touch or reassuring pressure. Offer that.
If you notice an emotional reaction, try to feel it. No need to judge it by saying it shouldn't be there, and no need to make sense of it yet - just let it rise and be known.

Breathe.

Once you have scanned your whole being, take a moment to feel how this entire system that is you is connected and working together.

Breathe.

Now, slowly bring your awareness back to your surroundings.
Notice the sounds, the light, the shadows, the temperature... take a moment to connect with this space.

Breathe.

I encourage you to try this exercise a couple of times each day for at least two weeks. Just a few minutes each time if that's all you can manage. Like any type of learning, it will take time and practice to override old habits and to invite a new dialog between your head and your body.

To gain even further awareness from the exercise, consider taking a few minutes to write about your experience and start keeping a journal.
You might ask yourself... What did I notice?
Was I surprised by anything that I felt?
What was difficult about the exercise?
How do I feel now?

Thank you once again for your interest. I wish you well with your practice.

05/11/2015

Okay folks, I promised to come back to this issue of emotional composting and discuss what can be done about it, but having given it more thought, I have decided that more explanation is necessary first. So let me appeal to your logical brain first...

Why do we have emotions? Are they really necessary for survival? Aren't they the problem?

First, don't shoot the messenger. Emotions get a bad reputation because many people do not understand the difference between HAVING an emotion and BEING an emotion. When we're being an emotion, we're at the whim of it - hijacked in a way. When we can learn to observe our emotions while still feeling them, we can trust them to guide us to make more conscious decisions or actions.

The Latin root of the word emotion means "to move." In other words, something in us wants to shift.

Consider why we have sensation. If I put my hand over a hot stove (please don't try this at home, I am a professional 😀) it won't be long before my senses let me know that something is a threat to me. I am prompted to take action. Emotions are a more sophisticated message from our nervous system (including the brain) to guide us either towards something/someone we desire or away from what is threatening.

Emotions also give depth to our experiences. Logic may tell you what something is, but emotions help you decide how much you value it and what it means to you.

In a nutshell (and yes, I recognize that I am about to sum up the entire evolution of human beings into a single sentence), we have survived and thrived as a species because of pro-social connections. We are born to connect, and connection is established through emotion.

In fact, the areas of the brain associated with emotional processing develop first when we are born. That's why we don't master movement or talking for roughly the first 18 months of life. It's more important to our personal survival to learn to connect with others first.

I have more to say on this topic, but for now I hope that I have given you something to ponder. In my next post I will offer a practical exercise to help mitigate emotional composting.

Thank you for your interest.

05/10/2015

Happy Mother's Day!