10/09/2012
A New Language...
The Atlanta School Board has decided to pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer pipeline through Washington, DC, by designating Southern slang, or "Hickphonics", as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. A speaker of this language would be a Hickphone. The following are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary:
HEIDI (noun). Greeting.
HIRE YEW (complete sentence). Remainder of greeting.
Usage: "Heidi, hire yew?"
BARD (verb). Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow".
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck".
JAWJUH (noun). The state north of Florida. The capitol is Lanner.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck".
BAMMER (noun).The state west of Jawjuh. The capitol is Berminhayum.
Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' lef $20,000,000.00 in improvements".
MUNTS (noun). A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, an I ain't herd from him in munts".
THANK (verb). Ability to cognitively process.
Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare".
BARE (noun). An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops an yeast.
Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare".
IGNERT (adj). Not smart. See "Arkansas native".
Usage: "Them Bammer boys sure is ignert!"
RANCH (noun). A tool used for tight'nin' bolts.
Usage: "I thank I lef my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago".
ALL (noun). A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck".
FAR (noun). A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far".
TAR (noun). A rubber wheel, or a tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willing' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tar in Paris sometime".
RE**RD (verb). To stop working.
Usage: "My granpaw re**rd at age 65".
FAT (noun, verb) A battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat.
Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh".
RATS (noun). Entitled power or priviledge.
Usage: "We Southerners are willing' to fat for are rats".
FARN (adj). Not local.
Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed . . . mus' be from som farn country".
DID (adj). Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim".
EAR (noun). A colorless, odorless gas: Oxygen.
Usage: "He cain't breathe . . . give 'im some ear!"
BOB WAR (noun). A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence".
JEW HERE (noun & verb contraction)
Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"
HAZE (a contraction)
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah . . . haze ignert. He aint' thanked but a minnit 'n 'is laf".
SEED (verb) Past tense of "to see".
VIEW (contraction; verb & pronoun)
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City . . . view?"
GUMMIT (noun). A bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Them gummit boys shore is ignert". (from Jokes and Stories: Wordplay
