13/10/2017
Weekend essential reading...to remind you that you still DO have a life.
Mummy’s phone is ringing. Mummy looks at her phone suspiciously. Why is her friend Susie calling her? Why? WHY WOULD SOMEONE DO A THING LIKE THAT? Why not text, or Whatsapp, or Messenger her? If push came to shove, send an email, but why would you make an ACTUAL PHONE CALL and force Mummy to pick up her phone and say words? This is wrong! This is not what people do in 2017, this is what people did in 1993, when Mummy’s entire life consisted of battles with her father about the length of her skirt (why, that joke about it being a belt not a skirt NEVER got old!) and her use of the phone, though NEVER EVER EVER under any circumstances before 6pm. Oh, how cunning Mummy would feel then when a friend would ring her and she could take the phone into another room and then after talking to the first friend, quickly ring up everyone else, so that when her father shouted ‘ARE YOU STILL ON THE PHONE?’, she could shout back ‘THEY RANG ME!’. Now, Mummy feels slightly violated when people phone her.
Nonetheless, Mummy bravely picks up the phone, in case her friend Susie has had some terrible accident and lost her memory and doesn’t remember what year it is and that you can use your phone to do almost anything except actually phone people.
“Hello…?” says Mummy warily.
“Hello!” says Susie “My fu***ng children are doing my head in, and my husband is a t**t. How are you?”
“Errrr,” says Mummy “Well, pretty much the same actually!”
“Excellent!” says Susie “So our husbands are arseholes, our children are getting on our sadly sagging t**s and it is F**k It All Friday, so let’s go out for a drink!”
Mummy laughs, hollowly “We have CHILDREN,” she says “We can’t ‘just go out’! We can’t do spontaneous and impromptu things. Not anymore!”
“Yes we can!” says Susie “That’s why I rang you, instead of texting you, so you couldn’t pretend not to have seen my text until it’s too late, and you’ve taken your bra off!”
“I don’t do that!” protests Mummy.
“We all do that!” says Susie “Anyway, give me one good reason why you can’t go out tonight?”
“Who will look after the children?” suggests Mummy.
“Their fathers, obviously. That is what they are for. Any other reasons?”
“My hair!” says Mummy “My hair is a mess, my legs are growing their winter pelt, and I have nothing to wear. Also, I am not mentally prepared. I CAN’T just go out! I need weeks to get ready, to think about going on a diet so I can wear thin clothes when I go out, even though I know I am still going to trough down the children’s half eaten sausage rolls at every opportunity and not actually lose any weight so I end up wearing the same fat pants I always wear, but I need that POTENTIAL to be thin! And the hope that I will be able to get ready by relaxing in a bath, with a magazine and a glass of wine and a face mask on, even though I know that won’t happen either, because in the event I actually get everything done in time to get in the fu***ng bath, as soon I am in, some bastard will immediately need a big smelly poo, but how can I ‘just go out’ without spending days looking forward to the bath that I won’t get to have?”
Susie sighs “You whack on your mascara; instead of casting your bosoms to the four winds at bra off o’clock, you put on your good bra that hoicks up your t**s and change into a top without yoghurt on it; you explain to your husband how to burn the pizza to his precious moppets’ satisfaction, and you meet me in the pub.”
“Really?” whimpers Mummy.
“Really!” says Susie.
“Like…people without children do?” breathes Mummy “Just…decide to go out on a Friday night and just do it? Like…people WITH LIVES?”
“YES!” shouts Susie “We’re only going for a couple of glasses of wine, that’s all, it’s really not such a big deal!”
“Are you sure?” says Mummy doubtfully “Usually when I go out with you, we end up doing Jagerbombs and making arses of ourselves!”
“Ah” says Susie wisely “That is because we don’t go out enough, and so we get over excited and carried away! That is why we should have more spontaneous nights out, to be grown ups and remember who we are, because then we won’t find being out out such a novelty, and we will be able to be sensible and responsible!”
“Ha!” cries Mummy “You are right! We are still people! We should totally be able to decide to just go for a glass of wine together without six weeks’ worth of planning! LET’S DO THIS!”
Later, Mummy lurches into the house.
“SHHHHHHH!” she shouts at Daddy “I MIGHT’VE HAD A LIL JAGERBOMB! MAYBE TWO! BUT WE DIN TRY TO DANCE ON THE BAR AGAIN! MUCH!”
Mummy falls asleep on the sofa. Daddy looks at Mummy. It seems maybe Mummy isn’t quite ready to be a sensible, responsible grown up on a night out yet. Judgy Dog shakes his head in disgust.
Mummy opens one eye “I love you, thingy!” she mumbles. Daddy isn’t entirely sure if she is talking to him or the dog.
“Chips…” murmurs Mummy.
