09/01/2026
In my previous clip, so many of you left thoughtful comments and important insights. A lot of you named something people rarely have language for: the pain isn’t only what the abusive parent did, it’s also what the other parent didn’t do.
So I want to stay with this question: Why did I stay loyal to the parent who didn’t protect me?
For a child, attachment isn’t a preference. It’s a survival system. Your nervous system is wired to keep caregivers close, because closeness is how kids get food, shelter, comfort, and regulation. When the relationship is unsafe or unreliable, the system often chooses connection anyway, because disconnection can be even more threatening.
That’s why loyalty can show up in confusing ways. Sometimes loyalty looks like:
* minimizing what happened
* staying emotionally responsible for them
* feeling guilty for being angry
* blaming yourself because it feels more controllable than admitting the adult failed you
One of the most common strategies kids use is turning the problem inward. “If I’m easier, quieter, more helpful, they’ll finally protect me.”
And it can become the adult pattern of over-functioning, people-pleasing, staying in one-sided relationships, or feeling pulled to take care of people who don’t take care of you.
It’s also important to name this: the parent who didn’t protect you may have loved you. They may have been scared, dependent, dissociated, or trapped in their own trauma.
And the impact can still be real. As a child, your system learned that you could be loved and still not be protected.
When people start seeing this dynamic clearly, they often stop asking, “What’s wrong with me?” and start asking:
* What did my loyalty help me survive?
* What did I have to believe about myself to stay connected?
* Where do I still feel responsible for other people’s emotions?
That’s where deeper work begins, because trauma isn’t only what happened. It’s what your nervous system had to organize around in order to keep attachment.
If this question hits home, you’re not alone. And you don’t have to rush to forgive or understand it quickly. Start by telling the truth about what the child in you was navigating.
