19/04/2026
The SHAPE and LANGUAGE of LOSS & GRIEF
By Samuel Kanja
Grief is not something you “get over.” It is something you learn to carry. When loss arrives, it touches far more than just the person or situation you’ve lost — it reaches into your memories, your identity, your future plans, and your sense of stability. Grief is the echo of love. The deeper the connection, the deeper the grief. As quoted by Dalai & Desmond in their book, The Book of Joy, GRIEF is the ANTIDOTE of LOVE. No one is excused from grieving after loss but people handle loss and grief differently based on age, gender, personality, social status, previous experiences, cultural attitudes, beliefs about the loss in question among others.
According to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, grief often moves through five emotional experiences, commonly known as the 5 Stages of Grief. These are not rigid steps you must follow in order, but natural feelings that may come and go, sometimes circling back unexpectedly:
• Denial — A protective shock. “This cannot be happening.” It shields the heart when the pain feels too overwhelming.
• Anger — A raw cry of pain. “Why did this happen?” It may rise toward people, circumstances, fate, or even a higher power.
• Bargaining — The search for control in chaos. “If only…” or “What if…” — a tender attempt to rewrite what cannot be changed.
• Depression — The heavy weight of reality settling in. Deep sadness, emptiness, fatigue, and withdrawal as the loss becomes part of daily life.
• Acceptance — Not happiness or forgetting, but a quiet acknowledgment: “This is real.” Slowly, life begins to take on a new shape around the loss.
Yet grief is far more complex and personal than any model can fully capture.
The 5 stages above are not linear and do not have to follow a set order. Not all stages must occur, and some may last longer or feel more intense than others, while some may not be experienced at all. Each person—and each type of loss—shapes how these emotions appear. What matters is recognizing them as natural responses to grief and allowing the process to unfold with patience and self-compassion.
▪︎ It is deeply personal — no two people grieve the same way.
▪︎ It is not transferable — no one else can carry it for you.
▪︎ It follows its own unique paths and timing — some find solace in words, others in silence, faith, creativity, or simply the gentle passage of time.
▪︎ There is no deadline for healing, and no “correct” pace.
Grief is not limited to death. It can arise from the end of relationships, broken dreams, lost health, career changes, or any significant life transition. It often arrives in waves — sometimes gentle, sometimes crashing with surprising force. You may feel sadness, anger, guilt, numbness, or profound emptiness, often shifting rapidly. Some days you may feel almost like yourself again, only for a memory or trigger to pull you under once more. This ebb and flow is completely normal.
Different Aspects of Grief
Grief also takes on different forms, some visible and others quietly carried beneath the surface:
• Disenfranchised grief — when your loss is not socially acknowledged or validated, leaving you feeling as though your pain “doesn’t count.” For example miscarriage, moving to another country and leaving the family behind, selling a car 🚗 that you were connected emotionally with.
• Anticipatory grief — when mourning begins before the actual loss, as in prolonged illness or the slow fading of someone or something dear.
• Complicated grief — when sorrow remains intense and prolonged, making it difficult to function, connect, or find moments of peace.
• Ambiguous loss — when there is no clear closure, leaving the heart suspended between presence and absence.
• Cumulative grief — when multiple losses come in quick succession, overwhelming your ability to process each one.
• Delayed grief — when the weight of loss surfaces much later, often triggered by time, memory, or another life event.
Society may sometimes pressure you to “move on,” but true healing doesn’t follow a neat timeline. Be patient and kind with yourself. Allow the tears, the silence, the unexpected laughter, and even the anger — each has its rightful place in your journey.
No matter what shape your grief takes — whether sudden or anticipated, visible or hidden, immediate or delayed — your pain is real, and you are not alone. Healing does not mean erasing the loss. It means learning to carry both the love and the sorrow with greater gentleness, finding space for sadness and renewed hope to exist side by side.
In the end, grief is the echo of love. Learning to live again does not mean forgetting — it means carrying the loss and the love together, tenderly, one day at a time.
Samuel Kanja
Psychologist & Life Coach
0729 368307
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