05/04/2024
UNDERSTANDING BLENDED FAMILY STRUCTURE.
- Long Post Alert -
Last week, I wrote about the strategies Mrs O’ and I are implementing to make our blended family work effectively and closely knitted. Not a few people sent me private messages how it got them thinking of their own situations and how it was a wake up call for them. Honestly, I didn’t see that coming and I’m happy about that.
Yesterday in particular, someone had a lengthy conversation with me about his background. His Dad was well to do and had wealth but was not always available. His Mum equally had some good wealth but was demised untimely so when his dad remarried, it became quite tough for them and he never had a good experience of what a functional blended family could be.
This is why I am writing this post. Just to provide some more insight into what a blended family is and how it may be a success for anyone who goes into it.
First, let me establish some facts.
1. A blended family means 2 adults coming together to become married and both, or either, of these adults are coming into the new marriage with a child or children. Provided a child that is not conceived and birthed by the 2 adults lives with these adults as their own child, the family is a blended family.
2. A blended family is NATURAL. In fact, in many Nigerian families, young nephews, nieces and cousins live with couples and so, many families are already blended without knowing it.
3. For nuclear scenarios, a blended family is man, his wife and the children they have from a previous relationship or marriage, who now become part of the newly formed home. This is the exact scenario of Mrs O’ and I. I am divorced and she is a Widow.
4. Bonding a blended family is A LOT OF WORK, and A LOT OF MATURITY. Childishness cannot create a bond of blended homes. A petty, vindictive, unforgiving, unreasonable, partial and weak adult among the couple cannot lead to a bonded blended home. It takes a lot of UNLEARNING, RELEARNING and CONTINUOUS LEARNING.
2 days ago, Mrs O’ and I had our weekly date night (we have done this for the past 2 years without fail. Date nights are priceless for couples. But that’s a gist for another day). During this date night, we delved into talking about the WILL POWER to build OBJECTIVITY & BALANCE for co-parenting in a blended home. And she made a profound point:
“IT IS EASY TO BE HARD ON YOUR CHILD (as ‘my own’) AND BE SOFT/AFRAID ON YOUR SPOUSE’S CHILD”.
For couples who are being careful not to hurt their spouse, they tend to be extremely cautious about disciplining the spouse’s children just for the fear of causing tension.
THIS IS A MUTUAL CONCERN WE SHARE and we agreed to TRAIN OURSELVES TO DEMONSTRATE EQUAL FIRMNESS ON ALL 4 CHILDREN because, we have a quote in our home, “we want to raise adults who take ownership and have sense”.
Some challenges we have already experienced in this brief years of being in each other’s lives include:
1. People tell me or Mrs O’ “your children won’t be happy because their original parent is not there with you.”
2. I have been told that my daughters will never accept Mrs O’
3. Because many people ‘hate’ divorce, they have actually discontinued talking to me; and because Mrs O’ agreed to marry me, they have equally ‘x-ed’ her from their friendship
4. People naively tell our children ‘Hope you are being taken care of? Hope you’re not suffering?’ Forgetting that words are seeds.
Etc.
MRS O’ and I ARE UNAFRAID, FORTUNATELY. In fact, we call ourselves ‘MY KIND’ because on so many occasions, we share SO MANY VALUES and OUR DECISIONS ARE SIMILAR. Gratefully so.
So, what steps or strategies have we employed in the past 2 years of being a committed couple? They are:
1. Weekly Date Nights where we share ‘fears’, ‘concerns’, ‘dreams’, ‘aspirations’ and ‘hard talk’.
2. Child Dates as follows:
- she and her 2 children (daughter and son) alone
- me and my 2 daughters alone
- me and her 2 children (daughter and son) alone
- she and my daughters alone
- each of us (Mrs O’ and I) and each child alone per time
This looks very plenty and hectic. We haven’t done some of these yet but we have done some of them. Mostly because of school (boarding related and distance too) but it is part of the grand plan.
In our new home, we have what we call “Welcome To Our Home” and this is a list of “IN THIS HOME, WE…”
Part of the strategies is also that EACH CHILD KNOWS THAT WHAT HAPPENS IN OUR HOME STAYS IN OUR HOME. Also, EACH CHILD KNOWS THAT EVERYONE IN OUR HOME PROTECTS EVERYONE FROM ANYONE WHO IS NOT IN OUR HOME (and ‘our home’ means ‘me, Mrs O’ and our 4 children’). That way, we are guarded and protected from friendly enemies and unsolicited advisers from outside.
One last item I will share from our very many strategies is that the girls know that THEIR MOTHER MATTERS IN THE SCHEME OF THINGS. At no time is she, will she be or has she ever been, AN ADVERSARY. This knowledge is key for them to NOT NEED to debate if they have to stop being their Mother’s daughters and start being Mrs O’s daughters. No !!! Both Mothers can and will co-exist in their lives forever. And it shall be peaceful.
Mrs O’ and I have submitted our new blended family to God. Many friends have turned enemies. Many previous enemies have become more irritated. But there are much more friends who have become our helpers… whichever role you play, we are happy to have our God as our Helper. We don’t know it all. We don’t want to know it all. We just want to live daily being AN EXAMPLE OF THE GLORY OF GOD.
I love my Wife, Dorothy Deame Hirse and for her, I will move mountains to make her life a blissful experience; she and our 4 children.
May blended homes be better for the future of the children and adults in them. Amen.
m a k t u b !!!
🐙
