02/07/2024
I am a Doula, because I am a mom.
A Mom to 3 girlies earthside, and 1 angel. I mindfully chose unassisted birth this trip and my experience was profound. It was a lot of work getting this rainbow baby here, but I was never alone.
âI put my faith in Jesus
My anchor to the ground
My hope and firm foundation
Heâll never let me downâ
Promises - MCM
Hereâs my birth story accompanied by photos captured by the amazing Samantha Renee Birth Photography & Doula:
A motherâs intuition in the right environment is encouraged and held with high esteem. Weâve lost that regard in the majority of our maternity care systems. So for someone like me who trusts physiologic birth and Jesus, it makes sense that Iâd find myself here;
F R E E B I R T H.
I didnât actually know if I could do this but I trusted that Iâm not held by my own strength and that if something presented making me feel a change of plans were in order Iâd listen. Contextual contributing factors are parts from my 3 pregnancy journeys prior to this one. I went from an unmedicated hospital birthing center delivery being told where and how I could birth (Ainsley Marie 2019), to the comfort of my home in the trusted hands of a well-meaning midwife who sometimes caused me to question my intuition (Mary Ann Ruth 2021), to a devastating miscarriage at 12 weeks that changed me forever (Judah Grace 2023). Through that loss God called me to surrender it all to Him. Surrender my heart, my desires, my grief, my faith, my womb, my idea of what good is, and to ultimately trust His plan.
I believe Romans 8:28, âAnd we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love himâŚâ How could losing a baby ever be good? It couldnât possibly be, with all the turmoil, grief, anger, questions⌠But it also sprouted the deepest connection between my spouse and I, my deepest reliance on the Lord surrendered from it, my deepest trust in my body to see this physiologic process through in whatever way the Lord planned came from it, and my absolute deepest love for this new life as they came unrelenting into this world also came from it⌠and those are, well, very good things indeed.
When I became aware I was pregnant again, only about 8 weeks later, I wanted and needed a more connected experienceâŚwith my body, baby, husband and my Almighty Creator. I truly believe I got just that because I was in charge of my careâand I think the same experience is available to any woman willing to claim stake on their own journey regardless of how one wishes to carry that journey outâbe your own birth bossđđ˝
As some of you undoubtedly know, everything about a rainbow pregnancy is different from the startâŚthe emotions are wild. I had to experience what wouldâve been my due date for one baby while carrying a new one and that was so hard and conflicting at the time. Iâm often in disbelief that I lived it, sometimes it feels so distant and other times it feels like itâs happening presently. Now Iâm 5 weeks postpartum and I still wish somehow I could have them both here with me earth-side. But that wasnât the plan.
Many would be poised to think Iâd run the opposite direction after a loss to seek medical intervention in attempt to control the safety narrative of my pregnancy and birth. Iâm not here to say that path is wrong or mine is better but physiologic birth is not a medical event in low-risk healthy women. I see the maternity care systems as often causing the problems they offer solutions too in birth. So for me birthing outside the system, especially with the intuition that baby was breech, was the safest and least risky route I could personally take.
Of which, Iâm forever glad I did because I delivered a Frank Breech Baby at home, surrounded by my loved ones!!!
Unassisted? Technically.
But I felt held and supported the entire time.
I wouldâve had a very different birth experience were I not at home. I wouldâve advocated for myself to birth vaginally but it would have been an experience of mistrust, and stress and anxiety from others filling the room instead of the peace and joy that did at home.
I canât say this loud enough either but positive self-talk in life is more impactful than you realize, and in birth, it can make or break the entire experience! That is why I armed myself all pregnancy with positive affirmations and while in labor, worship music never stopped playing. Lyrics became the voice in my head the moment I needed them everytime I needed them.
It was not my easiest labor journey in a lot of ways. It was longer than I expected with waters broken two days, the contractions were more painful than I expected and they took all of me and then some come active labor/transition. I needed every bit of the support I was given. Especially when I wanted to quit. We were out in our sunroom (intended birthing place), with beautiful lights, the white tub and plenty of room for all to see and move around meâŚbut it was cold after the night set in and I was shaking in between contractions regardless of my many layers. I came to a point where I knew I couldnât keep on if I stayed in this place, and thankfully my hubby also came to the same conclusion at that time recognizing I needed a change or at the least to get warm. I remember thinking I just wanted to get in my bed and go to sleep. Maybe come back and finish this later đ
My best-friend and mother in-love helped me to the bathroom where my hubby prepared the shower. It was so warm. It was dark. It was intimate and I just wanted some time with my hubby. Heâs my earthly rock and Iâll always need him in labor whether he thinks heâs helpful or not! So there I was, finally warm in the shower down on one knee leaning on my earthly rock begging my heavenly one to help me⌠when the end finally came into site. I called for Sam our incredible photographer (and now friend) to come in.
With no urge to push Fetal Ejection Reflex kicked in, and with my eyes closed I moaned a birthers roar and with one surge I reached down and felt my babies butt coming out of me; Applying a bit of resistance because I felt I was going to tear, baby was coming so fast. (It didnât hit me in that moment that that did in fact confirm my intuition that baby was breech but there was no time to think. Itâs now so empowering to know that my intuition was correct. I decided earlier in my pregnancy research and education process that a breech delivery was a variation of normal and not an emergency. **Our bodies are capable of delivering breech babies vaginally.**) I yelled something out about baby coming too fast as if someone else there could do anything to change it. I quickly redirected myself to take the most important breath Iâd taken all labor to slow their body down and regain control of myself. In another surge mere seconds later her body hung from me and I could not only feel her head as it exited but I envisioned it in my mind as clear as a movie clip. I canât explain it but I saw her come out from the inside. It was the coolest thing Iâd ever seen and felt during a birth, and all of the sudden just like that I felt the welcomed emptiness of my womb and the fullness of my heart as I laid eyes on our rainbow baby, perfect in every way there on our shower floor.
Babies immediate cries brought tears to everyone around. I took a birth pause to take all of it inâI needed a moment to appreciate all that just took place and I wasnât physically ready to pick up my baby. As I bent down to kiss and look them over I discovered our baby was another girl! đ
We spent the next hours together as a family, we did our own assessments and held a cord burning ceremony to honor the connection between baby and I. The placenta nourished her from the inside until she was in my arms getting nourishment from the outside! How beautiful is His design? How good is His plan.
We named her Bethany after my best-friend whose presence at her birth was divine and impactful for both my husband and I. It also means overcomer of affliction and for reasons I just explained that felt perfect to me. Her middle nameâs Eloise Arelie mean âhealthyâ and âLioness of Godâ, also so fitting.
Iâll admit this journey wasnât my most joyful at first, my faith wavered, fear had its way in me a few times as the enemy attacked but I always come back to Christ. He is my firm foundation, the rock on which I stand. He keeps me from going under every time I think Iâm drowning. I actually came out much better than I ever expected, and so did our little one, butt first and all! (She was actually my fastest born from âcrowningâ and no tears.)
The gratitude I felt when she was born and when I look at her now is the most tangible heart posture Iâve ever had. I can stare at her and tears will form in my eyes because Iâm just so grateful sheâs here and safe and I love her so much. And I still love the baby we lost so much. (One year ago today)
This is my journey where grief and joy coexist, where I discovered a true gratitude for life, and most importantly where I was personally reminded God canât fail, you just donât always see it at first. That is faith. That is my testimony. That is my Bethany Eloise Arelie
