01/17/2024
Does it ever seem to you that what you see on the outside in life, — the relationships you have, world events, even weather, has to do with what’s going on inside, — what you may be struggling with or happy about in your heart and mind?
I know that sounds far-fetched, because it is. But that’s how my experience operates. I see the outward life I have in this world as kind of a metaphor for my inward thoughts and desires.
Crazy?
Probably.
But I always say, “if the world thinks I’m crazy I must be doing something right!” Hahahaha.
Why?
Well, it seems to me that the way the world operates is kind of upside down. Inside out. Flipped in some way.
When I’m operating in a world of self-justified reality (which I see myself doing often) then it’s okay to hurt someone who hurts me. I can yell back when I’m yelled at. I’m right to hold grudges when I’ve been wronged, and try to excuse my wrongdoings by blaming someone or something else for my actions.
Blaaaaaah. It’s so yucky.
In my present hometown everything outside is frozen. The sky, the ground, the trees, streets, cars. Without the proper equipment it’s dangerous to be out there. I’ve seen people slipping and sliding down the streets. Cars demolished by tree branches so overweight with ice that they’ve given up and broken off, crashing into pieces destroying themselves and whatever lies underneath.
“How is this a metaphor for your life,” you ask?
Thanks for asking.
I’ll tell you.
My experience as a husband and father has required a lot more of me that I’ve ever thought would be.
As a single adolescent I played the role of a selfish addict, mooching any and every thing I could off others, then taking it greedily and giving it all to my addictions. My path was laid out by an appetite for destruction. It was a fabulously awful cycle that led to much heartache and insanity, as selfishness and addiction always do.
In leaving that lifestyle I felt “born again” and started to try and live for others. I sought out ways to spend every waking moment in service and dove deep into self-discovery, searching for talents I could use to benefit humanity. This worked great as long as I could live for others when it was convenient for me and do it the way I wanted to.
Little did I know that family, real family, requires love in the inconvenient times. I’d seen this in my mom (which is why she’s my ultimate superhero) but had no recognition of what it actually meant to put it into practice.
Inconvenient love? That’s a totally different ballgame. Maybe it’s the only kind of love there really is? I don’t know yet, but I’ve found myself shutting down when I could be opening up more.
Wanting when I could be giving.
And the worst, hating when I could (and should) be loving.
My heart freezes.
I get stuck in my tracks.
I start listening to the little devil on my shoulder that says —
“It my turn!” (Yes, my devil is illiterate)
“I want! I need! Pay attention to me!!!”
The ice storm hits.
And I get frozen.
The branches of my life-tree weigh heavy with icycles by the thousands…Some break and cause self-destruction.
It’s just like what I’m seeing when I walk out my door. A frozen, dangerous world that, without the right gear (without love), is so risky to navigate that you might as well just stay inside.
The “getting” me freezes my ability to love and, as a consequence, my ability to be loved, causing all sorts of issues.
That I’m seeing this is cause for rejoicing as its helping to thaw my frozen heart and just simply love more.
When my heart can’t do it alone, my mind comes in and helps. It tells me that I don’t always have to feel loving to do the loving thing. That “doing” is always right and is helping me work out the rest.
Here’s to inconvenient love…
