Connect And Thrive Relationship Counseling

11/17/2020

Sometimes we sign up for our adventures and sometimes they are dropped into our lives. The silver lining in living through a pandemic is that everyone is having some kind of experience and we are talking about it with each other. I'm having deeper, more heartfelt and real conversations with people than ever before. That is a blessing.

.that.rock

11/16/2020

I often notice people talk about "boundaries" as though it's a simple yes or no to a request or asking another person to stop behavior that feels harmful or disrespectful. I think we can go a little deeper......

Boundaries are actually an inside job. When we feel the clear and inspired energy of our deepest needs and values, this inner truth is our trustworthy guide to our yes's and no's. When we do the work of reflecting on our needs and values, we are developing our capacity to authentically express our wants, yes's and no's to others with inner peace and grace.

I have a deep value for respect and including a variety of viewpoints in conversations. I recently was in a meeting in which one person discounted the sharing of the woman who had just spoken. I felt disheartened as this person said that he was not interested in the article the woman brought up. Then he expanded on his own viewpoint, bringing up a topic that "should" be our focus. I felt surprised and disheartened when the facilitator did not intervene. I requested a private meeting with the facilitator to share my concerns. My "boundary" here is that I say no to engaging in groups in which some people get heard and others do not. My positive need, my "YES" is that I want everyone to be heard and respected in this group. I felt a bit of anxiety about how that conversation would go. Vulnerability is part of the experience of expressing boundaries. Speaking up and telling others where we stand is such a powerful and positive contribution to healthy relationships.
.that.rock

11/15/2020

Two of the main triggers of emotional reactivity are when we feel like we are being judged and when we sense that someone has an agenda for us. People do not like being controlled. Most of us did not grow up being taught how to manage emotions or relationships, so it's natural that we get triggered. A pattern I see often is that when people get triggered they either vent and hurt others with over-expression or they withdraw in an attempt to protect themselves. When we over-express it scares people and when we under-express people often feel confused and frustrated. Relational connectivity is about finding a balance that allows for honest, authentic expression of our reality, and doing it with skill that makes it as safe as possible for everyone involved. Most of us grew up in environments where we were not allowed to freely share our feelings and needs. We can ALL learn to heal communication and relational patterns that don't work and take baby steps in making new moves that transform our connections with others. It's scary, exciting and adventurously edgy to do relationships in this new way!

.that.rock

11/13/2020

Our brain and nervous system is designed for reactivity. We scan our environment every few seconds unconsciously to figure out if we are safe. Safe means that we are not being stalked by a bear AND that we are safe socially. When we are accepted, cared for, heard and seen we feel safe. Each of us have finely tuned pathways created from our early experience that are our special triggers. When our triggers get stimulated we feel reactive and make up a story that sends us even more deeply into uncomfortable feelings. That is, unless we intervene. The way to intervene is to notice sensations in our body, breathe and invite our wise adult into the picture. The adult part of us can ask curious questions, explore the reaction and soothe upsets. Then the adult part of us can navigate accountability. We are responsible for our own intense emotions. We can ask others for help, we can apologize if we have hurt someone and we can tell others honestly and respectfully how we feel and what we want. Healing means we learn and practice lots of new skills and behavior. I have focused on doing my own healing work and I practice these skills every day with myself and in my relationships. My purpose is to be a warm, skilled and sensitive guide to others. If you'd like to have a chat with me, please reach out and we'll set up a time to talk.

11/06/2020

A "problem" creates enough tension to get people to reach out for counseling. Then they embark upon an amazing journey of learning how to work through differences and discovering how give and receive love in new ways.
.that.rock

11/04/2020

12/29/2019

12/29/2019