The Petty Flamingo

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The Petty Flamingo I’m petty, I’m a food critic, I’ll be honest and I’ll be petty. Fly with me. Or don’t, I couldn’t care less.

Smokin' Moon BBQ & Beer GardenOkay, so I landed at this BBQ joint known to the rgv as Smokin’ Moon. I was greeted by a l...
17/03/2023

Smokin' Moon BBQ & Beer Garden

Okay, so I landed at this BBQ joint known to the rgv as Smokin’ Moon. I was greeted by a lovely Texas atmosphere and this bird felt right at home. First off, the brisket burger tasted like a frozen, pre-made burger from the local Sam’s club we consumed with gusto in church youth group back in the day. Seasoning was good, meat was 😏. The ribs were decent but lacked the succulence this petty flamingo longs for. Now the French fries… my sweet friend, were deep fried perfectly and the crisp was every mukbang video you’ve watched come to life. Whilst I filled my craw with this deep fried manna from the potato gods, I looked back at the simpler times in life, like growing out my feathers before the majestic crimson colors bloomed. As I marinated in sweet nostalgia, I smiled as I took my last bite.
Don’t get me wrong, the bbq was good, just not to the level this pink and petty pal is searching for.
3/5 Flamingos
🦩🦩🦩

Where will I land next?

Joelene Joelene Joelene Joelene 🎤 ( in Dolly Parton) I came by the mercado to continue on my quest to try all of these “...
14/03/2023

Joelene Joelene Joelene Joelene 🎤 ( in Dolly Parton)

I came by the mercado to continue on my quest to try all of these “scrap” burgers. Well, this was scrapping amazing. Not only did the Akushi smash burger, blow this birdy’s mind, I was transported to another dimension when I tasted the succulent fried ribs, I never thought heaven on earth was possible until this precious pork graced my mouth. I introduced my friend the Picky Penguin to this establishment, who could not find a single complaint. The ribs stole the show. Jolene, please don’t take this bird’s partner just because you can (with your food). I mean seriously, this is spouse stealing food. I just might have to visit your daddy, Teddy's Barbecue, soon.

5 flamingos.
🦩🦩🦩🦩🦩

After the first full day of reviews and a food coma later, I just wanted to thank the petty flock for following and shar...
12/03/2023

After the first full day of reviews and a food coma later, I just wanted to thank the petty flock for following and sharing. Stick around, or not, I don’t care. Either way this flamingo has much more to say. Comment if you have a place that needs a brutally honest review from this Petty Flamingo. Remember, I’m everywhere, I’ll be watching you.

InsomniaCookies My God. Where has insomnia been my whole life soaring elegantly with my crimson wings across this earth ...
12/03/2023

InsomniaCookies

My God. Where has insomnia been my whole life soaring elegantly with my crimson wings across this earth (RGV)? red velvet as delicate as my feathers, double chocolate chip that slaps all mothers in my ancestry, mint that makes my mouth like the Everglades,all cookies have blown my mind, except the snickerdoodles, they lacked the pizazz I so long for.
I was the oldest sober customer in the joint, all the stoner college kids made me relive my youth with a sadness that my faded college career was long behind me and I didn't have these cookies to satisfy my midnight munchies when I was in pulling my all nighters.
Four flamingos. 🦩🦩🦩🦩

China Cafe McAllen. Where to begin, one week of a raw sphincter , I was nearly blasting off to orbit the earth with my s...
11/03/2023

China Cafe McAllen.

Where to begin, one week of a raw sphincter , I was nearly blasting off to orbit the earth with my salmonella-fueled a**s, and praying to the porcelain gods for mercy on my toot hole, and for some sweet sleep. I had to request my spouse install a harness to the toilet for the ride of my life.
One wing to rule them all, and rule it did.
One week and a hefty dose of cipro later and my b***y hole is finally recovering. My quivering stomach bids salmonella adieus
10/10 recommend if you want a kickstart to weight loss, literally 10lbs in five days. My telehealth Dr winced at the sight of me and my ghastly appearance of the worst dysentery of my life. We may or may not have talked whilst my a**s was power washing the back of my toilet with salmonella.
So, if you plan to dine at this fine buffet of salmonella and God only knows what else, best of luck and make sure you can work from your porcelain throne, it will be your new home.
Godspeed my friends.
Zero Flamingos

DISCLAIMER: this nightmare of an experience was one week ago. Plus side- the weight has stayed off. 5 out of 5 for the weight loss.

Welcome my petty flock to a page of brutally honest reviews of the food industry of the good ol’ RGV, come fly with me a...
11/03/2023

Welcome my petty flock to a page of brutally honest reviews of the food industry of the good ol’ RGV, come fly with me as I take you on an epic journey of what’s hot and what’s not at our local eateries. We will laugh, we will cry, we will get petty.
This petty Flamingo rates our establishments using the flamingo system, much better than stars, why? Because you can leave zero flamingoes. Our reviews are honest, funny, and most of all they’re petty. Who is this fabulous Petty Flamingo, you might ask? The best food critic in Texas.

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