09/16/2024
Feeling very reflective this weekend. Thinking a lot about how far Iāve come in my journey of self-awareness, softening and deepening with myself. I owe so much of that to my relationship with , and how our friendship supports our evolution.
My sister Susie sent me this photo tonight. I think Iām 18. She was visiting me and my family in NY, and our Dad gave us money to go to the Empire State Building.
I look happy, but deep inside I felt deeply inadequate and unlovable. My self-esteem took such a hit from being at a PWI where girls like me were not imagined as beautiful or desirable in ways that merited our magic.
I searched for approval and acceptance, but there was always a hollow ringing in my heart that made everything feel shallow. I had censored myself, silenced my anger and pain so much, I didnāt know how to become the woman I was supposed to be.
If I stopped long enough to pay attention and look past the numbness, I felt felt achy, heavy and bruised. So I didnāt stop! I worked super hard at academics, played sports, partied a lot, and shared about everything except the things that really mattered. Eventually I went to graduate school to work and party harder. Eventually, my impostor syndrome and self doubt made me start therapy.
Today, Iām different. Life kicked me around a couple of times in my 20s till I got angry enough to just feel the flood of feelings I had decided to avoid all my life. And then it did it again and again more recently until I was molded into the woman of my dreams, equal parts fierce and tender.
Maybe one day Iāll be wise.
Adeleās āhelloā because if you listen to the lyrics in a different, non-romantic way, itās a ballad apologizing to a younger self that she abandoned and let struggle. Itās a reflection on personal growth with the vantage point only time can afford. What is more romantic than that?