Best Conflict Solutions, LLC

09/10/2026

Who needs mediation ground rules — and who doesn’t? In my new post I explain why reminding people of rules often shuts down honest conversation and what to do instead: opening that invites listening to understand, stepping in to summarize when things heat up, and the research on the cost of suppressed emotion. Read more: https://wix.to/yMuFFy8

I don’t use ground rules in mediation, and I never have. In my mediation coaching and skills training, I watch what happens when someone is reminded of the rules: they shut down and start saying the right thing instead of the true thing. Here’s what I do instead, from an opening that asks people...

08/10/2026

Every week I write "We Need to Talk" for The Kewanee Voice, and every week I share it here with my Facebook community.

This week: what our brains do when we don't know the whole story. Spoiler, they write one anyway.

We Need to Talk
with Kimberly Best

Dear Kim,

My best friend of fifteen years hosted a get-together two weekends ago and I wasn't invited. I found out from photos online, and I've been sick about it ever since. We haven't fought, at least not that I know of. But now I'm replaying every conversation from the last six months, and I keep landing on a comment I made about her son's wedding. I've written her a dozen texts and deleted every one. My husband says I'm making a mountain out of a molehill, but he didn't see the photos. Was it something I said?

Sick About It

Dear Sick,

I want you to notice what you've been doing for two weeks, because you've been doing something impressive. With no new information at all, you have written, directed, and starred in an entire movie. In your movie, your friend is angry, the wedding comment is the reason, the party was the punishment, and you are now on the outside of a fifteen-year friendship looking in. That's a lot of production value for a story with exactly one confirmed fact: you weren't at a party.

Here's a truth about how our brains naturally work: In the absence of knowing, we are hard-wired to make up a story. The brain hates a blank space the way nature hates a vacuum, so it fills the gap fast, and it almost never fills it with "she probably kept it small" or "she assumed I was busy" or "her sister-in-law made the list." It fills it with our own fears. Which means the story you're telling yourself right now says more about what you're afraid of than about what your friend actually did.

And could the story be true? Sure. Maybe the wedding comment landed wrong. But notice what your movie has cost you already: two weeks of misery, twelve deleted texts, and, if you keep this up, you'll start acting cold toward her to protect yourself, she'll wonder what she did, and the two of you will end up in a real conflict manufactured entirely from an imaginary one. I have watched fifteen-year friendships end exactly this way, with both people responding to stories the other one never wrote.

So, here's your assignment, and it takes one sentence, which is thirteen fewer drafts than you've already written: "I saw the photos from your get-together and I'm telling myself a story that I did something to hurt you. Did I?"

That phrase, the story I'm telling myself, is doing quiet, heavy lifting. It's honest about what's on your mind without accusing her of anything, because you're not saying she excluded you, you're admitting your brain went somewhere and you'd like to check the map. It gives her every chance to say "Oh honey, it was just the neighbors" or, if the wedding comment did sting, to finally say so, which would be a gift, because then you'd have a real conversation instead of a rerun.

Fifteen years has earned her the chance to answer a question instead of a verdict. Ask it.

Kim

Have a conversation you've been avoiding? Write to Kim at [email protected]. Letters may be edited for length and privacy.

Kimberly Best, RN, MA, is a court-listed mediator in Missouri and Tennessee, a FINRA arbitrator, and founder of Best Conflict Solutions, LLC in St. Louis. She is the creator of the Best Conflict Conversation Cards. Learn more at bestconflictsolutions.com.

05/10/2026

Your brain is not getting hijacked. It's a smoke detector.

You've probably heard of the "amygdala hijack." That idea was debunked a long time ago. The amygdala is less of an alarm that takes over and more of a relevance detector. Its job is to ask one question: is this important?

So what sets it off? Anything unfamiliar or unexpected. A new face. A plan that changed all of a sudden. And above all, ambiguity.

That's why a vague email from your boss that just says "we need to talk" hits harder than a clear complaint would. The detector hates not knowing.

For those of us who work in conflict, this changes the job. Our role isn't to calm down a brain that's been hijacked. It's to cut down the uncertainty that keeps the alarm going. Being clear is one of the kindest things we can do in a hard conversation.

This clip is from my "Different, Not Difficult" talk with Will Work for Food. Thank you, Natalie Armstrong Motin, for building such a generous community of dispute resolution professionals.

What's the most anxiety-inducing vague message you've ever gotten?

02/10/2026

I have met an awesome person with an equally awesome idea that I'd like to share with my elder law, estate planning, and mediation colleagues.

Megan Marszalek is the founder of Legacy Heirloom, a digital platform that helps families preserve the stories, meaning, and wishes connected to their personal belongings.

Here's why it matters to our work: personal property (the stuff in our houses) is 5x more likely to cause family conflict during estate settlement than financial or titled assets. Those fights are rarely about the objects themselves. They're about what the objects represent: memory, identity, family roles, fairness, and the conversations that never happened.

Legacy Heirloom gives families a simple way to photograph meaningful items, record the stories in their own voices, document their wishes, and invite loved ones to contribute. It fills a gap that traditional estate documents rarely touch, and it opens the door to earlier, healthier family conversations before a crisis leaves everyone guessing.

I love this. Take a look and try it for yourself: https://mylegacyheirloom.com/

01/10/2026

Week two of "We Need to Talk," my column for The Kewanee Voice, shared here every week for this community.

This one's about the difference between asking for advice and asking for a blessing, and what happens when a marriage can't tell the two apart.

We Need to Talk
with Kimberly Best

Dear Kim,

I've been a nurse for over twenty years. Last month my husband came to me worried about a health issue and asked what I thought he should do. I told him, clearly and carefully, like I would for any patient I love, which he is. Then he went and did the opposite. And here's the part that stings: he didn't even tell me. I found out by accident when the pharmacy called. I feel betrayed, and he acts like I'm overreacting. Am I?

Second Opinion

Dear Second Opinion,

No, you're not overreacting. But I'd like to slow down and look at what you're reacting to, because I don't think it's one thing. I think it's three.

Try saying it this way, out loud if you have to: a part of me is hurt that he asked for my advice and didn't take it. A part of me is insulted, because this is my profession, and twenty years of expertise got set aside like a casserole suggestion. And a part of me is scared, because I found out from the pharmacy, and now I'm wondering what else I don't know.

Here's why I want you to separate those parts. When we mash them together, they come out of our mouths as one big accusation, and one big accusation gets one big defense. "You betrayed me" invites "You're overreacting." But each part, spoken on its own, invites something different. Hurt invites comfort. Fear invites reassurance. Even the insulted part, named honestly, invites respect.

Now, the harder half of this letter. I'd gently ask you to consider that when your husband came to you worried, he may not have been asking his nurse. He may have been asking his wife. And there's a real possibility he already knew what he wanted to do and was hoping you'd bless it. When you gave him a professional answer instead, he may have felt he couldn't come back to you with his decision without getting the lecture he'd already imagined. So he went quiet. That doesn't excuse the silence. It might explain it, and there's a difference between those two things.

Because here's what I'd want the two of you to sort out, and it isn't the health decision. Asking for advice is not a promise to follow it. He gets to make his own choices about his own body, even choices his nurse wife thinks are wrong. What he doesn't get to do is hide them, because marriages don't run on agreement. They run on honesty. You two could survive disagreeing about his health for thirty years. What you can't survive is the pharmacy knowing more than you do.

So when you talk, and please do talk, lead with the scared part, not the insulted one. "A part of me got really frightened when I found out that way" will reach him. Then ask for the thing you actually need going forward: not obedience, just the truth. And maybe offer him something too, that when he brings you a worry, you'll ask a question I've learned to treasure: "Do you want me to listen, or do you want my advice?"

You'd be surprised how often the answer is listen.

Kim

Have a conversation you've been avoiding? Write to Kim at [email protected]. Letters may be edited for length and privacy.

Kimberly Best, RN, MA, is a court-listed mediator in Missouri and Tennessee, a FINRA arbitrator, and founder of Best Conflict Solutions, LLC in St. Louis. She is the creator of the Best Conflict Conversation Cards. Learn more at bestconflictsolutions.com.

28/09/2026

I'm excited to celebrate my friend Bouvier Eulen as she launches Eulen Visionary Consulting! 🎉

Bouvier is the Executive Director of the Statewide California Mediation Association. She brings that same hands on, in the trenches understanding to her new work, helping membership associations and ADR organizations implement AI in ways that actually stick.

What sets her apart? She has lived the exact challenges her clients bring to her. Limited staff. Budget pressure. A board that wants progress. She built the systems that work inside her own organization first, so when she walks into yours, she is not guessing.

Her commitment to quality and excellence shows in everything she does. No trend chasing. No six month engagements with binders nobody reads. Just practical strategy that moves the needle for organizations that are stretched thin.

If you lead a membership association, an ADR organization, or a mediation panel and have been curious about AI but don't know where to start, Bouvier is exactly who you want in your corner.

Learn more or book a discovery call at eulenconsulting.com

25/09/2026

Huge congratulations to Melinda Feldman, Anthony S. Khoury, Esq., LL.M., and Kelly Myers, CDC®, on receiving the 2026 President's Award from the Statewide California Mediation Association.

This award goes to members who go above and beyond, not just showing up for the organization but strengthening it, and who gave real support to SCMA's president throughout the year. As a fellow member of a volunteer led field, I know how much unseen work sits behind an honor like this.

A special congratulations to my friend Melinda Feldman. Watching your commitment to this community over the years, this recognition is so well deserved.

Congratulations to all three of you. SCMA is stronger because of the work you do.

24/09/2026

Each week I write "We Need to Talk" for The Kewanee Voice (kewaneevoice.com), a nonprofit local paper in Illinois, answering readers' letters about the conversations they've been avoiding. Some of you asked me to share, so here's the first:

We Need to Talk
with Kimberly Best

Dear Kim,

My sister and I have been close our whole lives, but lately every conversation turns into an argument. Politics, how to handle Mom's living situation, even how I make my BBQ. If I say what I really think, she acts like I've betrayed her. So now I just agree with everything or keep my mouth shut, and honestly, both feel terrible. I miss my sister. How do I talk to her without it turning into a fight?

Biting M. Tongue

Dear Biting

First, I want you to notice something in your own letter. You said you miss your sister, and she's right there. That tells me the argument isn't really about BBQ. You've both started treating disagreement as evidence that the other one has switched sides.

Here's an idea worth writing on the refrigerator: "Just because I don't agree with you doesn't mean I'm against you. It means I'm different from you." That's all it means. You and your sister grew up in the same house, but you've lived two different lives since, collected different experiences, and come to different conclusions. That's not betrayal. That's two people.

In my mediation work, I've learned there's almost never one right answer in a disagreement. There are two truths, at least. Your sister's truth about Mom's living situation came from somewhere real, and so did yours. When we stop trying to figure out who's wrong, we free up all that energy for something more useful: figuring out what each of us actually needs. And enjoying different versions of BBQ.

So here's what I'd try. The next time she says something you disagree with, don't argue and don't fold. Say four words instead: "Tell me more about that." Then actually listen, not the kind of listening where you're loading your comeback, but the kind where you're trying to understand how a person you love arrived somewhere different than you did. You'll be amazed what those four words do. They tell her she doesn't have to defend herself, and a person who doesn't have to defend herself can finally hear you too.

And when it's your turn, try starting with "Here's how I see it" instead of "Here's how it is." One invites a conversation. The other invites a rebuttal.

Will this fix everything by Sunday dinner? Probably not. But you don't need to fix everything. You need to make it safe for two sisters to be different in the same room. Silent agreement isn't peace, it's just quieter conflict, and it costs you the very closeness you're trying to protect.

Make your BBQ your way. Love her anyway. Those two things were never in conflict to begin with.

Kim

Have a conversation you've been avoiding? Write to Kim at [email protected]. Letters may be edited for length and privacy.

Kimberly Best, RN, MA, is a court-listed mediator in Missouri and Tennessee, a FINRA arbitrator, and founder of Best Conflict Solutions, LLC in St. Louis. She is the creator of the Best Conflict Conversation Cards. Learn more at bestconflictsolutions.com.

23/09/2026

Episode 212 of the Healthcare Leadership Excellence podcast is live, and I had such a good conversation with host Karl Pister for this one.

If you don't know Karl's show, it's worth the subscribe. He digs into real leadership challenges through the lens of outstanding healthcare professionals, and he brings a level of curiosity and care to these conversations that makes guests actually open up.

We talked about my path from critical care and ER nursing into mediation, why conflict feels so threatening to so many of us, and how the ladder of inference has us reaching conclusions before we even understand what is happening. We also got into broken trust, difficult workplace relationships, and why HR should not be expected to solve every disagreement alone.

The short version: conflict is normal. The goal was never to eliminate it. The goal is building the skill to handle it well.

Full episode link in bio/comments. If this conversation resonates and you want practical tools for your own team, the Best Conflict Conversation Cards: Workplace Edition give people the evidence-based skills we talked about, in a format your team will actually use.

Podcast listeners get 10% off with code PODCAST10 at bestconflictsolutions.com

Pister Leadership Excellence

22/09/2026

Children fall out and are back together by morning—what if adults relearned that practice? In “What the Playground Knows That We Forgot,” Kimberly Best explores how small acts of repair rebuild trust, respect, and conflict skills we desperately need at home, work, and society. Read the full essay and start practicing repair today: https://wix.to/Pip3T4V

Children fall out with each other constantly, and the next morning they are back on the same blacktop. Somewhere between second grade and adulthood, we started treating a broken conversation as permanent. Our family conflicts and our geopolitical conflicts are the same conflicts scaled up. Only the....