Marshall Bolin - Coaching for Better Mental Health

09/10/2023

How often we hear the words "break down" in connection with a person crying.

This or that person "broke down into tears".

We even hear this language in news reports.

What's breaking down? Some apparatus that is trying to prevent us from crying? Why would we need to prevent ourselves from crying?

There's an implication in this kind of language that crying is abnormal, that it's supposed to be stopped. Why?

We even hear this language in reference to situations where crying is absolutely normal and expected, like at funerals.

"She broke down in tears as she read the eulogy."

Why is someone crying at a funeral described as something that wouldn't have happened unless there was some sort of malfunction? We wouldn't use language of malfunction to describe someone laughing at a comedy movie.

"The man broke down and started laughing in the comedy club."

Is our idea of a well-functioning person one who doesn't cry?

Is a well-functioning person one who doesn't laugh?

13/08/2022

Why might someone feel better after taking antidepressants if adjusting your serotonin doesn't really work, as is indicated by the recent major study? In this episode, I explore a compelling explanation.

Given the recent umbrella study questioning the effectiveness of antidepressants, some might be wondering, "Why then did I feel better after taking the medic...

08/08/2022

Therapists all booked solid? Try working with a mental health coach who's been through anxiety and depression himself. Recovery is possible and affordable.

06/08/2022

Are you doomed to a life of depression if you don't eat right or exercise?

What kinds of strategies are commonly recommended for recovering from problems with anxiety and depression? Are these things really essential? What IS essent...

06/08/2022

Anyone else intrigued by the recent umbrella study on antidepressants? Here's an article I wrote about it.

Honestly I assumed I'd never in my lifetime see studies like this recent umbrella study on antidepressants. I'm so grateful to the people who orchestrated the study, and I'm excited about what this means for the near future of psychotherapy.

01/08/2022

Here's my latest podcast episode. I talk about the kind of person you might want to look to for help.

What are the qualities of a well person? Do you know anyone who fits this description? Maybe this person can tell you how they went from troubled to less tro...

29/05/2022

People looking for help with depression often report that they don't know who they are. They say they feel numb or don't feel anything at all.

There are reasons for this that are able to be understood, though it takes time and patience to understand.

If you are depressed and wondering who you are, it could be because you are only willing to be your "best self", and not willing to be the real, imperfect, human that you are on most days. Human beings aren't always successful or happy, and depressed people (as well as the culture at large) don't tend to acknowledge this reality. "Who WAS that person?" depressed people often say in reference to themselves when looking back on a time when they acted in a way that they are now embarrassed by. That person was you, being human and making mistakes. Just like every other human. Embarrassment is a useful emotion to help you act differently in the future, yet, at the same time, if you feel like you don't know who you are, it might be that you could also use some acknowledgement, acceptance, and validation from yourself -- acknowledgement that you are not only a successful person but a person who makes mistakes sometimes too.

So depressed people try very hard not to acknowledge their unsuccessful, human parts. But wait, there's more. Depressed people also try very hard not to acknowledge their positive and successful qualities.

If you are depressed and wondering who you are, it could be that you are in the habit of trying not to acknowledge the parts of yourself that you are proud of. As soon as you start to feel good about yourself, you might find yourself automatically saying:

"It's egotistical and narcissistic to dwell on my successes! If people knew I was proud of myself, they'd roll their eyes and think, 'Yeah, well, you're not THAT great'!"

Or:

"If I celebrate feeling good about myself, then I'll be extra disappointed when I mess up and do something embarrassing and the feeling changes. And I'll deserve it, too, because pride comes before a fall!"

So wait, let me get this straight. Culture says we're not supposed to think negatively OR positively about ourselves?

This might explain why we don't know who we are.

16/05/2022

People who aren't troubled by an emotional problem are still bothered by stuff. They feel the pain of dilemmas, they regret the consequences of their actions, they feel insecure and make mistakes.

At the heart of emotional problems is a perfectionism that assumes it's possible to live a life without suffering - and that if I find myself suffering, it's because I am to blame for not being able to do what anyone should be able to do.

Those of us with emotional problems shame ourselves very harshly for making choices that have imperfect outcomes. We can't leave the party because think it's weak, and we can't stay at the party because we think feeling anxious or insecure is unacceptable.

When we can accept that there is no perfect solution to any problem (and that we're not responsible for finding one), life becomes a lot lighter for us, even when we're suffering. We see how normal our feelings are. We go from a place of having no options to having multiple options. And we transition from the torment of trying to do the impossible (i.e. do everything perfectly, never have uncomfortable feelings) to the satisfaction of connecting with what is meaningful and possible in our lives.

Learning how to recover from emotional problems ain't easy, and it doesn't happen after reading one book or attending one workshop. But it is possible. I've been through it myself.

If you'd like a coach to help you get on the path of better-and-better, reach out.

[email protected]
507-459-7217

or just message me through Instagram/Facebook

26/02/2022

The journey towards seeing imperfection as normal and acceptable is a slow and gradual one.

Learning to go easy on yourself about your thoughts and feelings is not something that happens quickly. The upside of that is: you are off the hook for recovering quickly or perfectly. Perfection and hurry are neither required nor helpful on the road to better mental health.

Learning to accept and make sense of your thoughts and feelings is difficult, possible, and healing. And on this road to better mental health there are many times when you are not able to accept or make sense of your feelings.

I find it beautiful and profound that the best way to heal from emotional problems is to go through process imperfectly.

If you'd like a little help seeing the validity of your thoughts and feelings, reach out to me at

[email protected]
507-459-7217

05/02/2022

We are often barraged with conflicting messages about what we must do to have better mental health. On the one hand, we hear messages like, "You've got to face your fears!" and "Never give up!" which are often presented in a way that leads to us feeling guilty for relaxing or avoiding.

And on the other hand we are barraged with messages about self-care and monitoring our stress levels, which often leave us feeling guilty about motivating ourselves and worried that anxiety and stress are dangerous emotions.

So we must relax AND we must never give up? We must face our fears AND we must be careful not to feel too much fear?

Sheesh! We rightly panic when we believe we'll be in trouble if we don't go left and right at the same time. We get the feeling that we can never do anything right.

If we replace the "must"s with "may"s we'll have a self-talk that's conducive to better mental health.

If I'm overwhelmed, I may relax. I can give myself a break. There might be consequences to my relaxing, but maybe I bit off more than I can chew and am just now realizing that. I can try to make amends later with whoever's affected by my taking a breather. Or I could decide to try and muddle through, even though I'm overwhelmed. I may press forward and relax later. I have options.

If there's something I want to do but I feel a great deal of fear about doing it, I am welcome to do it even though I'll feel scared. Or, it's okay to decide I'm not ready to do it today.

Better mental health involves living much of life in the gray area where there are multiple acceptable options and no perfect solutions. This is the realm of the possible. Those of us with emotional problems spend a lot of time trying to achieve the impossible and then seeing ourselves as failures when we can't pull it off. (Also, there are probably people in our lives who punish us for not being able to be perfect and do the impossible.)

We can't be expected to find perfect solutions to our problems, so we're off the hook for that. We can often find good solutions, though, if we're willing to be imperfect.