29/10/2018
This is so well said 😊
The Art of Holding the Space
I first heard of the concept of 'holding the space', at our Steiner playgroup we went to, then with my toddler and baby. It really resonated with me as something key and I have spent years consciously mastering this art. I think this, together with rhythm and gentle respectful communication, is what makes being at home with the children lovely.
Holding the space allows children to be able to develop deep engagement in play. Like any neural activity of the brain, the more it is used, the more it develops. I read play, imagination and creativity are all foundations for later intelligence, lateral thinking, problem solving... It is also their down time and processing of their world and so much more for soul development. When I learnt all this, I really wanted to nurture it.
To me "being" home with children deeply and happily playing, engaging themselves and relaxed, is beautiful. (Note Being is the key word!). We have had a winter mainly inside this year (inspired by Little House In The Big Woods chapter book and too many colds last year) and I have really reaped the fruits of this art. So I would love to share. Let me try and put it into words, give some helpful tips I have found and give examples of what has worked and hasn't worked for me ....
Holding the space is being a peaceful presence in the room or nearby space but not entertaining, directing or interfering with their play. It creates a space where they are happy, and comfortable and free to explore their own play. Knowing you are there, available to help or come to if need be. This looks different as your baby and toddlers grow into pre schoolers and guides your daily rhythm.
Things that hold the space well in our home:
* Sweeping or mopping the floor. I used to do it in a rush. Hoping to get it half finished before baby or toddler needed me. Then I realised my energy was all wrong. I needed to relax, sing, go in a relaxed rhythm (rhythm being everything for a child - breathe, heart rate, day, night). Now my intuition tells me to start next to the play room. If I start at the other end of the room it wouldn't hold the space. Then as I go, I get further to the other side of the room.
* Doing the dishes. Warm water (which I just love), peaceful music, a candle or sunshine through the window.... Who would have thought you could enjoy dishes!
* Hanging laundry on the cloths horse or folding clean laundry.
* Pottering tidying the kitchen, cooking, getting the next meal or activity ready.
* Watering trees, weeding
* Walking in a circle slowly (outside). I call it my Thai chi walk.
* Some yoga poses
Things that weren't good:
* Craft. It is supposed to be good, but I didn't find craft good at holding the space especially early on. Perhaps as I get very involved and goal orientated with it Eg inside I am thinking "I just want to finish this bit". Craft that takes concentration takes you mentally away and not present. I recommend a very simple craft where you put down any moment and can stay available. I used to sit in the play room after breakfast as part of our morning rhythm with preschooler and baby to settle them into their play. I tried craft here. Craft works a bit better now they are older.
* Reading - I find this doesn't really work unless they are fully engaged and off in another room. I intuitively feel I need to sit nearby still to hold the space. If I went too far away they would disengage from their play and come and look for me.
Things that pop the space like a pin
* IT without a doubt is a definite pin. When you think about it, it takes your mind elsewhere. I believe children sense this and actually feel like you have left the house. That's why they come running to your side every time. They want to know you are still there and pull you back.
* Talking on the phone. I think this is a bit similar to IT but also just the chatting out loud distracts them. I work on myself to try to keep admin for admin day on a Monday, between 12-1 or after bedtime.
* Interupting them with play suggestions, asking to tidy up, put that away, put your slippers on ...
Things I have found really helpful to hold the space:
* Have the next part of the rhythm ready to go. If you have the morning tea done and ready to put on the table, or the painting set up at the table then they happily flow from one to another. Notice when their flow in their free play is fading or drawing to a close then you can guide them to the activity or next part of your rhythm. At 9 am my children will tend to come to the kitchen, notice morning tea set up and just go to the table. Or later they come out (and may otherwise be wingy or have an issue) and see the paints set up and go to their seats eager to start. The morning peacefully flows.
* Give them some time and let them go again. The breathing in and breathing out through the rhythm of the day as the Steiner philosophy says. So for us it is like breakfast, free play, morning tea together, bit of free play, morning activity together, free play, lunch together and maybe table story, quiet time, free play outside, Chapter book, free play, dinner and bath .... the day just flows. It is like the ebb and flow of the beach. They have you, all of you, your loving presence, for those together times, then with their cups full happily run off and play.
* Be mindful and intuitive about the distance you are away. When my two were young, the sand pit was part of our daily rhythm (well it still is). I loved getting out in the morning sun. Sometimes I would play with them. But I worked on just holding the space. Sometimes I just sat on a chair next to them and rested. I would have loved loved to have had a cup of tea but I knew if I quickly ran inside the space would be broken (believe me I tested this intuition!) So I just gave up on that. (Carrying a cup of tea baby/toddler outside together just never seemed to happen). I put pots and grew herbs that I could fuss over nearby. I swept the paving over and over. Sometimes there was hardly anything there. I weeded nearby garden beds. Sometimes I got buckets of soapy water and did hand washing. If I went to the vegetable patch (that didn't have any veges) 20 metres away there would be an upset (hence why it didn't have any veges). If I went to race to the feed shed 30m away to do the daily feeds of my horses it went wrong each time. Someone would jump on top of someone even if they were playing peacefully for 30 min before. Now they are older, I can go to do the horse feeds and clean the horse yard with my wheelbarrow for 20 min listening to them happily playing and building bridges etc over there. It's lovely. (I love my poo shovelling time!)
* Be mindful and intuitive about sounds that will cut the space. I used to be aware that if I opened the door to the garage to get bread or something for dinner out of the freezer then that would interrupt them. There are other sounds around the house that I intuitively know will or will not disturb them.
* Let them play near you. A top priority when we were moving was to have a play room next to the kitchen. I was looking for a house with a dinning room we could use as a play room and we got one that was great. Yet they often play on the kitchen floor or kitchen table. It makes a mess, I'm constantly stepping over things, but I don't mind. If they want to play near that's ok. One day they will be in their rooms or have moved out. It's nice they want to be close to me.
* Have a peaceful frame of mind. I find even just glancing at IT for a few seconds during the day distracts my mind for half an hour or more after as I think about something I saw. Meditation each morning and writing an intention really helps with this. I aim for a zen blissful buzz. It's wonderful when you get that energy and must be wonderful for them to feel it.
* For me holding the space is like a practice of meditation and mindfulness to keep bringing my attention back to it.
I think it's such a beautiful thing for children to just be able to relax and play at home. When we get home from anywhere they run to the play room. You can really see it is their relax and unwind. And I love our peaceful days. I wonder if mothers learnt and practiced this art, if they would enjoy spending more time at home with their children in our modern world.
