25/08/2026
Oooh that hurts (being a long-time Sydneysider) but its kinda true!!! EO
Otherwise known as ‘London for Aussies who can’t handle a twenty-hour flight’, Sydney is a sweltering sh*t crucible beset by a confusing layout, horrific traffic and ever-increasing property prices that mean the only people who can really afford to live there are crooked investment bankers, crooked politicians and the children of crooked media moguls.
Sydney’s iconic landmarks are the Sydney Opera House (which was designed by a Dane), Sydney Harbour Bridge (which was designed by Scots) and Bondi Beach (which was nicked from the natives). In addition to Bondi, Sydney boasts an abundance of beaches, which would be great if not for the fact that most of its residents spend the majority of their time either working to pay outsized rent or mortgages or stuck in seemingly endless traffic jams. If you do find five minutes to visit a beach, it will be covered with tourists and Instagram models scrapping to take the perfect selfie. Sadney’s nightlife has never fully recovered from the time of its notorious lockout laws, designed to curb Australia’s favourite nocturnal pastime: coward punching strangers while queuing for a dodgy kebab.
In many respects Sydney is actually a bunch of sh*t towns loosely amalgamated into a giant, sloppy, steaming sh*tropolis. The eastern suburbs are filled with ex-private-school boys driving midlife crisis machines, looking for their next trophy wife while avoiding being charged with insider trading. The northern beaches are filled with surfer stereotypes who refuse to cross the bridge under any circumstances and will happily stab you for the perfect wave. The inner west is filled with paleo-obsessed hipsters supping on a wide range of soy-based beverages while pursuing a career as a ‘content creator’ and letting their property developer parents pay their rent. Southern Sydney is where flag-wearing rednecks stage most of their race riots. While the majority of Sydneysiders like to pretend their city ends somewhere around Annandale, Greater Western Sydney is where they keep their bogans, benefit cheats and prospective ISIS recruits.