16/04/2023
My love note to you,
This isn't what breaks you,
This is your creation.
You stand here wondering how you will go on, after all that is done and said. The words repeat in your mind and the heaviness like lead weighs down heart and limb.
Life has become too much and you feel it bubbling up like sludge, thick, sticky and dirty oozing up through that beautiful mask you wear.
You placed that smile so carefully, those lovely affirmations tied that mask In place and now the anger and pain push up against that lie.
You don't understand, you lied just right.
You prayed every night.
You were a good person,
You knew not to be difficult or unpleasant.
You knew people only wanted to hear you were OK, what you cooked for dinner and what you are watching on TV.
You swallow your darkness and repress difficult memories,
When they rise up like the stream of argumentative thoughts you scream at them to hush.
You tell them no, they are not appropriate, they are not positive, they are not welcome.
They continue, they get louder, they get faster.
You toss in your sleep, awaking in a cold sweat, arising unrested.
Your emotions fester and eat away at you like cancer, more and more of you rots and grows bitter as your mind turns against you.
Isolated and unable to share how you feel you find yourself alone with your shadow.
It is here and now that you are at the start, not the end of difficulty but the kindling and spark to a raging fire. Your shadow hands you the spark, the anger that ignites into rage of boundaries that were crossed and times when you didn't speak up.
You are ablaze now, from within your belly you know who you are no longer willing to be and you know what you must do.
You throw down the words of affirmation, the pleasantries and the struggle. You aren't fine, you are ablaze in the glory of your humanity.
Feeling yourself for the first time in fullness, seeing the unclaimed power in your shadow.
The strength, the grit, the desire.
You feel your heart thud in answer at your war cry and know that now your body is here with you. Heart, mind, body and spirit. You are aligned, no more self criticism and turning against yourself. You live for you now, you listen to your heart and weave your desires into reality. No more repression you walk a path of passion. You turn to your shadow and you thank it, you stand peering into the blackness of your own darkness. The more you look, the more you see. Vivid reds burning angers and saucy delights, flashes of orange confusion, shame and creative dreams and deepest of blue depressions and mysterious wonder. The everything you locked away when you put on your mask.
You take the hand of your shadow and it accepts, it melts into your cracks of trauma, the wounds your armour of well wishing and good deeds that did not keep you safe. It tingles and ripples as you accept back your compass, your power and your muse. It lines the cracks and fills all the holes.
You burn bright in the glory of all your humanity, your darkness and light united to create your ultimate strength.
This isn't what breaks you, this is your creation.