26/09/2019
MANAGE YOUR EGO AND LIVE POWERFULLY
Over the past few weeks I have explored and shared about the ways our ego shows up in our life that isn’t helpful. In this final installment, I share my insight into the origin of my ego and how I manage it; and I offer you my key take-home message.
MY EGO IS ALL ABOUT ME
I created my ego to protect me and keep me safe. My ego is all about me. No surprise in this but why does the ego exist in the first place? It occurs to me that my life would have been much simpler if I didn’t have an ego. It seems to have done nothing but get in my way and cause me problems in all of my relationships and at work. Ryan Holiday’s book “Ego is the Enemy’ echoes my sentiments and is a fantastic read and offers readers powerful insights into the impact of ego in people’s lives. Experts like Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung wrote extensively on ego and are far more knowledgeable about the subject than I am; however, it is useful to look at origin of the ego from a place of introspection.
MY EGO HIDES WHAT I DON’T WANT THE WORLD TO SEE
I grew up in an abusive family environment. My father was easily angered and he expressed his anger frequently. He often took his anger out on me, emotionally and physically. As difficult as it was to live through this experience as a child growing up, I learnt as an adult that I didn’t have it as bad as some kids. Knowing this didn’t make any difference though. My life still unraveled when my first marriage ended. The feedback I got from my ex-wife, unwelcome at the time, changed my life. I began working with a psychologist. Together we examined everything that wasn’t working in my life. We drilled down and unpacked my ego to see where and how it impacted my life and relationships.
The abuse I suffered growing up left me feeling “scared and stupid.” To avoid feeling stupid, I studied. I was a slave to my ego. I became a high achieving student and I completed my PhD by the time I was 25. I spent the next 6 years at Harvard University doing post-doctoral study. I was determined I wasn’t going to be made to feel stupid by anyone so I became an expert in my chosen field of research. I knew as much or more than anyone else did on the subject and I could get to be ‘right’ much of the time. In hindsight, I came to see my study was all a mechanism to ensure my ‘survival’. My ego evolved to protect me from the fear of feeling stupid. However, it was much more than this. My ego developed to protect the “scared little boy”. Instead of being scared, I became a loud, arrogant and dominating blunt know-it-all to keep people away and ‘protect’ me. All thanks to my ego.
MY EGO ISN’T GOING ANYWHERE
So how did this play out in my life? I often flipped between being either a scared little boy or a loud, arrogant and egotistical know it all. As the former I lacked confidence. I was at the effect of others and wanted to please people and receive their praise. I wanted others to “tell me what to do?” As the latter, I was highly opinionated, controlling, not influenced by others, disconnected and exuded an arrogance that said, “don’t tell me what to do!” On reflection my ego kept me safe as a child and served me well growing up. It helped me survive my circumstances. However, as an adult my ego hasn’t served me as well. As soon as I felt challenged, threatened, or I couldn’t control the situation my ego kicked in to bring my sense of control and safety back. This applied to all my relationships. I wasn’t comfortable feeling vulnerable and my ego had me push people away to keep them at a safe distance. I made it hard for people to contribute to me. I was often resistant, reactive and insensitive. Until I learnt to put my ego aside, I struggled to maintain healthy relationships. Thankfully, I eventually did learn.
The reality is our ego isn’t going anywhere. The key, as I have learnt, is to recognise when the ego is activated and learn ways to be put it aside to be your true self. An effective way to put aside your ego and focus on others is to ask yourself “how can I be of service here?” Authenticity is a word that gets bandied around a lot these days. For me, authenticity lies somewhere in the middle between the ‘ego-activated state’ and the ‘scared little boy’ or your particular version of the ‘hurt child.’ Authenticity starts with developing self-awareness, which is key to understanding and managing your ego. If you want to build healthy, life-giving relationships and lead powerfully, start with getting to know yourself well.
Are you aware of your ego? Do you know when your ego is activated? Are you present to the impacts your ego has had in your life? Are you courageous and willing do the self-examination? If you don’t deal with your ego, sooner or later you will have to deal with the impact of your facade. My question is what will you do about it then? My advice is don’t wait until you are impacted by your ego, take action now to understand and remove your triggers. Only then you will start having the life you were meant to have and be the contribution you were born to be.
Does this resonate with you? Are you interested in unpacking your ego? Contact me today to explore the possibility of one-on-one coaching with me to elevate your performance.
Bernard works in leadership development within STEMM and other creative sectors. He works with executives and other professionals who are courageous and committed to developing their leadership intelligence and capacity. He is available to coach or consult.
Bernard Callus, PhD
Be Exceptional | The Art and Science of Leadership
Creating Leaders, Inspiring Leadership
[email protected]
www.beexceptional.consulting
