Matt Fordham Equine Hoofcare Professional

27/08/2026

HOW TO OPERATE AN EQUINE PROFESSIONAL

USER MANUAL FOR HORSE OWNERS, HORSES AND OTHER INTERESTED PARTIES

IMPORTANT

You have acquired access to an Equine Professional. Do not be alarmed. The unit is highly trained, technically competent and capable of discussing hoof mechanics while standing in six inches of mud, being rained on and preventing a horse from sitting on a wheelbarrow.

It is, however, not entirely stable. Please read all instructions before use.

1. POWER SUPPLY

The Equine Professional requires food, water and sleep. In practice, the unit will attempt to operate on coffee, half a sandwich, and whatever was left in the bottom of the van.
The unit is rated for rain, wind, heat, cold, mud, dust, snow, and conditions described by the owner as "not too bad, actually." Mud is particularly hazardous. It enters boots, trousers, equipment, vehicles and psychological systems. Once mud has entered the van it cannot be removed. It becomes part of the vehicle.
The professional should also periodically eat, drink, sit down, sleep, stretch and remember that their own body exists. The unit will instead notice that someone else's horse has changed its gait by approximately three millimetres. All maintenance will be cancelled. This is why professional units occasionally make noises when standing up.

2. PRIMARY OPERATING MODE

The professional is designed to look at a horse and notice things. This may involve staring at the horse, walking around the horse, staring at the horse from another angle, saying "Hmm," and then asking a question nobody expected.
Do not interrupt the "Hmm." The unit is thinking. The horse is also thinking. Neither party has any intention of explaining itself.

The professional may also identify the horse before it has been formally introduced — by a particular walk, a particular sound, or the unmistakable posture of an animal about to make a terrible decision. Do not ask how. The information has simply entered the system.

3. USER INPUT

The system requires accurate information. When asked "has anything changed?" the correct response is not "no" followed by "oh, apart from his feed," "and he's moved fields," "and the vet came," "and he's been a bit funny," "and actually he fell over yesterday."
This is known as Sequential Information Release. It is extremely common. It is also extremely irritating.

The professional will now attempt to reconstruct the previous six weeks from fourteen unrelated sentences and one photograph of a poo.

4. STATIONARY HORSE MODE

The professional may request that the horse stand still. The horse is expected to comply. The horse may instead:

– walk backwards
– walk sideways
– lean
– spin
– lift the foot required, put it down, lift another foot
– snort at a blade of grass
– stare into the distance
– suddenly require a substantial amount of urine

The professional will remain calm. This is because the professional has learned that reacting emotionally only encourages the horse. The horse has learned the same thing.

5. HORSE OVERRIDE

The horse may override all normal operating instructions. This can occur without warning. Symptoms include sudden enthusiasm, sudden suspicion, sudden deafness, sudden structural instability, or the discovery that the professional's equipment is edible.

If the owner says "he's never done that before," the unit will record this as routine background noise.

6. OWNER OVERRIDE

The owner may override the shutdown sequence by saying "while you're here…"
This command is extremely powerful. It can reopen equipment that has already been packed, extend appointments indefinitely and summon another horse from an entirely different part of the property.

Do not use this function casually. There is no undo button.

7. THE QUICK QUESTION

"Can I just ask one quick thing?" is not a question. It is a portal.

Once opened, it may lead to feed, grass, supplements, behaviour, lameness, rugs, poo, another horse, and an event which happened in February. The professional may continue answering while physically walking towards the van. This is the equivalent of a laptop shutting down while still displaying the desktop.
The portal also operates remotely. A typical 21:43 message may open with "sorry to bother you," followed by seven photographs of a dark object described as "the bit I'm worried about." The professional will zoom in. There will be no useful information. The professional will zoom in again. There will somehow be less information. The professional will nevertheless formulate a response.

If, mid-portal, an item of equipment is required and cannot be found: do not assist. The professional will check the van, check the toolbox, check the pockets, check the van again, stand completely still, and remember exactly where it is. It will be in their hand.

8. DIAGNOSTIC SAFETY FEATURE

The professional may say "I don't know." This is an important safety mechanism. It prevents the unit from producing an answer simply because the user would prefer one.

Do not attempt to override it with "but what do you think?" The professional has thought. That is why the answer is "I don't know."

The horse will now perform something spectacular. The professional will immediately have to reconsider everything.

9. FINANCIAL SYSTEM

The Equine Professional is powered by payment. Not gratitude. Not exposure. Not "I'll sort you out next week." Payment.

The unit may experience temporary difficulty requesting payment for work already completed. This is a recognised psychological fault. If left untreated, it can progress to "don't worry, just pay me whenever."

Do not allow this to happen. The unit has fuelled a vehicle. The unit has travelled. The unit has carried equipment. The unit has worked. The unit would quite like to buy food.

10. MULTI-HORSE OPERATION

The presence of multiple horses may cause system instability. Horse One will behave perfectly. Horse Two will become extremely interested in Horse One's appointment. Horse Three will begin screaming. Horse Four will escape.

Someone will say "don't worry, he's friendly." The professional will continue working. At some point, a dog will appear carrying something that belongs to the professional. Nobody knows where the dog came from.

11. FALSE COMPLETION

The professional may believe the appointment is finished. This is dangerous.

The following events may occur: the owner remembers something, the horse produces another problem, a gate stops working, someone asks about another horse, the weather changes, or the professional discovers that the equipment they packed is required again.

The unit will unpack everything. Again. This may occur several times.

12. CRITICAL FATIGUE

If the professional begins saying "right…", "okay…", "yep…" with increasing gaps between each word, the system is approaching critical fatigue.

If the professional starts looking at the vehicle, this is serious. If the professional starts putting equipment away without speaking, evacuate the immediate area.

If the professional says "I really need to go" — THE APPOINTMENT IS OVER. This is not an invitation to remember something.

13. CONTAINMENT PROCEDURE

Once the professional reaches the vehicle: do not approach. Do not wave them back. Do not open with "oh, one last thing." Do not produce another horse. Do not point towards a field. Do not say "actually…"

The professional is now in the final stage of shutdown. The vehicle door is closed. The engine is running. The professional is looking straight ahead.

This is a secure containment environment. Maintain a minimum distance of three metres.

14. FINAL WARNING

The Equine Professional is an extraordinary piece of equipment. It can work out what a horse is doing when the horse itself appears uncertain. It can identify problems from a footprint, a posture, a smell, a photograph taken in terrible light, or a sentence beginning "he's been a bit odd."

It can function in weather. It can function without lunch. It can function while covered in mud. It can function while somebody is asking questions. It can even function while the horse is actively attempting to invalidate every known law of physics.

What it cannot do is operate indefinitely. Eventually the unit must be allowed to return to its natural habitat. This is usually somewhere dark. With food. Possibly wine. And absolutely no horses.

If you have reached this point and are currently thinking "actually, before you go…" — do not.
You have been warned. The professional is already reversing out of the yard. Let the vehicle leave. Let the human escape. Save the question for next time.

06/08/2026

INTERNAL MEMO

To: Horse #4721
From: Equine Head Office
Department: Behavioural Inconsistencies & Human Management

Good morning. Following yesterday's review, we'd like to congratulate you on another successful day of creating completely avoidable complications. Please find today's objectives below.

08:57 — Human arrives. Allow capture. Resistance at this stage is inefficient. Save your best work for when they're physically committed.

09:12 — Human picks up first foot. Excellent. We're building confidence. Confidence is easier to destroy than create.

09:18 — By now the human has identified a reasonably comfortable position. This is a compliance issue. Please move exactly one hoof. Not enough to require a full reset. Just enough to transfer the entire weight of your leg directly into one lumbar disc. Precision is everything.

09:21 — Horsefly lands on shoulder. Reminder: the objective is not to remove the horsefly. The objective is to convince the human you're being attacked by seventeen helicopters. Please commit.

09:27 — Human drops rasp. Everyone remain calm. Do not stand on it. We've had complaints. Simply position yourself so recovery requires a movement not currently recognised by human anatomy.

09:34 — Human attempts to stand. Silence all unnecessary movement. This is an important cultural moment. The sound they make is sacred. New staff should observe respectfully.

09:39 — Human says, "Nearly finished." This statement has failed quality assurance every year since records began. Ignore it.

09:42 — Owner says, "He's been so good today." This comment has been escalated. Immediate corrective action required. Suggestions include: looking intensely at absolutely nothing, moving one foot half an inch, sneezing directly into the human's ear, becoming inexplicably fascinated by the gate. Choose whichever feels least helpful.

09:48 — Human places tools neatly together. Absolutely not. Scatter the workflow. We have standards.

09:53 — Walk away completely sound. After approximately twelve metres, stop, look back, and behave as though you've never met these people before in your life. Psychological warfare remains one of our core values.

Before we close, a reminder that all horses are expected to uphold the company's founding principles: every bucket is suspicious until proven otherwise. Standing still is acceptable only as a surprise tactic. The human must never be allowed to believe they are in charge. If they finally find shade, leave it. If they find balance, remove it. If they think they've understood you, change the brief. Immediately.

Thank you for your continued professionalism. Without your dedication, hoof care professionals might begin experiencing job satisfaction. The Board remains firmly opposed to this outcome.

Please destroy this memo by eating it. If unavailable, eat the human's hat instead.

19/07/2026

30/05/2026

Thoughts?

30/05/2026

TUESDAY: A HEATWAVE RECONSTRUCTION
Or: What Happened To The Schedule.

It started as a normal Tuesday.

This is how Tuesday infiltrates the profession.

Tuesday never arrives visibly armed. Tuesday arrives disguised as a manageable workload and a weather forecast containing lies.

The schedule existed. The schedule had structure. The structure had been assembled the previous evening by somebody indoors, hydrated, and temporarily disconnected from reality.

Tuesday reviewed the schedule overnight like a prison governor reading a failed escape attempt.

09:43

The first yard.

The horse is not in.

The horse was in last night. The horse was definitely in at 09:12. The horse is now standing in the furthest available section of the property with the calm emotional detachment of a divorced sea captain watching weather move across the Atlantic.

Nobody fully understands how the horse accessed this field.

The fencing appears intact.

The horse appears spiritually elsewhere.

It is already hot.

Not pleasant heat. Not summer heat. Agricultural heat. The kind of heat that rises simultaneously from:

– concrete

– gates

– rubber matting

– your own internal organs

and gives the entire morning the atmosphere of livestock being slow-roasted by local government.

You wait.

The owner walks into the field carrying a headcollar and optimism.

The horse watches this happen.

The horse then relocates another two hundred metres away at walking pace. Not running. Running would imply panic. This is administrative non-compliance.

10:04

The horse arrives.

The handler says: "He's been SO chilled recently."

Every professional immediately recognises this as pre-incident dialogue. It belongs to the same linguistic family as:

– "it'll only take five minutes"

– "he never kicks"

– and "nothing else can possibly go wrong today"

You pick up the first foot.

The flies arrive.

Not flies individually. Not insects. An organised airborne civilisation operating under unified command structure.

The flies have objectives. The flies have morale. The flies have apparently received government funding.

The horse responds instantly by redistributing its skeleton into several new positions unavailable in standard anatomy textbooks.

You adjust. The handler adjusts. The horse escalates.

The flies continue their work with the grim professionalism of debt recovery agents.

10:17

Sweat is now entering your eyes continuously.

Your shirt has stopped functioning as clothing and become a wet political opinion attached to your spine.

The handler is helping.

The helping involves:

– standing extremely close

– moving unpredictably

– tightening the leadrope during moments requiring balance

– and providing live emotional analysis of the horse like a sports commentator trapped in a hostage situation

"He's irritated by the flies."

Yes.

The flies are now the dominant political force on the yard. Everybody is aware of the flies. The flies are running operations.

The horse moves left. The handler follows the horse. You follow the handler following the horse.

The three of you are now arranged in a geometric formation that would require diagramming during insurance proceedings.

10:39

The horse stands still briefly.

Nobody breathes.

You experience the concentrated focus of somebody trying to complete an entire trim before reality notices and intervenes.

A pheasant coughs somewhere in western Europe.

The horse departs psychologically. The body follows shortly afterwards.

11:12

The second yard.

The second yard called while you were still participating in aerial insect warfare at the first yard.

There has been an injury.

The owner says: "I genuinely don't know how he's done it."

This sentence accompanies approximately all horse injuries because horses routinely sustain significant damage inside environments containing:

– grass

– air

– and their own decision-making

The field is flat.

The field has been flat for fourteen consecutive years without incident.

Today the field has apparently developed combat capabilities.

The horse is standing quietly beside the gate looking mildly surprised to possess a leg at all.

11:34

You look at the leg.

The leg has a situation.

The owner has already Googled the situation.

The owner is now psychologically oscillating between:

– "probably just swollen"

– and "we may need to prepare him emotionally for retirement in Portugal"

You begin the careful professional process of redirecting internet medicine away from complete societal collapse.

You call the vet.

The vet says: "I'll be there as soon as I can."

Every equine professional understands this translates roughly to: "Time has detached from linear meaning."

12:16

It is now catastrophically hot.

The water in your vehicle has achieved the thermal profile of soup abandoned beside a radiator.

You drink it anyway because your kidneys are beginning to send messages written in legal language.

Lunch is a sandwich that was technically edible at 07:15 and is now a warm philosophical substance folded into damp packaging.

Your phone vibrates.

The handler from Yard One.

"He seems absolutely fine now lol."

Of course he does.

The flies are presumably opening regional offices.

12:47

The third yard.

The third yard has also experienced a Tuesday.

Every yard has a Tuesday. This one has been accumulating momentum since approximately Easter.

The horse is wet.

Nobody knows why the horse is wet. The water trough is damaged in ways suggesting violence occurred but nobody is cooperating with investigators.

The horse is standing beside the wreckage with the expression of a politician arriving at the scene of their own scandal.

You pick up the foot.

The foot is hot. The horse is hot. The yard is hot. You are no longer experiencing heat physically. You are experiencing heat spiritually.

A fly lands directly on your eyelid.

You do not react.

You have crossed into a psychological territory normally reached only by desert monks and offshore oil workers.

13:53

Somebody says: "While you're here…"

The four most financially and emotionally dangerous words in the English language.

Another horse appears.

Nobody mentioned this horse previously because the horse exists in the owner's mind as "basically done already."

The horse walks toward you slowly from distant fog like a war veteran approaching a tribunal.

You look at the feet.

The feet look back.

These feet have seen governments rise and fall. These feet contain layers. Archaeological layers. There are hoof rings corresponding to historical events. One crack appears to predate indoor plumbing.

You briefly leave your body.

14:41

You are now functioning entirely on:

– caffeine

– professionalism

– electrolyte imbalance

– anti-inflammatory medication

– and the fading ancestral memory that you once enjoyed horses recreationally

Your spine has become theoretical.

Your hamstrings are now managed collectively by spite.

A child asks: "Do horses have knees?"

You answer sincerely because children deserve honesty and because somewhere underneath the dehydration and insect exposure you are still technically a healthcare professional.

16:23

You sit briefly inside the vehicle.

The vehicle has been parked facing south since morning and now contains environmental conditions suitable for kiln-drying pottery.

You close the door.

This is immediately identified as a tactical error.

The air inside the vehicle feels negotiable only through the United Nations.

You sit motionless holding warm water and staring into the middle distance while your nervous system reboots itself like compromised farm machinery.

Your next appointment is in nineteen minutes.

The horse will not be in.

You know this already. You know it with the deep migratory certainty of birds fleeing atmospheric disaster.

FINAL NOTE

Tuesday resolved.

Tuesday always resolves eventually in the same way shipwrecks eventually become museum exhibits.

The feet got done.

The vet arrived.

The injury was manageable.

The handler learned something that will require three additional Tuesdays to fully integrate.

The flies remained operational throughout.

The horse in the flat field is fine.

The field itself has refused all requests for comment.

You will return next Tuesday.

The schedule already exists.

Tuesday has already read it carefully.

Tuesday is waiting patiently in a darkened room like a senior investigator reviewing evidence.

14/05/2026

A viral post is telling owners that toe length doesn’t matter for laminitic horses, and that the vets and farriers recommending you take the toe back are wrong. The published research, the r…

29/03/2026

🍂🍀Autumn Grass = Laminitis Risk 🍀🍂

I’m definitely not complaining about the rain, it’s been so welcome …but for certain horses, these conditions can come with a downside. 🌧️

I’m seeing a noticeable increase in laminitis cases in horses and ponies at the moment, which often coincides with the autumn grass flush. 🌱

Even though pasture growth isn’t as rapid as in spring, these conditions can still result in high sugar levels, which may trigger laminitis; particularly in horses with underlying conditions such as:
🚨Equine Metabolic Syndrome (EMS)
🚨 PPID (Cushing’s disease)

Many of the horses affected tend to be:
🐴Good doers / overweight
🐴Previously laminitic
🐴 Older (and therefore at higher risk of PPID)

👉 A reminder: Autumn is the best time of year to test for PPID (Cushing’s disease). Early diagnosis and appropriate management can make a significant difference in preventing painful laminitis episodes.

If your horse may be at risk, now is a great time to:
🪣Review diet and grazing access
🧪Consider testing for metabolic conditions
🐎Put preventative strategies in place

Feel free to get in touch if you’d like to organise testing, or book an appointment to chat about your horse’s individual risk. 💉🩺👩‍⚕️

– Heidi 🌸

03/03/2026

Facebook tells me I haven’t posted in a while so I figured I’d share some random thoughts on a rainy Tuesday evening.

This rain is definitely well needed but as always will bring its share of issues.

Short stressed grass will be an issue for the laminitis prone horses.
Flatweed seems to be quicker to grow than grass leading to a rise in string halt cases.
Wet paddocks often means greasy heel.

This is also the perfect conditions for the hooves to shed excess sole and frog.

As always be alert but not alarmed. Enjoy the rain while it falls. Keep an eye on your equines and call me or your favourite vet if you have any concerns.

09/02/2026

If you’re retraining an OTTB and sometimes wonder whether you’re doing things right, this clinic is for you.

Across two calm, practical days, we’ll cover understanding your horse, reading what they’re telling you, and building thoughtful foundations for retraining, without pressure or rushing outcomes.

Riding spots and fence-sitter places available.
One or both days can be booked.

Located Tarago NSW

Find out more and book here:
https://www.pineviewequestrian.com.au/ottb-retraining-clinic

15/01/2026

DONKEYS & SHETLANDS: A CONTROLLED DETONATION OF YOUR PROFESSIONAL IDENTITY

(An account of how confidence dies screaming under 11hh.)

There are horses that challenge your technique.
There are horses that challenge your patience.
And then there are donkeys and Shetlands, whose sole ecological role is to dismantle the concept of authority and scatter it across the paddock like chaff.
These animals are not difficult.
They are not misunderstood.
They are not "testing boundaries."
They are fully aware of what you want, why you want it, and exactly how long you've been doing this – and they have decided, collectively, that today you will be humbled for sport.

THE DONKEY: WEAPONISED INACTION

A donkey does not say no.
A donkey does not refuse.
A donkey simply… doesn't.
You ask.
It exists.
You reposition.
It continues existing.
You soften your voice into something that sounds like you're apologising to a cupboard.
The donkey blinks. Slowly.
Not lazily.
Knowingly.
This blink says:
I understand your request.
I have chosen a different timeline.
You wait.
Your thighs tremble.
Your brain starts making wild leaps:

– maybe it's thinking

– maybe it needs reassurance

– maybe this is actually about you

Time becomes a theory.
Eventually – miraculously – the donkey lifts a foot.
Barely.
Just enough for dopamine to spark.
Your soul leaves your body.
Your ancestors lean in.
The foot returns to the ground.
Not abruptly.
Not dramatically.
With the quiet finality of a door closing on a chapter of your life.
The donkey has concluded this meeting.

THE SHETLAND: PSYCHOLOGICAL WARFARE IN A FURRY BODY

A Shetland does not resist.
A Shetland curates your downfall.
It stands perfectly.
Square.
Balanced.
You feel hope.
You absolute fool.
As you bend, the Shetland shifts – not away, not badly – just enough to re-angle your spine into something unholy.
You adjust.
It adjusts more accurately.
You compensate.
It compensates better.
By minute eight you are trimming in a position that violates several international labour laws.
Your knees burn.
Your lower back files a grievance.
Your neck has left the chat.
The Shetland sighs.
Not tired.
Satisfied.
It has never put a foot wrong.
You, meanwhile, are sweating through layers you don't remember putting on.

THE NATIVE PONY: ANCIENT STILLNESS AS A THREAT

Old ponies don't argue.
They wait.
They lower their head.
They lock every joint.

They enter a calm so deep it predates language.
You are now holding a limb attached to an animal that remembers:

– wooden carts

– coal dust

– three farriers ago

Your hands tingle.
Your vision narrows.
Your spine produces a sound that suggests paperwork.
The pony does not move.
This is not stubbornness.
This is historical patience.
It knows something you don't.
Specifically:
that you will give up.
And you do.

WHAT NO COURSE EVER WARNED YOU ABOUT

These animals do not care:

– how qualified you are

– how confident you feel

– how calm your tone is

They are immune to branding.
They punish certainty.
They feed on your internal monologue.
They exist to remove everything unnecessary until all that's left is: balance, timing, humility, and the ability to finish a trim while quietly dissociating.
They don't want to hurt you.
They just want to recalibrate you.

THE FINAL TRUTH YOU CAN'T UNLEARN

If you have never:

– been outsmarted by something under knee height

– lost circulation while a donkey stared at the horizon

– completed a trim sideways while bargaining with the universe

Then you do not yet understand this job.
Because these animals are not problems.
They are filters.
They separate confidence from competence.
Ego from awareness.
People who "know" from people who endure.
They do not pass you when you succeed.
They pass you when you stop trying to win.

Postscript:
The donkey is now lying down.
The Shetland has re-positioned itself by a fraction you cannot measure.
The pony has closed its eyes.
You have aged.
Not visibly.
But internally.
You will be here for a while.