http://www.greyrockconsulting.com.au/

Grey Rock Consulting, Sydney (2026)

24/04/2025

A narcissistic smear campaign is a manipulative tactic to harm your reputation and isolate you from your support network. Through lies, exaggerations, and false accusations, they seek to discredit you, often as an act of revenge or to regain control after the relationship ends. It is calculated, persistent, and aimed at painting the narcissist as the victim while vilifying you.
It is awful to be on the end of one of their smear campaigns and they do it in all arenas - work, family, friends and of course, in intimate relationships.

Why do they do it?

- To protect their image
- To maintain control
- To appear like the victim
- To get revenge
- To win

As you well know, they must maintain the facade that they have created and now that you have seen through it, you are a huge threat. So they will do what they can to preserve their false persona and everything to discredit your true self. This is not easy to navigate at all.

What smear campaigns has the narcissist run against you? Let me know in the comments.

What can you do? As much as you want to fight back, scream, convince everyone of who you are, this can all backfire and make you look defensive, or even guilty yourself. Remember, if someone readily believes the narcissists lies about you, well they were never your true friend in the first place. As usual, the key to dealing with a narcissist is to deprive them of narcissistic supply, so as hard as it is, try not to give air to their tactics. Pick your battles, there are things they say that must be responded to, but there is a whole pile of rubbish designed to get a reaction from you, that you should ignore. Stay true to you, you know who you are. And make sure you get good support for you in all of this.

23/04/2025

It really grinds my gears when I hear anyone starting a sentence with “You’re too...”. The language is defensive and accusatory and is never going to help close gaps or mend bridges. But we are in the arena of narcissists, and that is never their goal.

A narcissist cannot comprehend vulnerability, emotional intimacy, feelings and empathy, and instead of admitting this (God forbid!!), they project their inadequacies onto you. Well, they know these things are important to people, but they aren’t capable of them, or of loving you in the way you should be loved, and they cannot under any circumstances reflect on their words and actions. So instead, they deflect, gaslight and blame you.

Please believe me when I say this:

You weren’t “too emotional”, you were attempting to reconnect with the person you thought you knew, only to be met with a person you don’t recognise who continued to dismiss you and your feelings.

You weren’t “too sensitive”, you were attempting to express your hope and desire for a healthy relationship, only for them to blame you for their actions and your reactions, because they were never capable of a healthy relationship.

You weren’t “too much”, you were attempting to express your needs and have some boundaries, only for them to blame you for being difficult, needy, and paranoid.

You are not too much. You will never be too much for healthy and emotionally secure people.

I suspect you have heard all of these, more than once! How did the narcissist make you feel like you were too much? Do you still feel that way? Let me know in the comments.

17/04/2025

The cheating narcissist: Why do they do it?

Narcissists may cheat on their partners due to a combination of factors, including a constant need for “narcissistic supply”, a desire to maintain a sense of control and dominance, and a lack of empathy or remorse. They may also seek thrills and excitement outside the relationship, or use cheating as a way to make their partner jealous or feel unworthy, further solidifying their sense of superiority.

It is a very different set of rules however for you. You can imagine their reaction to being cheated on, or even their paranoia about being cheated on.

Let’s take a closer look at why they do it:
- Narcissistic supply
- Control and dominance
- Lack of empathy and remorse
- Seeking thrills to avoid their lack of self
- Using cheating as a manipulative tactic
- Sense of entitlement
- Discard

No matter the ‘reason’, this is hurtful and painful. You did not deserve it. What excuses did you get for their cheating?

11/04/2025

Unlike a narcissist, you have the ability to use your words wisely. You get to choose your timing and delivery, for when it suits YOU, not them. You choose good over harm, and you choose to end something before it escalates.

Phrases to disarm a narcissist are so important. This is not about getting them to agree with you, it is about allaying the hostility, taking away their weapons. Their words are meant to trigger, manipulate and control you, they want you in the quicksand and before you know it, you are sinking.

Phrases designed to disarm the narcissist stop this. It keeps you above ground and brings the temperature of your communications down.

Here are 3 phrases to disarm the narcissist you may not have heard of:

1//: “I hear what you are saying”
They are right at all times, and you are always wrong. Your communications will quickly descend when you try to prove otherwise. This phrase is not agreeing with them, but it brings the temperature of the conversation down and allows you to then express your view.

2//: ”I can understand how you feel, but I feel differently”
You don’t need to try to prove who is right or wrong. You can feel and see a situation differently and that’s fine. Trying to prove your point will give them more ammunition to use against you.

3//: “Thanks for letting me know your thoughts, I’ll consider them”
They love giving their advice on things that aren’t their business or on day-to-day parenting matters that you never asked their opinion on. This phrase stops any argument in its tracks, stops the back and forth, and it is not agreement to what they are saying.

Our natural response to conflict is to resolve and move forward. But unfortunately your most admirable traits are used against you when dealing with a narcissistic personality. So you need to press pause, and remember who you are communicating with.

Have you used disarming phrases before? Please comment below! I’d love to hear the phrases you have used.

08/04/2025

I thought this one may be a little bit of interesting information for you!

Anyone who knows me knows I love learning new things, discovering handy tidbits, and reading up on all sorts of things. So here is a handy tidbit for you - the method behind being a ‘grey rock’ is rooted in the concept of ‘extinction’ in behavioural psychology theory. No, I am not talking about reducing the narcissist population to zero, although a worthy cause, but ‘extinction’ in this context means where a behaviour decreases in frequency and intensity when it doesn’t have the desired effect.

They also have a term for when the narcissist’s behaviour gets worse when you implement boundaries, it is called an ‘extinction burst’. So as a behaviour fades, there is a burst of excessive responding. In other words, their behaviour often gets worse before it gets better.

It is important during an extinction burst to not reward, validate or reinforce their behaviour, otherwise it will not fade. I hear you say but how do I do this Mia? That is what I am here for so please reach out!

07/04/2025

Much like a “Grey Rock’’, a “Yellow Rock” allows us to maintain our boundaries, but at the same time show who we really are.

Whilst Grey Rock is the recommended way to communicate with a narcissist, if you have to ‘co-parent’ and are in the Family Court, or may be in it, then Grey Rock may come across as unresponsive and uncooperative. Remember, the Court does not know either of you.

The Yellow Rock, coined by Tina Swithin, allows you to maintain your boundaries but it adds an air of courtesy to your communications. Think of how you would communicate at work, professional, courteous and unemotional. So the Yellow Rock allows you to show the Court who you really are whilst maintaining your boundaries.

So what does the Yellow Rock sound like? Here are some examples:

- “I want to understand your position but I sense you’re angry right now. Let’s revisit this later when things deescalate.”
- “I’m sorry you feel that way, but let’s keep our communication focussed on the children.”
- “I think we may need to agree to disagree on this topic for now.”
- “I look forward to getting to a point in our co-parenting relationship where we can negotiate things like this. For the time being, I will be following our Court Orders.”
- “I do not feel your misrepresentations warrant a response and it seems the purpose of your email is to increase conflict, so I will not be responding further and I disagree with your assertions.”

The terrible tragedy of this situation is, why should you have to be courteous to your abuser? Not only have you lived through their abuse, and taken the massive steps to heal and recover, but now you are needing to use your precious energy being a Yellow Rock. If you can remember this is not about being nice to the narcissist and is about more than communication, it is about you showing who you truly are and ensuring you are not painted in the wrong light before the Family Court.

This is one step on a road that you’d rather not be travelling down, but there is light at the end of this journey. Keep going, and remember, you hold the power.

03/04/2025

Imagine being accused of something that never happened…and then having to track down proof that it never did. I bet you don’t need to imagine, as that’s exactly one of the narcissist’s tactics when they battle you for custody.

Any separation when children are involved is one of the most challenging and emotionally wrought times for parents, but add a narcissist and Court into the mix, and you’ve got yourself a world of provocation and turmoil.

Here are some of the behaviours you can expect of a narcissist when they battle you for custody:

🚩 Manipulation: To portray themselves in a favorable light.
🚩 Gaslighting: To make you question your memory and undermine your credibility.
🚩 Empathy: To ‘appear’ like they care about your children’s best interests.
🚩 Victim: They reverse victim and offender to portray you as the problem.
🚩 Exaggeration of victimhood: After making you the problem, they then tell a story about how they just love their kids and are doing the best for them.
🚩 Charm and charisma: To present as likable to win favour with the Court. But the mask always drops...
🚩 Aggressive or erratic behaviour: When something doesn’t go their way, watch that mask fall and their true colours displayed for all to see.
🚩 Using the children as pawns: One of their most insidious and damaging behaviours. They manipulate the children and they use the children to manipulate you emotionally.
🚩 Control: To control the narrative to dictate how things are going to go, both in and out of court.
🚩 Disregarding court orders: They will do it if it serves them, always enforce them for you and then claim to the Court you are the one not complying.

What do you do?

Document interactions, keep your communications concise and focused on the children, set boundaries, have a plan, look after you and have a solid support team. I can help you if you are navigating this scenario so please reach out!

02/04/2025

When success arrives in our lives, in any form, it’s a wonderful feeling knowing the special people in our lives are cheering us on and celebrate us.

But I bet that hasn’t been your experience with the narcissist? When they observe you receiving accolades, gaining recognition or enjoying success, enter “The Narcissistic saboteur”.

Here are 5 signs of the Narcissistic Saboteur:

1: Sarcasm: You may encounter sly jokes or comments about your “newfound fame and fortune”. They try to pass it off as ‘being funny’ but really, they’re enraged by the spotlight being on you.
2: Gaslighting your ambition: You may have a career goal, a new idea or a project you want to be involved in. They are epic at creating confusion and gaslighting, so on the one hand, they will encourage you but on the other, underhandedly raise doubts, issues or question your ability.
3: Gatecrashes your big work event: You’ve just finished the presentation of your life, you feel so happy and relieved! No sooner are you reaching for a big hug when they decide now is the time to bring up that argument from last week!
4: Smiles through gritted teeth: You share how you landed a new client or you’ve been invited to a media interview for your newly launched business. Sure, they may feign happiness but deep down, you know they’re not really that happy for you at all, despite the ‘smile’.
5: You hide your wins: With past experiences of jealousy, resurrecting old arguments and sabotaging behaviour, now you rarely mention your successes in fear of their reaction and it just isn’t worth dealing with the fall out.

Downplaying your success is a massive red flag. A person who loves you, will genuinely want to see you happy and supported.

31/03/2025

Stonewalling: When narcissists use silence to punish!

Taking time-out from a partner during or after an argument is actually a healthy pause for both people to let the emotions pass and to regain clarity and calm. Typically, after a few hours, both people are ready to come back together and discuss the issues at hand with empathy, compassion and mutual respect.

Stonewalling, on the other hand, is an entirely different beast in the arms of a narcissist. Stonewalling is a refusal to communicate and deliberately avoiding providing any information or response, which shuts down any conversation or interaction. Narcissists use it to exert control, avoid accountability or manipulate. They completely shut down and leave you feeling unheard and invalidated. They can use it during your relationship and after it ends.

Some of the common signs a narcissist is stonewalling you:
- Use the silent treatment to put you in your place
- Give you the cold shoulder for days or weeks at a time
- Refuse to talk, make eye contact, answer calls, or respond to texts
- Fall back on the silent treatment when things don’t go their way
- Use it as a way to avoid taking responsibility for bad behavior
- When they finally talk, they blame or gaslight you for it
- Require you to apologise or give in to demands just so they will talk to you
- Refuse to acknowledge you until you grovel and plead

So how can you respond to a narcissist’s silent treatment? A natural reaction is to chase, explain yourself or beg them to respond. But this just feeds them and reinforces that this tactic works. Instead, step away and take the time to cool off and gather your thoughts.

This is not someone you can talk to about their actions and how it makes you feel. Boundaries are important as always, getting the right support and doing things for you. You cannot change their behaviour, but you can control your response and protect your emotional well-being.

Trust me, a life with a narcissist without boundaries is only going to end in your pain.

25/03/2025

As a person dedicated to helping all of you understand and improve your communications with a narcissist, I thought this scenario may sound familiar.
A client recently set out their rules for their child for the new phone their ex bought them. The response was fascinating - her ex outlined his rules for the new phone, which were the same as hers, and demanded she confirm she will apply his rules!

Everything in you wants to react, but don’t take the bait, don’t show frustration and don’t point out they are in fact the rules you outlined. Why? You won’t get anywhere, they’ll get narcissistic supply and the key here really is your child’s safe usage of a new phone. You are on the same page, that’s all that matters.

So what is mirroring and why does the narcissist do it? Mirroring is the process where individuals mimic the behaviours and body language of others during social interactions to establish rapport and build connection. It is a natural part of human interaction; it allows us to learn, empathize, and build strong connections. Intent is key however. Healthy mirroring is done to genuinely relate to others, but for narcissists, it serves a darker purpose. It is a manipulation tactic to control and exploit and they mimic to gain trust, admiration and control.

Why would they do it to you? Make sure you swipe through the post to see my list of reasons.

Your reply? Remember the priority here is your child’s safe usage of a new phone, so who cares about proving they are copying you, the email speaks for itself, all you need to say is:
“Thank you for your response. Further to my email below, I am pleased we are in agreement on the rules for our child’s phone usage.”

Praise yourself for your parenting, while they can praise themselves in their own mirror.

Let me know in the comments the examples of mirroring you have experienced.

If you need support on how to draft, decipher and respond to a narcissist, please reach out and keep an eye out for my emails on-demand subscription coming soon!

19/03/2025

I guarantee that the numerous negative thoughts and questions that go through your mind after leaving a narcissistically abusive relationship have also gone through the minds of so many others. Whilst the topic of narcissism is popping up more and more on search engines and social media feeds with (mostly) helpful information and much needed guidance for those navigating a narcissist, logically understanding this is different to untangling the emotional warfare that occurs within you.

Some have described narcissistic abuse as like trying to pick up every single bit of a broken glass with your hands, it takes time to pick up all the pieces and you get cuts along the way. There will even be tiny slivers that you cannot see but will later step on and it hurts!

A narcissist’s intent is to be subtle with their emotional weaponry because being seen as the “bad guy” is not an option. They ingrain their behaviour into every facet of your life and the sad part, you don’t see it happening until it has gone so far and so deep. The damage is most likely done well before you realise you’re in the hands of a narcissistic abuser.

So I have given you some examples of the thoughts showing how a victim will carry the burden of guilt, regret and remorse, before calling out their abuser, and trust me, I could list many more. This is why narcissistic abuse is so damaging to overcome, because every ounce of reality, belief, intuition and self-care was seen as a hindrance and diminished.

You can thrive with the right support and self-work to detangle and unwind the emotional and psychological impacts of their behaviours. This is not, and was not, your fault. You are not stupid for not seeing it, they did everything in their power to disguise it.

Trust that you are so much more than the narcissist ever wanted you to believe and you will come to see it in your life.

17/03/2025

Have you noticed there are certain types of texts the narcissist just LOVES to send?

Here are 3 types that the narcissist has absolutely mastered:

🤗 The “me, me, me” message:
The narcissist LOVES sending texts that are all about them or how good they are. Yes, they still do this after separating and in amongst all of the abusive messages they send you. For example, they will text about an accolade your child has received and say that it is because of all the time/effort/training the narcissist has been putting in with the child.

⚖️ Text after text after text:
If you don’t answer them immediately, cue their entitlement and watch the flurry of texts starting with ‘Hello?’ and ‘Can you respond, I need an answer’. The texts get worse as paranoia joins the narcissist’s indignation and they may also call you 10 times in a row. All of this without considering that perhaps you’re just busy or that their message isn’t urgent at all.

❤️‍🔥 The “let’s interrupt your social life” text:
Do you notice that when the kids are with the narcissist, they message you more? Or they’ll text late on a Friday night, for example, with a question that didn’t need to be asked? When you don’t have the kids, they don’t like that they don’t know what you’re up to or who you’re with, so they send a text to be at the forefront of your mind and interrupt your night!

Do you have any similar examples? What other ‘types’ of texts do you receive? Let me know in the comments.

Sidenote: I will make this a regular feature on the grid, because nutting out communication with a narcissist is at the very core of Grey Rock Consulting.

Grey Rock Consulting

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