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We review pens, Lower Ground Floor, 27 Hunter St, Sydney (2026)

02/08/2017

Dearest supporters, the last few days have been very tough on our leading pen experts. What they once thought to be a simple case of old age, has turned far more sinister. Autopsy confirmed that Percy was in fact murdered by none other than Slyvester, the family cat. Not to worry, he has been since been dealt with. The next week will undeniably be tough as they attempt to come to terms with this. Your patience and understanding is appreciated in such a time of mourning.

01/08/2017

The Bic Atlantis is wonderful, however, Bic's entry into the highly competitive market of retractable pens is much like turning up to the Olympic 100m sprint and not being Jamaican: it's great that you've made it that far, but there's no hope of coming out on top.

To Bic's credit though, the ink distribution is superbly managed as it provides that free-flowing feel without the ink coming out uncontrollably. It is a restricted flow, unlike the unfortunate aftermath of a dodgy vindaloo. Another great aspect of the Atlantis is the curved shape that sits in your hand with perfect balance, adding a touch of comfort to the experience.

Bic have also ensured that the pen stays attached to your hand, with an improved grip. The grip is now as sticky as a teenage boy's hand with unlimited internet access. Although, much like the teenager, prolonged use can lead to hand cramps. Writing with the Atlantis for over an hour and a half becomes exceedingly painful, as if life could get any worse in the depths of Mod C.

Unfortunately, despite the pen's exceptional qualities that make us believe that this is Bic's best effort to date, there are some unfortunate downsides. If you're interested in style and fashion when it comes to stationery, look elsewhere. The unconvincing silver lettering on the shaft of the pen is as stylish as turning up to a formal wearing a floral suit from Lowes.

Also, despite the apparently faultless ink flow of the Atlantis, after that 1.5 hour mark it starts to run dry. This means you need to write with more force, which only exacerbates your hand cramp. This is even worse than that one person who walks out of an exam room saying "That was the easiest thing ever bro" when you guessed half of the multiple choice.

Overall, a good pen for short-term use but some issues that Bic need to work on.

7/10

31/07/2017

To our loyal subscribers, it is with great sadness that we announce that there will be no review tonight. Our experts are unfortunately unable to concentrate with the passing of their loyal and most trusted goldfish. Vale Percy. However, stay tuned for a review of a Bic classic tomorrow as the normal schedule resumes at 6:25pm.

30/07/2017

The two tone Parker Jotter might just be the best pen in the history of pens, maybe ever. This All-American is smart, compact, and with all the style of a luxury pen for a fraction of the cost. In short, its like me, but exactly the opposite.

The Parker Jotter is the ideal choice for the pseudo-intellectual boy or girl trying to impress an exact copy of themselves but of the other gender, or the same gender, whatever you're into. This pen is perfect for writing out a fancy maths proof or French love sonnet on a napkin at an upcoming prefect afternoon tea, and is bound to catch the eye of the intellectual partner you deserve.

The sleek, Bauhaus design is simply timeless and, at only $28.25, compared to similar models twice or three times the price, is perfect for those wanting to appear just as rich as their friends. What's more, at this price, ordering the Jotter online won't send an email to daddy telling him you've spent even more of his hard earned money.

To the downsides now, in stark contrast to its American creators, this pen is extremely thin and lightweight, giving it a sort of 2012 Lindsay Lohan feel. Furthermore, the words that come out of this pen lack any substance, cutting out frequently. However, the shade of the ink is quite nice to look at, giving my essay the appearance of the technicolour crap reserved only for Hospitality or Legal Studies notes.

Overall, I must admit this pen carries out its purpose to perfection, an ideal option for those looking for affordable luxury, like buying a fake Rolex from a Vietnamese street vendor. I am impressed by the Jotter, and look forward to bringing you more luxury pieces as part of our Sunday High Market Pen Review series.

8/10

30/07/2017

Today marks the start of our Sunday High Market Pen Review series, as our experts take a look at the sort of pens that capture the spirit of pens that say "My daddy is a lawyer". First post at 7:00 pm. Stay tuned.

29/07/2017

The Bic 4 Colour Medium Retractable Ballpoint Pen is a showcase of Bic's practical mentality: unlike the dodgy ads claim on certain internet sites, these do actually make you last four times longer than usual.

When we were asked to do a multi-coloured foursome, I was confused, and perhaps a tiny bit excited. Upon finding out that they were actually asking us to review this classic Bic, I was relieved: I never like disappointing three other people at once. This pen is fantastically practical, as an extra three loads of ink ensures true durability. It allows for more room in your pencil case by combining blue, red, and black pens in one. The addition of green is an interesting choice, but fundamentally undermines the practicality of this pen. Despite this, I myself can identify strongly with the humble green ink. The only reason I stand out is because I'm surrounded by people who are better than me in every way. Similarly, writing in green may separate you from the pack, but only in the same way of the white kid in 4 unit maths class.

As the pen itself proclaims, this Bic was made in France. This means that they are sometimes prone to giving up after just 2 weeks, which is not a desirable quality but a nice sample of French culture nonetheless. The ink flow is also superbly managed, as it flows from the nib effortlessly but sustainably.

However, the pen's undeniably ph***ic shape makes it about as fashionable as a Bintang singlet. Indeed, the extra girth makes it about twice as wide as a regular pen. Sticking to the theme, this makes the writing experience uncomfortable as your regular grip must expand to accommodate it. Despite it being surprisingly light, the poor weight distribution slows down your writing speed, like being stuck behind an L plater travelling 20km/h under the limit on the way to the snow, or actually driving under 40 in a school zone.

Despite its unique qualities, compared to the cheaper Bic options, it is not entirely worth the novelty.

5.5/10

28/07/2017

Mum always said that I have a face for radio, and the Artline 200 Fine 0.4 is no different. On the outside it might not look that attractive, but just as you told your mates after last Saturday night, it's what's on the inside that counts.

The uniquely elongated nib, a felt tip, distributes the ink to perfection, not leaving the inky trail like its Mitsubishi rival. What's more, the new grip's complex ribbed plastic technology is designed to increase stimulation. Artline have made this vast improvement on their previous models, correcting their previous mistakes. Maybe this means I should start reading the markers' comments on my discovery essays.

Artline have also perfected the weight distribution, making the 200 surprisingly lightweight. It's like that one friend who acts like a hard drinker but is slurring their speech halfway through their second pear cider. Shachihata also boldly claim to have implemented "blur-free technology". While this reduces the smudging, it adds a bit of scratchiness to the writing quality.

This, unfortunately, brings us to the downsides. Firstly, the pen is about as stylish as a tinder chat-up line is romantic. Also, my father uses this pen, so every time I look at it I'm reminded of the fresh ways I manage to disappoint him. And, as is often the case of pens with flowing ink, it shows through on both sides of the paper.

This pen left me slightly underwhelmed, so now I know how my dad feels. Regardless, the magic of this pen has not gone anywhere, and at $3 a piece I think they are more than a match for their comparatively-priced competitors.

8.5/10

27/07/2017

The Papermate InkJoy is, like the fan who suggested it, an interesting ride according to some sources. I Woods definitely recommend it as a lovely first pen.

A point worthy of note for the InkJoy is its triangular shape. Whilst I can appreciate the honest intention from PaperMate to improve my shocking pen grip, it only served to further expose my inadequacies as a human being like no pen should. The ink flow is great, moving the nib across the page requires less effort than I allocate towards pretending to like my family. While the pen is about as stylish as socks and sandals, the writing quality more than makes up for it.

These pens probably last as long as your bike did when you left it in Bankstown. Not to worry, $4 for a ten pack of assorted colours should have you well equipped to tag the train on the way home. Compared to the KILOMETRICO ELITE, an hour into paper two, on account of its weight, your tremor will give grandma a real run for her money.

This pen is unfortunately quite uninspiring, less so than a substitute teacher's attempt to control the class. However, this is a pen that you can always rely on. Leaving one of these in the bottom of your pencil case will keep you as safe as the men who dressed up as women to get onto lifeboats when the Titanic sunk, and with half the drama.

Overall, this is exactly what I expected from PaperMate's cheapest model, an acceptable piece that is always there when you need it most. Attached along with our thoughts is a poem from the kind fan who requested its review.

6/10 without makeup.

26/07/2017

The Mitsubishi uni-ball eye fine, much like the Japanese who created it, substitutes emotion with efficiency. It is simply a treat to write with. The nib makes the ink glide across the page without any scratchiness, which feels worse than the boiled wool sweaters you're forced to wear at Christmas.

What's more, the latest model has improved the distribution of ink from the nib when compared to the previous pieces. But again, in true Japanese fashion, the new pen contains no trace of its previous failures with a sleeker, shinier design and almost perfect weight distribution. According to its Japanese creators, of course, the previous models never existed, just like World War Two never happened.

Despite these points in the Mitsy's favour, there are some notable drawbacks. At $4 each, the cost-per-pen ratio is not in the price range of a teenager, as it more than taps into the budget set aside for smashed avo's. The ink makes any sheet of paper as see-through as my personality and the grip is about as comfortable as watching a s*x scene with your parents.

Overall, a lovely writing experience and it provides good value for money. Caution is needed with writing legibility and if you are left-handed, the smudging is inevitable.

8/10

26/07/2017

New review dropping at 6:25pm, check out our shop for more details.

26/07/2017

At church, collecting some material for our upcoming reviews. Message us for any more requests.

25/07/2017

Seeing PaperMate's black KILOMETRICO ELITE at Officeworks on sale for $4.70 for ten made me suspicious as to the pen's merit as a weapon of choice for aspiring students. However, writing with this piece for 24 hours made me tingle in my nether regions like never before.

Whilst this pen is about as solid as wilted watercress, it does offer great value for money on the entry level market. The level of ink-flow is pretty much ideal for those HSC students hoping to reach the third booklet in their critical study essays. However, I found this piece hard to control at times, not helping the already tenuous legibility of my writing. That said, as my timed Hamlet essay went on, I found the shaft very slippery, on account of my sweating fingers. Furthermore, this pen is not the most comfortable to write with, having a smooth and hard plastic grip, but that is to be expected of a pen in this price range.

PaperMate continue to impress me with the design of even their most basic pieces. Often at times I found myself staring at the pen's sparkling grey shaft during class, much to the dismay of my teachers and parents alike. The pure white branding in low relief really does contrast very nicely with the pen's lid, a shiny black finish.

Overall, a solid entry level piece and a suitable workhorse pen for all students. It really does punch well above its price on what is an extremely compenitive market.

6/10

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