08/27/2026
We are surrounded by messages about what it means to be a “good” child.
Some are spoken directly to us. Others we learn by watching what gets praised, what gets criticised, what creates conflict, and what earns us love, approval or belonging.
We may hear things like: be nice, don’t be angry, don’t be difficult, keep the peace, put others first, don’t ask for too much, don’t disappoint people etc.
Psychologically, we can begin to internalise these messages as rules for staying safe, accepted and connected.
And often, they work.
We learn to read the room.
We become accommodating.
We anticipate other people’s needs.
We soften our boundaries.
We silence anger before anyone else can be uncomfortable with it.
But when we repeatedly override ourselves to follow these rules, something else can happen… we lose connection with our own internal signals.
Our anger that tells us something isn’t okay.
Our discomfort that tells us a boundary has been crossed.
Our intuition that whispers, this doesn’t feel right.
Our desires that tell us what we actually want.
Our wise self that knows what is true for us.
Eventually, the question shifts from:
“What do I need to do to be good?”
to:
“What do I actually feel, need, want and know?”
Unlearning the “good girl” isn’t about becoming selfish, angry or uncaring.
It’s about learning that you can be kind without abandoning yourself.
You can love others and have boundaries.
You can experience anger without being cruel.
You can disappoint someone and still be a good person.
You can listen to yourself without needing everyone else to agree.
Maybe the work is not becoming “better”.
Maybe it’s coming home to the parts of ourselves we learned to silence in order to belong.
I share more on this in my substack. Comment “Substack” and I’ll share details.
Keep shining,
Dr.L
