26/06/2025
Peter Coleman, author of Intractable Conflict, shares a story that shows how little we know about how to deal with hashtag effectively.
At his second solo mediation, Coleman faced two families in one room arguing because their boys were getting into trouble together. One mother had declared the friendship over, so the anger was thick. Accusations flew, the kind of mess that makes you wonder why anyone thought it was a good idea to sit these people down together.
Coleman was probably wondering the same thing.
Then, in the middle of all that heat, one mother asks casually, "We haven't seen your daughter Bella lately."
The other mother's face crumbles. "She's been in the hospital for two weeks. We don't know what's wrong. It's making me crazy."
Everything changed at that point.
The room that had been crackling with anger suddenly went quiet.
They worked out an agreement—yes, the boys would stay apart. So, Coleman went off to write it up.
When he came back ten minutes later, they told him: "Never mind. We're going to dinner. We're good."
Just like that.
Here's what I think happened:
Someone chose to connect. She didn't plan it or strategise it. But something about that moment—maybe exhaustion—made it safe enough to let their guard down.
That's it. That's the work.
Most conflicts aren't about what we think they're about. They're about what we're carrying that we haven't been able to say.
Create space for that, and watch what becomes possible.
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Peter Coleman, autor de Conflicto Intratable, comparte una historia que muestra lo poco que sabemos sobre cómo manejar los conflictos de manera efectiva.
En su segunda mediación en solitario, Coleman se enfrentó a dos familias en una habitación discutiendo porque sus hijos se estaban metiendo en problemas juntos. Una madre había declarado que la amistad había terminado, así que la tensión era palpable.
Entonces, en medio de toda esa tensión, una madre pregunta : "No hemos visto a tu hija Bella últimamente."
La otra madre response. "Ha estado en el hospital durante dos semanas. No sabemos qué le pasa. "
Todo cambió en ese momento.
Llegaron a un acuerdo: sí, los niños se mantendrían separados. Así que Coleman se fue a redactarlo.
Cuando regresó diez minutos más tarde, le dijeron: "No importa. Nos vamos a cenar. Todo está bien."
Así de simple.
Esto es lo que creo que pasó:
Alguien eligió conectar. No lo planeó. Pero en ese momento—tal vez fue el agotamiento—fue posible bajar la guardia.
Eso es todo y ese es el trabajo.
La mayoría de los conflictos no son sobre lo que creemos que son, sino sobre lo que no hemos podido decir y es importante.
Crea espacio para lo que no se dice y observa las posibilidades que se abren.
Picture by Peter Neumann
