08/05/2026
In honour of Sir David Attenborough’s 100th birthday I unearthed this from the archives of Jones And Co. Life. It’s the one where David Attenborough wrote about my children’s unusual behaviour. Three cheers for Mr Attenborough! 🥳
David Attenborough On Life
George recently started high school a few months ago and it has brought quite a few changes to the Heaney tribe…
The mother no longer does everything for the 12-year-old, and the young male is now expected to stand on his own two feet.
Still too young to get a job, both parents still feed and clothe and home the young one, but with the emerging new chapter of his life, he is expected, like all high schoolers, to get himself out of bed in the morning, pack his school bag, get himself ready and out of the house and off to school each day.
His early attempts are often clumsy and comical to watch but the loving parents stand back, safe in the knowledge that he will be flying the nest at age 18 whether he figures this stuff out or not.
The 12-year-old, with not enough fat reserves to survive the harsh winter on his own, must return home each day to find food. His parents are still out hunting so the youngster has the family home to himself for an hour or so before the rest of the family return. This is supposed to be homework time but most growing high-schoolers use the time for snacking.
They will rifle through kitchen cupboards for the tastiest morsels they can find that do not require cooking. Crisps, nuts, and chocolates are the preferred snack on the days they can be found. Unfortunately, these delights do not grow locally on trees in Lancashire and must be brought in by the parents.
And now for the first time ever, the videographers on the Heaney Planet team have captured never-before-seen footage of how a 10-year-old male responds to the 12-year-old male’s unsupervised snacking behaviour.
The youngest member of the family is collected and brought home from after-school-club by a loving parent. On entering the family home, the 10-year-old sprints to the kitchen and starts going through the bin, sometimes going elbow-deep, to discover what snacks have been eaten. He then shouts for all to hear, “If he’s had that, I’m having one too!” and he then goes in search of the same snack.
This behaviour is both very strange and unanticipated. Some days when the baby of the family cannot find another snack of the same kind, he runs upstairs to the 12-year-old who is pretending to do homework, and starts shouting and then wrestling with him.
The parents step in at this point and try everything within their limited intelligence to restore order.
Unfortunately, the hapless parents have years more of this to come. It is thought that this strange tribal behaviour has been happening for millennia - not that it is of any comfort to this one set of parents.
