30/05/2026
The Lost Art of Silence: Why We Have Forgotten How to Listen
Even before I started this "University of life" in practicing monks hood here in Cambodia, I have been observing how I and others communicate, both in the fast-paced corporate world I used to inhabit and in the quiet spaces of the pagoda here at the Vipassana Dhura International Buddhist Center in Kep.
In today's environment, outside in the world, speed is praised.
We treat conversation like a competitive sport where the fastest reply, wins.
Have you noticed that when someone else is speaking, we are often not actually listening?
Instead, while we had the other speaking, we are intensity already preparing our next sentence.
We are loading our "conversational weapons", waiting for the exact millisecond the other stops making a sound as he needs to breath, so we can jump in immediately with our own opinion, our own story, our own judgment or our own criticism.
We simply listen to react and answer fast, rather than listening with the intention to understand and then take the time to respond.
The Modern World's Default of "Reactive Listening"
In my past as an executive and executive coach, I saw how this constant state of rush creates mostly always frictions.
We rush to speak, because silence feels uncomfortable.
It feels like a loss of control over the situation.
When someone says something that triggers us, our immediate instinct is to defend "the ego", to fix the problem, or to show how much we know.
There is nothing wrong about that.
From a modern psychological view, this quick reaction is just another ancient survival mechanism.
We mistake a difference of opinion for a threat to our safety our loss of control, so we strike back with words, before we have even fully processed what the other person meant.
Does that sound familiar?
In my humble observations is my own habits, I discovered, that when we communicate this way, we are not connecting with the other.
We are just two people throwing monologues at each other and see, what sticks. Sometimes it feels like verbal vomiting of expressions, we hope the other will understand and obey your own perceptions.
It feels exhausting and while you feel that way, you judge the other fit not being respectful enough to listen to you....first...
The Wisdom of Sati and the "Pause"
In Buddhist psychology, true listening requires a quality called Sati, which is often translated as "mindfulness" or "right attention".
But Sati also means remembering, remembering to stay present in this very moment without rushing to the next one.
When we practice Sati, we do not just hear the words.
We listen with Yoniso Manasikara, which means wise reflection or appropriate attention.
We look deeply into what is being said, observing not just the outside sounds, but the intention behind them,without judging it.
To do this, we have to learn the power of the "pause", the gap between one word...
And the next word.
Have you ever answered or even tried it out that when somebody speaks, what will happen, if you do not answer immediately?
What happens if we allow a few seconds of silence... 1....2....3....to exist between their last word and our first one?
Like the line break in this post,
just pause at every empty line...
In that intentional pause,
something beautiful happens.
We give ourselves the space,
to understand first.
Then, we think.
Then we respond from a place of clarity,
rather than blind reaction.
The Buddha often reminded his disciples of the value of speech that is timely, true, gentle, purposeful, and spoken with a mind of goodwill.
It is impossible to speak this way if we are rushing to hit a target.
Looking Inside the Mirror
I spend a lot of time to look closely at my own history, at my own behavior with phenomena.
In the past, when things felt disorganized or incompetent around me, my immediate reaction was to jump in and control the narrative.
I tried to systematically with a "Swiss" diplomatic approach to slightly adjust other peoples opinions, thoughts and ideas towards my own narratives, simple to not losing control over the situation, I knew I could handle clearly, based from my past experiences.
I can promise you, to adjust this deep engraved fear from my past of losing control, it took me a lot (and still does) of silent "Samathi" practices to realize that my fast responses were not driven by wisdom; they were driven by my own internal discomfort and fear.
Fear of losing my control.
Fear of not delivering what I promised.
Fear of being seen as weak.
Fear of what will other people think of me, if..
Fear is simply failing.
When you give the other party the time to speak, listen with intention and then pause, before you respond, you are not being weak or slow.
You are actually showing immense strength.
You are deciding that your internal peace is more important than a fast comeback.
And if you have mastered the art of listening with intention, awake, present, with clear awareness, you can feel the slight triggers arising and passing when words are said, which may not feel comfortable to you.
Words are energies, are waves of frequencies.
When you are awake and master the pause before you answer, you get the opportunity to think and see clearly. And within seconds you can ask yourself:
"Am I simple reacting to these words I hear, because I felt that my ego-self got triggered?
Then, I react to win..?
Or
" Am I crafting a calm responds to these words I hear, because I have allowed myself to take the time, to analyze, and to allow myself to craft my responding words without any emotional charges. Then I respond with the intention to contribute.
I want to truly invite you, the next time you find yourself in a conversation, whether it is with a business partner, a colleague, a family member or when the internal constrain with your own self, try this small experiment:
1. Let them speak first
2. When they finish speaking, count to three in your mind before you open your mouth.
3. Observe the urge inside you that wants to rush.
(Perhaps, the other person already continues with more words, because of that 2-3 second silence was unbearable for them to be silent, hence they talk more, again, more "verbal sounds" to do the silent space...)
Simply observe, keep on listening with the right intention.
2. When they finish speaking, count to three in your mind before you open your mouth.
3. Observe the urge inside you that wants to rush.
4. Let that urge dissolve in the silence, and then respond from a place of awareness, of the sender is mastering and wirth the right intention to contribute.
5. See and feel, how it"feels".
We have been given two ears and one mouth for a reason. Perhaps it is time after all, we start respecting that balance. :-)
So, listening with intention means being brave enough to let the other person change your mind, rather than just waiting for your turn to change theirs.
Thank you for reading and listen to my words.
Stay Inspired
