27/10/2019
Today is Sunday o. My eyes have seen my
bum bum. What I faced in church today, I
swear I cannot keep quiet again. Let me tell
you the story.
This Yoruba neighbor of mine gave me an
invitation to visit his church. He was actually
inviting me for a special service held every
first Sunday of the month with a theme tagged
"From Beans To Glory." It was actually a
special service where beans were being
shared to over two thousand members of the
church.
This Yoruba guy, obviously among the food
planning committee, insisted I come today
being the second Sunday of the month. He
had caught me red handed. He knew I had no
plans for church today. It was already past
9am and he knew i was late for my own
church.
"Sir Praises our second service will start by
exactly 10am. We can still make it. Please
don't miss this service. It might be a breaking
point in your life." He spoke calmly.
"But i have not eaten o. I usually eat before
going to church." I threw in defence.
"Ah ah. Brother Praises. Have you forgotten it
is a beans service. Food will be shared in the
service o. You will eat tire." He explained.
I wanted to tell him I don't like eating beans.
I wanted to tell him no. I wanted to o. But I
didn't want to feel like a devil. Who knows,
may be God really had something planned for
me this Sunday.
I let out a wide grin exposing my thirty two
white teeth and turned to walk inside. In
seconds I was dressed up and we both headed
for 'Fire Must Catch Prayer Ministry' to attend
the monthly beans service.
When we got to the church, the brother took
the other direction. "Just go in and seat down.
When it is time I will locate you." He
instructed.
The aroma of sweet beans took over the
atmosphere. It traveled through my nose like
a plane. I stopped and sniffed the aroma all
in. My belly grumbled immediately. "This was
going to be a fantaglorious service" I said to
myself.
As I walked into the church, I could definitely
sense the holy spirit present. The arena was
charged. I walked in looking left and right,
searching for the right chair and position to
sit down, when an usher located me and I
was ushered to an empty chair.
I was made to sit down in the centre of two
fat Yoruba women. I wasn't really
comfortable. This women made me look small
sitting in their centre. The were large in size,
fully breasted with huge bum bum that
covered all angles of their iron chair.
The preaching was going on as usual, while
the food was being shared round by the
ushers.
At the pastors instruction, the church rose up
to pray seriously and I Joined in the prayers
too. After close to thirty minutes of vigorous
and dangerous prayer points to kill and slice
enemies, the pastor ordered that we take our
seats to watch a short clip, while we ate our
beans.
My neighbour brother who was still sharing
beans to the congregation located me and
served me a huge plate of beans. He also
served the fat women two huge plates
containing chunk of huge Kpomo.
As a new comer, I decided not to start my
eating too quickly, so as not to be seen as
hungry and desperate. But this Yoruba
women, obviously hungry, began to lunch
their beans. They ate like starved lions. The
other woman ate like a Tiger.
Before I could say 'peeem!' Their plate of
beans was finished. They were now chewing
their kpomo and scraping off the last crumps
of beans from the plate. Out of shock, I turned
left and right to confirm if they were sisters
or even twins. Who finishes a full plate of
beans in less than two minute.
While preaching went on, the Yoruba woman
on my left, lifted one side of her bum bum
and release a watery mess. 'scraaa par parr' I
turned with my eyes to look at her. We were
in the church and I could not say a word. So I
kept quiet. This act of periodic messing
continued and i was dying in silence. My I
couldn't even eat my beans any more.
I was still sitting down managing to focus on
the holy spirit, when the other fat one on my
right sneezed and peppery mess ozzed out of
her A**s and entered my eyes. 'Ewooo!' I
shouted rubbing my eyes in pain.
The Holy spirit immidiately disappeared from
our section and ran to the altar. Hot air took
over. The smell was unbearable. This mess
was the grand father of all mess I have seen
in my twenty five years of living in Nigeria.
One of the fat women tapped me immediately.
'brother, are u a new comer in this church?
She asked.
I nodded my head slightly as I kept rubbing
my eyes. "Ah Sorry o, I thought you are an old
member. This is how we do in our church o.
It is the effect of the beans. Kepele."
One brother sitting behind me tapped me and
drew close to whisper in my ears. "Oga you
will just die if you continue to sit down hear
o. Change position. Save your life." He blurted
in whispers.
I was still calculating what to do, when my
Yoruba neighbor walked up to me with that
brotherly smile on his face.
"Bro Praises, hope you are enjoying the
service? God is really moving. Hope you can
see what you have been missing all this
while?"
God punish devil. Enjoy wetin? Who enjoy
what? Missing all this while kill you there. I
Immediately stood up and picked my bible to
leave. I can not come and die in the house of
the lord.
While I was walking away in a haste, one of
the Ushers followed me behind with my plate
of beans chanting "Brother. Brother. You left
your plate of beans behind. Come and collect
it. Jesus love you."
Hiaaaaa.... To chop beans na by force? I
pretended not to hear him. I silently pulled
off my shoes and began to run. Usher was
chasing me with beans. I was running and I
am still running...
'While I ran home that day, I had learnt
something. 'Fear beans, eat wisely.'
Happy Sunday to you all.
