Awa Speaks

25/07/2023

Happy birthday wonder woman Grace Ekekwe Awa
More of God's unending blessings!🥂🥳🥰

16/07/2017

What's left after all the facade...

CONTRARY SPIRIT

Dear Jack, it’s important you discern the spirit of someone you’re considering dating. Rather than just being moved by superficial realities. What’s on the surface is being projected. The nice dress, makeup, the affectations, the s*xiness...all those are projections. Those projections won’t give you a true picture of somebody, just an impression. Projections are independent of character. Projections won’t give you insight into the spirit or real nature of someone. A devious person can wear fitted skirt and look attractive. The prettiness of the skirt is not the true knowledge of the person. And anyway mass media has sold us an imagery of a cosmopolitan woman. You’ve been programmed by reality TV. That someone looks fine, dresses fine can’t tell you the character of the person. You have to discover that. The character is independent of the dressing. The dress is mere fashion, an artistic endeavour. So you may find yourself appreciating a dress rather than evaluating the character of the model you’re considering dating.

Yet character is key. It’s what sustains marriage, not the dressing. She’s going to pull off the dress anyway, clear her face of makeup. After cleaning the face, removing the wig what’s left sans makeup? That’s a question you should be concerned about. It’s what’s left that’s your marriage. The dress, the makeup, those are just image technologies and enhancers. Character is easy to discern. It’s in attitude, it’s in disposition, and it’s in words. Character is the concern or unconcern. It’s the sincerity or insincerity. Character is the honesty or dishonesty. It’s the trustworthiness or lack of it. Character is the faithfulness or faithlessness. It’s the ill temperament or lack of it. It’s the caring or uncaring. It is these concerns that are painful to us in a relationship. It’s where emotional desire and wisdom collide. Character is you being sick and she doesn’t bother to call. She goes off partying, offers untenable excuses... It’s her asking you for money for something and you can tell it’s a fob, a lie and deceit. It’s her showing up in your house when she suspects you’re drifting away; this after days of ignominy, treating you badly. It’s you catching her off-guard temperamentally using unbelievable gutter expressions that are dissonant to your upbringing.

Character is that viciousness lurking under the surface. You can’t quite put your hand on it but you know it’s there. It leaks. Character is that uncare for the feelings of others, the ex*****on of Darwinian and Machiavellian theology. You can know these things and still be carried away by s*xiness – the short skirt, the sway of the hips, the affectation... But you ought to be concerned about character. Sexiness can’t cure it. It’s not a substitute for it. And that she wants you doesn’t obliterate the facts of character. Young men often get confused about being desired. Being desired can short-circuit the system. Being wanted makes people overlook character traits that ring alarm bells. So it’s not just the fashion projection that confuses young men. There’s also projected desire, being desirous. Being wanted naturally titillates a young man. He feels good pursuing and being pursued. But you can’t make life-determining decisions on just someone’s sense of fashion or desirousness. You’ve got to discern the spirit and nature of someone, the character of the person, before you make a decision on marriage. Character can take some time to manifest. It’s why you don’t rush into marriage. You may be marrying a projected image. Or you may just be getting carried away with someone’s desire for you.

Discerning human nature can sometimes require meditation – thinking through facts. Human nature can be buried under layers. The other factors can be so noisy – the makeup, s*xiness, dressing etc. You need some quiet to see through. Even religiosity can obscure character and nature. You can get carried away with dedication and religious ablutions. You need to go over those persistent facts, the ones you keep excusing. What do they portend? You can’t keep ignoring them. If someone does something painful to you the first time, you might say it’s a happenstance. If the person does it the second and third time, you’re looking at character trait. Especially if there’s pretext to gloss over it. Examining what is producing the traits will give you insight into the spirit and nature of the person.

When someone, for example, is contrarian and stubborn for no reason you’re looking at nature. You can’t change it. Those expressions of stubbornness many times stem from a desire to control or be in control. It can be a learned bad trait – the belief one can get away with bad behaviour; or it can be an insecurity shield. And sometimes it’s an expression of anger at something or someone no one can know. It’s deep and far. If you examine the basis of that rigidity and something nasty keeps showing up you’re looking at a nature. Some people are so rigidly stubborn the trait has demonic qualities. You CAN’T convince them to wisdom. They celebrate that stubbornness. You will hit a wall with such a person, and I’m talking reinforced concrete not clay bricks. That’s because the issue is so rooted deeply in the psyche it’s not just a defence, it’s being-hood. You won’t understand that stubborn rigidity. Trying to process the reasoning will about short-circuit your brain. You’ll go white brick blank. You can’t make the person see sense for his or her own good. You’re wasting your time. The stubbornness is more important. You can take a 200-mile journey of persuasion with the person thinking you’re making progress, but find yourself at status quo. You can’t handle such a spirit. The relationship won’t work however you try. You may break yourself trying, dull yourself.

Yet there are those with wonderful agreeable spirits. Marriage is more feasible with such. That’s because marriage is a series of adjustments. It’s acculturation. There has to be a spirit of agreeability in marriage. An unbending and unreasonable disposition is the artistic totem of the unwise. They tend to be wise in themselves. Always wanting to be in control. It can be buried under layers of pretence of unawareness. You have to play the facts in your head, look at motivation and disposition to discern the spirit of someone. Don’t be carried away with all the dressing or the projection of desire. Character matters, nature matters. There is such a thing called a contrary spirit in a relationship. That spirit always faces backward never forward. You can’t persuade a contrary spirit. She may come along with you to get what she wants. It’s for a period and calculated. Once she feels advantaged she begins to assert that true self. Everything becomes enforcement. If you insist on changing her she’ll break you. Just let her be. You’ll keep coming back to the same issues, the same thing. A contrary spirit is rigid because it’s rooted in seeking to protect self from experiences of past pain and disappointment. There are things only God can do.

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder | [email protected]

For related articles, search for Agalmatophilia and Disagreeability at http://jacknjillive.com

*Please don’t leave without clicking the SHARE button below.
For business & career resources, live video sessions and answers to entrepreneurial and business questions, join Squaretable - my business and career mentoring platform. Visit www.lekealder.com/squaretable to subscribe.

08/07/2017

Plz read to the end...

TWO LITRES OF LOVE

Dear Jil, first, you don’t generalise about men. (Men shouldn’t generalise women too!) The statement, “All sparrows are black” has to be a presumptive fallacy since we can’t say we’ve come across all sparrows. It’s why we don’t generalise about the s*xes. You can only talk about the men you know, or been told about. Even that is hearsay. Second, you don’t bring the spirit of gender unionism into your marriage. It’s not a “Men versus Women” thing. Third, other men are not your concern really. Just your husband. Marriage is very proprietary, narrow and custom. And so what you need to concern yourself with is your husband, not other people’s husbands. They’re not your worry. If others say their husbands are crazy but you know yours is sane, you don’t import non-existent insanity into your marriage. And so I understand your concern about men in general but men in general are not your concern. You’re not God.

Marriage is retail. What you need to be focused on is your man. Is he good to you? If he is, why judge him by the standards and deficiencies of others? Why band him with others? If you bring that gender unionism thing into your marriage you’ll damage it. Marriage is not us versus them. It’s us together. Love presupposes generosity. Love does not ration affection like the serving of Mama Put.* (*Ask a Nigerian about this). You can’t be measuring how much love you should scoop to your husband. It’s inherently contradictory. Love doesn’t come in centilitres. It comes in the size of a heart. And so by the time you’re rationing affection to your husband whatever you’re rationing cannot be love. Rationing of affection presupposes something is being held back, deliberately. If you’re holding back affection from your husband then you’ve stepped into control. There’s going to be insincerity. The critical question then is, can love be insincere? Is insincere love not inherently contradictory? Insincerity is actually very manipulative in a relationship. But of course you don’t see it that way, which is the point I want to make to you.

Insincerity blinds you to the feelings of the other party. It’s “smartness” by other means. He knows you’re insincere by the way. You’re only thinking of yourself. What if your insincerity leads to equal and opposite reaction? Suppose he begins to hold back affection from you too, becomes insincere in his expressions? How would you feel if every time your man calls you, you know it’s insincere? Manipulation is another name for controlling lie. And if you’re doing all this stuff then there’s a trust issue in your relationship. I’ve found out that those who dish out this behaviour can’t take it themselves. They don’t even imagine it being dished back. They can’t even imagine reciprocity. They always think they’re in the control seat, many times presumptuous. At some time the guy is going to get annoyed with all that manipulation and insincerity. The first time you did what you did he probably thought it was an accident. The second time, he said let’s give benefit of doubt. But by the third time he’d realised you’re doing it deliberately, that it’s your modus operandi. Which is why he pulled back from you emotionally. It’s how the relationship entered tit for tat mode. A tit for tat relationship is not a good relationship. It’s a minor vengeance soap opera. And it can escalate. You can’t be in a relationship and you guys are researching ways to hurt each other. That’s not a relationship. And then all that calculation comes in – who will call or text first. You ignore WhatsApp messages, though online. I’ll ask you think twice about this withholding of affection, this scooping of emotions. You can’t deal with the reciprocity.

On some level withholding of affection is actually selfishness careering into self-centeredness. And so the philosophy of the dispensation of affection in litres is not something you should practice. You’re not thinking through. The outcome cannot be good. It leads to places relationships shouldn’t go. It can easily become a man’s justification for cheating on you. You see it’s a Pandora box. You can’t love without giving. And in love you give of yourself, your emotions, material, economic and spiritual substance. Love doesn’t come as a menu – two scoops of affection, three servings of hug, one conditional birthday present... If you feel you can’t trust your partner enough to love him, why be in the relationship. This relationship is a potential marriage. Has to have trust. In marriage you’re committing your life and wellbeing into someone’s hand. Whether you like it or not, your partner will determine your emotional health and wellbeing. Emotional wellbeing can slide to the right or left. Depression and happiness are opposite ends of the spectrum. You don’t go into marriage with a mind-set against men. That marriage is already broken. Everything the guy does you’ll judge. If the coin were flipped, would you like someone judging all your actions?

You can’t use your mother’s bad experience as a template for your marriage. She made her choice, make yours. Your husband is not your father. You can’t judge him based on the deficiencies of your father. Don’t lose your marriage before it’s even started. In the same vein don’t marry someone who’s controlling and withholding affection from you. He’ll punish you emotionally. He’ll want you to be at his mercy. You’re even in a worse scenario if you’re sleeping with him. In a relationship don’t dish what you can’t take, don’t dish what you don’t want. Think through before you embark on a deliberate course of action. Selfishness prevents the imagining of reverse scenario. Withholding of affection is not the way to go. It’s a terrible operating philosophy for marriage. Date someone you can trust with your emotions. Character matters. I do hope you see the fuller picture.

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder | [email protected]

For related letters, search for Emotional Stinginess and Emotional Bandwidth at http://jacknjillive.com

*Please don’t leave without clicking the SHARE button below.
For business & career resources, live video sessions and answers to entrepreneurial and business questions, join Squaretable - my business and career mentoring platform. Visit www.lekealder.com/squaretable to subscribe.

13/05/2017

What do you mean?

STALE RELATIONSHIP

Dear Jil, I’m not exactly sure what this guy means when he said his relationship with his girlfriend is stale. How can a relationship be stale? Is it bread or what? Has the relationship gone moldy or expired? What’s he saying? Is he in a relationship but not in a relationship? It’s not very clear and you better be clear. A relationship is a relationship whether moldy or not. Whether stale or not he’s still in a relationship. Ascribing the characteristics of a fungi-infested bread to a relationship isn’t exactly helpful in this circumstance.

I told you to be careful because you could end up in a relationship with a guy in two relationships – one “stale,” one fresh. His status not being clear gives him plausible deniability in the event of a burst. If things go south he can tell you he already told you he’s still in a relationship, that they just had issues. In fact he may turn around and call you an exploiter of his circumstances since you knew his relationship subsists. When a guy stays in a “stale” relationship, it often means he and his girlfriend have known each other for some time. And it may mean the relationship petered out when the s*x suffered devaluation. The two parties don’t know what to do with the husk of the relationship. It’s why it’s stale and moldy. You can end up hanging in the balance for years, hoping against hope in this kind of situation. And at the end of the day he may just go out and marry a third person, someone “fresh.” You shouldn’t put yourself in this position. Clarity is important in a relationship. Is he out, or not? I’m even more worried these facts are just emerging. You didn’t even know about the stale relationship.

So there are questions you need to ask yourself to ascertain his true status. You need to ask yourself, is he still in touch with her? Does he visit her? Do they still go out? Does he go to her house? Does her family believe they’re going to marry? Does she cook for him or vice versa? Does he buy her presents? Did he send valentine greetings? What’s his Facebook status? Does he still have her pictures on his phone? Is her picture his wallpaper? Does he have a lot of her pictures? When he has issues does he turn to her? Does she still see them as together despite what he told you? Does she still confide in him? Does she turn to him in trouble? Does he go with her for family affairs? Does he still regard her as his confidante? Does he go to her flat to sleep? Does he eat at her flat? Do his friends still see her as the girlfriend? Do they chat regularly? Do they chat till late?

If the answer to most of the above questions is yes, there’s nothing stale about the relationship. It’s very much alive. And if so this a b***y trap you’re walking into. Yet you’re not an animal. Already you’re hoping things are otherwise in this “relationship,” if we can call it that. It just seems you guys are flirting each other up while descending into serious attachment. If his status with his girlfriend is solid you’re going to be the loser at the end of the day. You’ll have wasted your time chasing what is not available. In truth, he was never available. An unclarified status is a pointer to non-availability. If he wants to date you let him come clean. He can’t be hanging on to his moldy relationship and be pursuing fresh bread. If he doesn’t want to date his girlfriend again, he needs to tell her. Or he’s going to end up jilting two women. The irony is that if he goes for a third woman he may not be satisfied. He’ll be used to both of you. This is how guys get themselves confused. Too much biological and emotional data to process. There’s a reason Solomon said to guard your heart with all diligence. You’ve got to watch your heart. You don’t want your emotions messed up. And you don’t want your desires putting you in emotional prison. In which case you’ll be the prisoner, jail and warder. That’s a very complicated tripartite phenomenon. Emotions are powerful. And the more time you spend with someone the more emotionally exposed you are. It’s a case of if you’re looking for something you’ll find it. So you’ll start seeing things that aren’t there, things you want to be there. You’ll start fobbing the data you’re accumulating, trying to rationalize what you see. And therein lies the danger. You’ll start believing a lie. Warning signs your commonsensical self would have detected will go unheeded. Your desire will overwrite the signs. You’ll be egged on by your lusts and desires, pushing envelopes of acceptance. Before you know it you’re totally in. And if you have s*x in the mix you’re gone! You have a chance now to pull out. If you don’t, you’ll find yourself sucked in.

You have to be careful what guys like this one say. It may not be a reflection of the understanding of his girlfriend. You don’t know what he tells her. And if the relationship is truly stale, he wouldn’t be texting her. What I suspect is they have an unresolved argument and the issue is lingering. This is an active stale relationship. He loves his girlfriend. They’ve been together for some time. He’s emotionally attached to her. You’re not strong enough to break that bond or you would have. So he’s doing all these calculations in his head, trying to accommodate your benefits outside commitment. You want commitment. But what you’re asking for he cannot give. He’s committed to another. As long as the “stale” relationship subsists he can’t give you the commitment you want, and not without being duplicitous. Yet you don’t know if he loves stale bread. You’ll only discover after he’s started a relationship with you. So beware of the man with a stale relationship. It’s still a relationship. Clarity is always emotionally healthier in a relationship.

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder | [email protected]

For a related letter, search for Love Makes All The Difference at http://jacknjillive.com

For business & career resources, live video sessions and answers to entrepreneurial and business questions, join Squaretable - my business and career mentoring platform. Visit www.lekealder.com/squaretable to subscribe.

*Please don’t leave without clicking the SHARE button below.

30/04/2017

Be a man...

WOMAN WAHALA

My dear Jack, you’re only going to create confusion with this binary equation you’re embracing. There are going to arise serious complications dating two girls at once. And contradictions. Fidelity will be an irony. Yes, I know you don’t mean to, and that cowardice landed you in this technical default… But the fact remains you’re in a relationship with two women and you’re going to create something messy, hurt someone. You landed in this situation by not breaking off with your girlfriend before starting a new relationship. You were cowardly. You knew it’s not going to be pretty breaking up with your girlfriend so you just began a new relationship. And until your new girlfriend pushed, neither of the two women knew each other existed. You were dating in subterfuge. By the way that’s a euphemism for cunning deceit. You were lying to both women. It takes a lot to keep such a pretense going and you ought to reappraise your character.

Now, be afraid of your capacities. You just witnessed a dramatic conversion of your character. You did something you never thought you were capable of. You’ve demonstrated a worrying capacity to string two women along. When it comes to relationship, neat and tidy are very desirable words. This situation is not neat and tidy. And your conscience is going to become calloused as you intuitively improvise deceit. You’ve perfected lying about your availability. You lie to one about your whereabouts when you’re with the other. You’re playing one girl against the other. And worse you’re sleeping with both. You’re looking for trouble young man – the one local people call “woman trouble.” Pray you don’t experience it.

When you drive a woman to the point in which she no longer cares, that’s the crucible for “woman’s trouble.” She’ll burn down the house on your head and won’t care. That’s when you know you found what they call “woman trouble.” You forget women have more emotional capacity than men. Which means she has volumes of passion you don’t have. You don’t want that passion becoming combustible. The vision that comes to mind is the Hindenburg air balloon. And to imagine you’re toying with two women. You can’t handle the conflagration and it’s bound to happen. Your life will never remain the same after this thing blows out. No fire extinguisher works in this situation. If you want to have a relationship with this new lady, break off with your old girlfriend. It’s the tidy thing to do. And it’s the most reasonable course of action. You’re just going to create unnecessary complications. That’s because you’re juggling two lives, and holding the two lives in abeyance pending some resolution without definition. Be careful. There are many ways such things get resolved. Unscripted. You can’t anticipate how. You’re even going to confuse yourself, if you’re not already.

As long as you’re getting the benefit of both women your brain can’t discriminate rationally. There’s a s*x fog. When you finally make a choice, or when life makes a choice for you – that’s when you realize things. The knowledge you have of either woman is relative. You don’t have knowledge outside that paradigm. The benefits of the two women are mashed up in unified form in your brain right now. There’s no exclusive analysis. Then you’re making promises to the families of both women. You really want to compound your life don’t you? Make up your mind and come clean. As it is someone’s bound to be hurt. And it may be you. If you think you’re smart playing both women against each life, you’ll sooner realize you outsmarted yourself. Tidy is better. Walk up to your old girlfriend and let her know you don’t want to marry her. Don’t keep up this ruse.

In a relationship people commit their lives. That ruse you’re running is on someone’s life. Someone’s going to end up very bitter in this game you’re playing. You don’t know bitter. You think it’s Schweppes Bitter Lemon. You don’t want a woman bitter against you. And the longer this thing goes on the more the potency of such bitterness. Your older girlfriend at some point is going to expect you to formally pop the question. She doesn’t know you don’t want her. You’re already committed. What’s left is just formalization of solemnization intent. Your new girlfriend too is going to expect you to pop the question. You’ve given her the impression you’re in a hurry. Of course, the fathers of your concurrent girlfriends know you don’t come to play Ludo in their house. Each is going to ask his daughter what’s going on when you foot-drag. Now you’re looking for father’s trouble. Expect mother’s trouble in the mix. You can’t know how far a mother will go. This new girl is her father’s only daughter. You know the kind of man he is and you’re fooling around. Doh re mi…

I totally support your new girlfriend giving you that ultimatum. Maybe that will help you make up your mind. Whether by ill or circumstantial intendment the reality is that you’re playing with the emotions of two women. And why would you want to become life’s parable, you know - one of those guys who jilt women at the last minute? I advise you bite the bullet and do the needful. Choose. Stop stringing these two women. It’s unfair to expect your new girlfriend to help you resolve the termination of your old relationship. You expect the fact of this relationship to terminate the other. It doesn’t work that way. You sort out yourself. The fact your old girlfriend thinks you’re thinking otherwise will only force her to dig in. She’s going to double down. If you decide to go with the new girlfriend, she may choose to trouble the union claiming legitimacy and precedence. She’ll be a gravitational force outside the marriage, drawing you out. And so the mess continues, only a bigger mess. Of course, she’ll know the marriage is not strong. Or you won’t be coming to her for succour. And she may choose to exact revenge on your wife by holding your heart. These things happen. Make up your mind what you want and stop creating confusion. Be a man!

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder | [email protected]

For related letters, search for Toying With a Woman’s Emotion and Date a Woman Who Loves You Genuinely at http://jacknjillive.com.

*Please don’t leave without clicking the SHARE button below.

For business & career resources, live video sessions and answers to entrepreneurial and business questions, join Squaretable - my business and career mentoring platform. Visit www.lekealder.com/squaretable to subscribe.

15/03/2017

Learn and be wise...

26/10/2016

Never hide your talents. If you remain silent, you will be forgotten. If you fail to advance, you will fall back. If you bow before a challenge, your self-esteem will forever be scarred. And if you cease to grow, death is inevitable. Be certain: Nothing will happen to you that you are not equipped to handle. Just as any gem is polished by friction, you will become more valuable through your adversities. if one door closes, another will be made available.

26/10/2016

What will it take for you to find your special place and fill it? What will it take for you to pick through the the smoldering ruins of your dreams? How much of your talent is being wasted for want of a little boldness? When crestfallen and infected with the disease of self-pity, what will it take for you to "RISE, TAKE UP YOUR BED AND WALK"?

26/07/2016

Be sure to choose your friends wisely...

26/07/2016

Hard work still pays...especially when it's applied smartly.

26/07/2016

God is always here for you...don't give up on Him!!!

26/07/2016

Value and respect yourself...believe me you have worth!!!