03/11/2023
Years ago, in the early days of being a single mom, I had a night where I couldn’t sleep. I woke and fretted and dealt with an anxiousness I never felt before. It came in waves and felt like my heart was too heavy for my chest and then in the same moment like I couldn’t catch my breath.
Looking back I can see that girl, that me, that person so afraid. I can see her trying and her pushing through and her dealing. I can see her fear and I can feel her panic. I can see her grasp at truths and try to find footing.
I can see her courage.
She didn’t back then. She was in survival. If you told her she was courageous she’d tell you she had no choice but to keep being strong.
She might have seemed aloof to you. It wasn’t that she wasn’t trying to not be a fraud. It was because it was taking everything in her to keep moving.
I’ve learned to love her. To love her bravery when she didn’t know if it was there. To be proud of her strength that she dismissed. To see how hard she tried.
And I can see that in those days that the future was hard to see. Anxiousness and worry can do that to a heart. It can paint tomorrow with swirls of gray and blurs out the possibilities of what can be. It can be hard to believe.
I’m just so proud of the me that chose to takes step forward even when the steps didn’t seem to make me move. But they did. Small steps add up and up and up. And sometimes they go backward and then they go forward and then back and forward but if you keep going they will add up.
All the breaths, in and out.
All the tears.
All the moments.
All the anxious times.
All the faith filled times
All the trying.
I share about that me, that one sitting in her bedroom years ago as the clock showed 2:48 am, the one wondering when morning would happen, because I know there are so many who can see their story in it.
Maybe it’s you.
Maybe it’s you, right now, trying to catch your breath.
Maybe you are anxious.
Maybe you feel alone.
Maybe you are alone.
Maybe you are dealing with hard stuff.
Maybe you are awake and wanting sleep.
Maybe you need a friend.
I see you.
Friend, sister, sweet soul, I see you.
Light always overcomes darkness.
Remember that. On those restless, sleepless nights I’d wait and watch for the light to peek through the shades and with that hope would creep into my weary bones.
There is hope.
There is opportunity.
There is joy.
There is tomorrow.
There is light.
So keep on keeping on. Listen to your friends. Have grace for their stories. Show up. And be really proud of what you do. Dealing with a life that doesn’t go like we planned isn’t the easiest.
Keep breathing.
Keep sharing your real.
Friend, you are needed and wonderful.
And you will get through.
Light always wins.
-Rachel