22/10/2013
- When I regard life as a play or a game, then I can see that I act in different roles. Within these roles I behave in a certain way depending on what I have learnt is well working. The roles feel more or less comfortable to me and my acting is more or less functional in relation to the expectancies of those who play with me, or against me, as well as in relation to what I expect of myself. Usually I do my best to fit in the family, at the job, in the company and among people. Sometimes it feels as if I am in full control of what is happening and how I act in my role, but sometimes it does not, and I try to understand why, and to correct my behavior. It happens that I do mistakes. Then I apologize and act differently. I have noticed that certain self-assuredness has developed within me, which makes it possible for me not to do to things as hard as I used to. I know what normally happens and it is not that difficult to live up to the expectancies of others any longer. It feels safe! I feel assured and respected by the people I deal with.
In spite of this there is something that is worrying me. Actually, there are two things. It happens that I don’t manage my acting. But, I continue to act and pretend as if I can do my stuff. Sometimes I even cheat. Surely, sometimes it happens that there is someone who reacts, but as long as it moves on as it is supposed to, I don’t worry about it. Of course, I have got critique. Feelings of guilt have caught me then, but not for long. Soon It has been forgotten. I have found out that it helps to drink heavily once in a while, to let it go. What is worse is that I sometimes get the feeling that what I do is totally meaningless, that life is a superficial game that really doesn’t lead anywhere. The rewards I get for being good at what I do, even successful, entice me not any more and my defeats do not bother me either. People around me are worried about me, but even more in the case that the game should not be kept intact. If I quit it is as if I die, and then the game has to be changed, with new roles and changed expectations. Some have in fact come up to me accusing me for not being fair. The feelings of shame are now clouding my mind. Shall I do what I want, or do what the others want? The doctor wants to give me some pills to help me feel better, but I have so far kept myself away from her “chill pills.” Now, I want to know how you look upon my situation?
- My opinion is that you now have come to a point in your life where you have realized that what has been given to you through your upbringing, and the goals to which your striving to succeed, has led you. Your parents and your social status have so far formed your life, and you have been given what was there for you. Is there anything more, or is it time to drop it all? As I see it, you have now the opportunity to take a whole new grip upon your life, and start asking the questions that mean the most to you. By answering them, something is set in motion, a process which puts you in the lead of your own life. When you put yourself in the leading position you thank the people that have supported you this far, but then make it clear to yourself, that your life now lies in your hands, and not in someone else’s. Earlier you created your life without considering yourself and your innermost wishes. Now you can begin to play the games you really want to play in the way you find interesting. You can go deep within yourself and also be as superficial as you like, enticed by some whim that comes to mind. You will turn yourself into a master of the art of living. How does that sound?