29/05/2019
♡Filling our LOVE cups - “Self LOVE” + Loving others♡
The first big thing I learned about within the New Age Spiritualism community is “Self Love”. It is hard not to see this term pop up on my FB feeds every single day. I started reading extensively on quotes, articles and books defining and encouraging “self Iove” in the New Age context.
I gathered that most subscribe to the basis of “love ourselves first then we can love others”. The analogy commonly used will be “if your own cup is not filled, what have you got to pour into others’ cups”?
This leads me to my reflection and examination on the seldom-discussed ways we can fill our LOVE cups up, contrary to the cliche that we HAVE to put our SELF first all the time.
The New Age Spiritualism has somehow set the mentality that “self love” sings to the tunes of “I care more for how I feel” then after that “I’ll consider yours”.
There is also a saying that NO ONE can make us whole. We have to be a whole ourselves so as not to result in “co-dependency” in any forms of relationship.
Is there really such a sequence, that I am inadequate to love others if I don’t love myself first? Did all women pass the self-love test first before becoming mothers?
Is there really a “Whole” human walking around? The Universal truth of all things being impermanent on earth plane gives room for me to feel whole today but fragmented tomorrow - in fact it can even be shortened to between this breath and the next. As for co-dependency, as long as one is in a relationship no matter what nature, there will ALWAYS be some degree of co-dependencies in varying amount and forms.
Only robots have solitary emotions - a complicated system like a human’s experiences overlapping and combination of emotions ALL the time. Who is to say an Empath CANNOT at the same time be a narcissist too?
Moving on, through my personal observation, I’ve seen many instances of Self-Love being sparked and ignited by “LOVING OTHERS FIRST”. This of course, prompted me to re-examine what I’ve been fed by the New Age Spiritualism community.
I know of a man who didn’t care about his infected toenails for many years, allowing them to disintegrate. But now that he has found LOVE, he initiated a trip to the pharmacy and forked out an amount that he wouldn’t have thought worthwhile of spending in the past to buy treatment drops. The last I heard from him, having “someone” to love has motivated him to improve himself on many levels - overall health focus, self-care initiation, self-loving acts etc so that he could preserve himself better to GIVE MORE LOVE to his beloved.
Then there was this movie “Titanic” that I had watched for 6 times. Rose lived her life to the fullest after Jack sacrificed his so that she could have hers. Her life after Jack’s death was more exciting - she became a movie star, fell in love, had children, enjoyed a variant of hobbies and grew old stylishly (her toenails were painted red at 80). If you may recall how she had met Jack, it was due to her hopelessness in her life situation at that point and wanted to jump off the ship. Why didn’t she use “self-love” to find meanings in her life prior to meeting Jack? How did she live her life after Jack’s death? What was her drive for Self-Loving till her ripe age of 80?
My ill-stricken friend recently told me that he could leave this world anytime fearlessly. He is not afraid of death. But he is taking such great care of his body now so that he could work to build financial stability for his beloved for as long as his body is able to sustain his willpower. He looks healthier than me, eats well, exercise with good discipline and puts in more effort in self-care than many people I know.
I have also come across an article written by a doctor recapulating on how he had survived the gruesome prosecution from the N**i in a torturous cell for years - by hinging on the HOPE to see his beloved wife again. When he finally walked out, he was completely shattered to learn that she was killed during the World War 2 when he was still in prison, but expressed gratitude towards that “hope” that had kept his fighting spirits up in retrospect. Would he have the will power to stay alive based on purely “self-love”? Honestly we wouldn’t know. But today, he continues to love himself and service others based on the memory of his love for his Wife.
Adding to the above, as a mother who had travelled on the plane with my two young children before, I know I ought to put on my oxygen mask first when the occasion calls for the need BUT I know for sure that motivation does not stem from “me first” mentality BUT MY LOVE FOR MY CHILDREN as they are fully dependent on me. Hence I MUST take care of myself first so that they will have a higher chance for survival.
Based on all these observation, I challenged my own understanding on Self-Love and its widely propagated sequence.
Sometimes, LOVING OTHERS FIRST GIVES RISE TO SELF-LOVE. Having someone to love gives meanings to living life. Therefore, how is loving others first NOT able to fill my LOVE cup?
That man would never had treated his infected toenails even if he had read 100 quotes on “Self Love”. Where did my ill-stricken friend draw his energy and strength from to continue living but the love of his life? Rose wouldn’t have lived such a full life if not for her memory of Jack’s LOVE after that life-altering tragedy. And last but not least, that World War 2 surviver doctor’s determination to walk out of the prison alive was kept in flame with the image of his wife’s face in his head during all his breathing moments inside the prison.
In moments of our lives, when the LOVE we have for others over-rides the love we have for ourselves, it ACTIVATES the love for the SELF in a magical way that we don’t even know how to describe those waves of emotions.
In all honesty, the demarcation between self-love and selfishness can sometimes become rather blurred. And I’m beginning to see that the sequence of “self love first then able to love others” doesn’t apply all the time. Just like walking, sometimes the right leg starts first and other times, the left takes the lead. The co-dependency between the right and left legs makes walking continuously possible. If we injure one, we would naturally and instinctively compensate by over-using the other while the injured one heals.
To end this long post, I would like to share my take on “Self Love”:
- It is the enjoyment of being able to do the things one wishes to do;
- It is also the ability to say NO to others;
- On a deeper level, Self-Love is also the strength to say NO to oneself too.
The singer who touched so many with her “Greatest Love of All” sadly did not internalise “learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all” by having the strength to say NO to herself.
Nic Wong
28May2019
