09/28/2026
Nicole Tiffany Cruz: Is it that husbands don't understand how hard it is to be a woman these days? Or that wives don't appreciate how much their husbands really do for them?
I think there's something else.
As a single parent who has handled both providing and caregiving on my own in a variety of ways of the years, including at times without child support or visits with the other parent, I sometimes see what spouses with split responsibilities miss.
Yes, some men don't do their share and some women don't appreciate how hard their husbands work.
But there's another reason so many people feel under-appreciated or overloaded in their relationship:
The workload has increased drastically from when we were growing up.
Chances are you're both doing more than your parents did.
The demands of both providing and managing a household have changed over the years.
Under stress, however, we become more self centered and blind to some of the load our partner bears.
Here are some widespread gaps in understanding I've noticed.
1. Helping at home isn't the same as carrying the mental load - knowing what needs to get done to manage a household and family. Thankfully, there's plenty on the internet about this.
2. Having a full time job isn't the same as carrying the mental load of providing. This isn't talked about enough.
3. Parenting norms have changed. Parents are expected to be more hands on with school work and play. Kids are less autonomous and often contribute less to household responsibilities.
4. We understand how parents influence their kid's mental health well into adulthood, and therefore expect more skillful and emotionally demanding parenting.
5. Full time jobs that can support a family aren't the norm anymore. To get and keep one, you need to be competitive. Just showing up and doing your job isn't enough.
6. True 9-5 jobs that can support a family are rare today. You probably need to work more than 40 hours a week and/or be available virtually in the evenings and weekends. Often high paying jobs that don't require that are earned after a decade or two of blood, sweat, and tears in more junior roles. These days many people need more than one job just to support themselves. If it feels like your partner always needs to work - they probably do.
What else should be added to this list?
We all have blind spots and this is about understanding, not blaming. Please keep it kind and non-judgmental.
Nicole and Casey
