03/10/2024
**Long Post Alert**
**Moment of Transparency from a mother that has buried 1 and raised 4 as a single parent**
Sometimes I look in the mirror and hope to see the woman of strength that so many people see when they look at me. But, I realize that their vision is skewed by the idea what they think a strong woman is. The truth is, my children saved my life. I know, that phrase is used so loosely by those that don’t understand the humility behind the context. However, if I did not have to look at my older two, when they were small, and see that their need for me to be a “normal parent” was far greater than my search for ways to relieve the pain and feelings of guilt from the loss of my youngest son. I would have been dead. Their need for love when I did not know how to love myself, put me on a path of self destruction, trying to fill the void of love that I thought I needed in order to feel whole. My kids all hold a piece of me within their souls.
So, when my son died, so did a piece of me. And once the dust settled and everyone went back to their senses of normalcy, I did not have that anymore. One thing for sure and two things for certain, there is no sense of normalcy when trying to raise children while looking for pieces of yourself to pick up. Seeing your son on the ground filled with water after being pulled from a dunking booth NEVER leaves you. I was never taught how to deal with trauma. So, my older two children did not have the opportunity to have a “whole mother” to raise them. I wasn’t living, I was existing. I was always operating in survival mode and praying that one day they would forgive me for not knowing what to do to help them heal and how to be a “normal parent”. I’m sorry. Survival mode was instinctive as a result of a traumatic childhood and a failed su***de attempt that I am now beyond grateful for.
My older two raised me. Not as them being parent figures for me but, requiring me to mature mentally and emotionally. Without even trying, they made me pause my pitty and grow through grief. In our day to day challenges, I would teach them this ideology:
You are not a failure.
You are not stupid.
You are valuable.
You are not lazy.
You are important.
You are successful.
You will grow up to be legally successful.
It may not have always been in those exact words but I made sure I told them things I wished to have heard while growing up. I was far from perfect as a single parent but, I did the best I knew how to do without a mother and father to raise me. I knew I had to speak life over them because for years I was dead in the inside. Some kind of way, that pity and grief always had a way of showing up. So I did all I could to speak life into them because it would help me feel better. I was later blessed with a set of twin girls that added to my joy of parenting. All four gave me a reason to push past the pain. I still cry. Sometimes sobbing like the day I performed CPR on my son with no result and feeling like Gid had turned his back on me, and then sometimes it’s just a single tear kissing my cheek reminding me that through it all, I AM STILL HERE! Even when my kinfolk, fake friends, Pastors, or people that call me their family turn their backs on me, Ibam reminded that God was there for me the whole time. All I had to do was look up. Thank God for being God alone and for my four children that are not ashamed to call me their mother.
If you have read this and you are the parent of a deceased child, please allow this to encourage you. Also, kowbthat God grants us new mercies every morning. Just take life one minute at a time because one day at a time can be too much to bear. God loves you and so do I.
Please like and share this with a parent of a deceased child.
