04/07/2024
Even police stations can have fun with copywriting.
"Eclipsing for Visitors to Maine"
No one has asked, mainly because they typically ask for directions to the freshest doughnuts, our badge number, or inform us that they "didn't do it." The latter commentary usually accompanies an index finger pointing to another person in their party or group. It's funny; I mean, it was funny in the early 80s.
We gathered a group of great minds and developed some tips for those driving through Maine for the eclipse. They are in no particular order, of course. If you find something suitable for you and your fellow travelers, throw it on your to-do list. If there's nothing helpful, ask for our badge numbers.
1. Carry snacks and water—if you've not been here before, we don't have convenience stores on every corner. Sometimes, we don't even have a corner. There are just lots of straight roads with holes placed strategically. Frankly, the roads are not all that straight, but I was upfront about the holes. Check your tire pressures. There are very few air pumps at the gas stations you won't find. That leads us to number two.
2. It is a good idea to ensure you have enough gasoline to make it from our border at New Hampshire—just one liquor store from the border of Massachusetts —all the way to Canada. If you see a gas station, swing in and top off. If there's a line, consider breaking into your extra gasoline supply. While jerry cans are an option, most of today's automobiles only have room for up to three of the five-gallon containers in the backseat. That might necessitate leaving one or two kids at home. Bring only the children who seem interested. More importantly, bring only the ones who are well-behaved. That will mean better mileage anyway.No, we do not have daycare at the Bangor Police Department. We have a stuffed Duck, but we will get to that.
For those bringing an electric car, reconsider. Last summer, I had to offer snacks and water to a family driving a Tesla and hauling a camper out Rt 9 toward Canada. Suddenly, when the car was slowing to a stop, they were stuck with the realization that it was a bad idea. Adding a camper to an electric vehicle's workload was deemed JPS (Just Plain Silly) by everyone driving past their stationary location. Most of the passersby pointed at them. The folks lived, but not because there was any handy electricity. I think they had some folding scissors and ketchup packets for survival reasons; bring those, too. You might have a better plan, but remember I mentioned it here. I'm retired, but my badge number was 702.
3. Do not stop in the middle of the road to watch the eclipse. If you have not reached the optimum viewing areas, and are stuck in the "Path of Probably," pull to the side of the travel lane. Use caution. Oh, you should have brought some boots. Not only will they be handy if you have to run into the woods to p*e, but most ditches in Maine have been prefilled with snow, slush, and water—specifically for this event. Extra socks are a great idea. You can use them to line the tree stumps and fallen spruce trees to keep your buttocks warmer if doody calls. Shake off the ticks once you have completed your business.
4. Bring a coat, maybe two. We use coats for the same reason you do. While we expect summer-like blue skies and warm temperatures, it will get dark for a few minutes. You'll need to stay cozy while scraping the almost instantaneous layers of frost from the lenses of your eclipse shades. That's information you aren't going to get from the clerk at the 7-Eleven; we don't have any of those anyway.
5. If you have some time, either on the way to or from your PVA (Planned Viewing Area), swing by the Bangor Police Department and have your photo taken with Marginally World Famous Bangor Police Department Duck of Justice. Google it if you've never heard of his worldwide fame. If you wear your eclipse glasses for your photograph, please send them to me at [email protected]. I promise to ensure you are featured on our Marginally World Famous page. Please provide me with some information in the email so we can recognize you and your friends and family.
6. Be cautious, plan, and be kind. Avoid staring at the phenomenon without ISO 12312-2 protective eyewear. Don't wear them while driving, those things are dark. Don't park in the travel lane. Plan for fuel stops, whether you are propelled by gasoline or electricity. Have a jacket, and bring snacks. Oh, and extra socks for reasons previously given.
Enjoy the eclipse.
Keep your hands to yourself, leave other people's things alone, and be kind to one another.
LT(RET) Tim Cotton
BPD
