Mediation With Kindness

05/28/2024

Judges will listen to your position and make a ruling based on the law, but there's no room for trying to understand each person's "Why." Let's say you're getting a divorce and the two cars are being considered in the property split. The judge will look at the value of each car, the debt owed on either or both of them, and then make a ruling. Party A gets Car X and owes $2k to Party B who keeps the lesser-valued Car Y. It's all "fair" in terms of the money involved.

In mediation, Party B may live across the street from the school the children attend and needs a car for driving clients. Car X is the smaller, nicer car and better suited for the work. Party A needs to bring the children across town for school and prefers the larger, family-friendly Car Y. With each getting the car that better suits their needs, they may prefer not to have any exchange of money but, rather, for each to take on the car payments associated with the car they keep. Because their underlying interests were met, they are more likely to agree and be satisfied with the outcome.

We tend to approach disputes with a position. "I want half of everything! I will do everything I can to hurt you!" A good mediator will help you move from positions to interests.

I'd love to help you resolve your disputes. Even if you aren't headed to court, we may be able to avoid that entirely. You can dm me or email me [email protected]

05/21/2024

Behind the dispute is anger, behind the anger is fear, behind the fear is love (or the need to be loved, right?) I'm loosely quoting Ken Cloke, a mediator who has circled the globe. I had the opportunity to learn from him last week. Can I share with you a powerful story that he told?

A woman who had been the president of her local teachers' union lost an election and after 20 years was back in the classroom. Things weren't going well and she was yelling at other teachers in front of the children. Ken described her language as including some "world class" swear words. He was asked to meet with her and the teachers involved to try to work things out.

It might be worthwhile to stop and imagine what might be the very best outcome you could expect in such an environment. Steely, polite relations with a commitment to civil language going forward? Getting her to resign or retire? Reassignment to a different school or an administrative position?

Prepare to be schooled!

As he listened to both sides he recognized that this woman was prepared for the fight. After years of work in the union she could marshall her facts and present her case; she was there to battle and was admitting no fault and taking no blame. Despite all the dynamics going on, he found himself feeling some sympathy for her. He asked himself what would have to happen to him in order for him to act in such a matter. He turned to her and said, "Excuse me, can I interrupt you? Has anyone ever thanked you for what you've done for this school?" The woman burst into tears and said no one ever had. He stopped the process and asked each of the other teachers to share something that she had done for them. The entire atmosphere in the room was different. She 'fessed up to the whole thing, the other teachers expressed that they had known she was thrown back in a classroom and they hadn't done anything to help, even though they knew she was struggling.

He then asked the group: "Are we done now?" The woman said, "No. I need to apologize to the rest of the faculty and to the parents." The other teachers offered to go in solidarity with her while she did this. He asked if there were some sort of activity they could plan that would show there had been a shift in their way of being toward each other. They decided that they would hug each other when passing in the hall as an outward expression that they were a different now.

He summed up the source of this dispute when he said, "She could perfectly defend herself against criticism, but couldn't handle a compliment." Behind the dispute was anger, behind the anger was a feeling of being unappreciated and out of her league (would she even remember how to run a classroom after 20 years?). The solution was so simple that it defies description and it took an intuitive mediator to bring it about with a perfectly formulated question. I will link his most recent book in the comments.

Photo by Noah Buscher on Unsplash

05/17/2024

I attended this symposium at the UofU today. The keynote speaker (on the flier) has mediated and arbitrated in some amazing situations. I learned so much from him. We also had a chance to hear Governor Cox speak about his Disagree Better initiative.

05/08/2024

Attorneys are very valuable, especially in a complex situation, and can advise you before, during, and/or after mediation. However, you CAN mediate WITHOUT one if you choose. Here are some examples of situations when paying an attorney may not be necessary.

🔺 You and a neighbor disagree on an issue and would like to find a solution without years of litigation.
🔺 You and your spouse have every intention of staying together but there is a substantive issue that would benefit from a third party helping you navigate a beneficial solution.
🔺 A customer is unhappy with your business' product or service and you would like to navigate an outcome, but emotions are high.

Not every disagreement or dispute requires "I'll see you in court!"

If you feel that you need the guidance of an attorney but would like to minimize your expenses, consider these ideas:
❇️ Consult with an attorney to find out what the law requires in your situation, but let them know you plan to mediate on your own behalf
❇️ If the two parties come to an agreement during mediation, have the mediator write up a Memorandum of Understanding (MOU). You can take that to an attorney for review before signing. In Utah, only written and signed contracts are enforceable so your MOU is not binding until a document (the MOU or other form) is signed.
❇️ If you do not come to an complete agreement during mediation, you and the other party may have resolved some of the outstanding issues and the scope of the litigation will be reduced. Fewer issues mean fewer hours spent by the attorneys which results in a lower legal bill.

Mediators generally charge $100-300 an hour and have a two-hour minimum. My rate is $50 an hour with a four-hour minimum. My rate is lower and my minimum is higher because I don't want the parties feeling like they have to rush through important matters. In effect, you will get half a day with me for the cost of one hour with most mediators.

Please feel free to dm me or email [email protected]

04/24/2024

When a dispute is taken to court, a judge decides the outcome. That's obvious, because that's what judges do, but not necessarily ideal. In a mediation, the parties can come to the best solution. Litigation tends to drive parties further apart as they dig their heels into their “positions.” A mediator can help facilitate the exploration of possible options that satisfy the underlying interests of each party.

Self-determination includes the right of either party (or the mediator) to conclude the mediation at any time. You don't have to agree to anything (and may prefer to put it in a judge's hands), but at least you've had the opportunity to explore possible ways of solving the problem without having an answer dictated upon you by someone who doesn't have any skin in the game.

Let's say you have a dispute with a neighbor over the property line between your homes. You have a survey done and the neighbors built the fence six feet into your property. It's been there for a decade, you've both landscaped accordingly and their pool house is built right next to the fence. A judge might rule that the fence has to be moved or that the number of years the fence has been there means your neighbor gets the land. There may be appeals and tens of thousands of dollars spent on attorneys. You hate each other no matter how it turns out. What if, instead, you talked about it and saw the wisdom of a creative solution. You come to an agreement that the neighbors pay you an agreed upon amount for the land plus a percentage of your property tax in arrears since they had use of land that you paid taxes on. The property line is redrawn to reflect the reality of the fence line. Now you are compensated and have the funds to build the covered porch you have always wanted. Both parties recognize that an injustice occurred (possibly by accident) but there was no need to go scorched earth on the solution.

04/17/2024

Did you know that nothing said in mediation can be used against you in court? Or shared on social media? That the parties can't subpoena the mediator or her notes?

Mediation is a place for two parties to safely look for creative solutions to their dispute or disagreement.

There's a great story in the mediation world that illustrates why you want to leave open the possibility of solving the problem in such a way that everyone is happy.

A parent has one orange and two children who want it. If the parent is acting like a judge in a court of law, cutting the orange in half is the obvious solution. But one child wants to make orange juice and the other wants the zest from the peel to make a cake. If the parent finds out what the children's underlying interests are then a better and complimentary solution can be found.

If you're in a mediation, you can explore different options without commiting to any one course of action. You can propose solutions like, "What if I take the rind and you can have the juice?" The confidentiality of the environment helps you to know that, if an agreement isn't made and you go to trial, the other party can't say to the judge, "But she only wanted the rind when we were trying to mediate this issue."

Knowing the process allows for every idea to be considered, frees you both to discuss openly and often results in both parties walking away with a better outcome than a judge whacking that orange in half. 🍊

04/14/2024

I've spent the last year preparing to be the best mediator possible and am ready to launch my business Mediation With Kindness You may want to Like or Follow my page in order to learn more about mediation and about dispute resolution in general. With ZERO followers, you would be in an exclusive group of people at this point!

I would be grateful if you shared my page with anyone you may know who is considering, or in the midst of, litigation. Mediation allows the parties in a dispute to come to creative solutions rather than leaving their fate in the hands of a judge. Parties can choose whether or not to be represented by legal counsel.

Some possible disputes where a mediator could be helpful:

Families who feel blocked in resolving a disagreement
Estate issues
Tenant-Landlord
Business-Customer
Neighbor-Neighbor or Neighbor-Business
Divorce (Utah requires mediation to be attempted)
Division of Personal Property at the time of a Divorce
Divorce Modification
Parent-Time Modification
Custody or Child Support Modification

My training has been through the University of Utah and includes both general mediation techniques, ethics, and practicum, as well as the practical and legal considerations in Family Law. As a result, I am only familiar with the legal requirements in the state of Utah. While I am happy to help with situations in other states, I am unfamiliar with the laws surrounding mediation outside of Utah.

I'm happy to answer any questions you might have and am grateful for any referrals you might send my way!

04/14/2024

I've spent the last year preparing to be the best mediator possible and look forward to helping people come to creative solutions and avoid expensive litigation. You can schedule with me

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