02/23/2022
The 5-minute secret that strengthens every relationship (and makes you more "mindful", too):
My buddy Dave and I take in a Clippers game.
Weāre sitting center court a couple levels up from the floor. The Clippers are down 20 in the second quarter.
āThank you for Alexās gift. Sorry we couldnāt get her attention,ā says Dave.
āNo worries, it was bad timing. She was deep in that video game.ā
āMan, the ipad keeps her entertained. But I worry weāre too disconnected. Iām just as bad as her with work and everything.ā
āThink we all are buddy.ā
āSometimes it feels like weāre on autopilot. Iām around her all the time. But itās not like weāre really there, ya know?ā
āYea. Trace and I work in the same house for hours and maybe say three words to each other. We might as well be in two different states.ā
āSounds familiar. How do we fix it?ā
I put down my bag of popcorn. There are only a few pieces left and all the salt dried my mouth out.
āWell, every day around 3, Trace and I walk Bern together. Sometimes itās for 10 minutes, other times itās an hour. We donāt bring our phones. We just listen to each other. Itās the best part of my day.ā
Dave chews on a Red Vine and smiles.
āYou just gave me an idea. Thanks bro.ā
I think Dave nails it with that term, āautopilotā.
Autopilot represents that unfocused time we spend so much of our day.
That time where work, content, messages, notifications, our own thoughts, steal our attention.
When enough gets stolen, we feel our most cherished relationships slipping away.
Itās like weāre not really there for each other.
But you can change it. And it doesnāt take much.
Schedule a coffee with your significant other.
Take a walk with your kid or teach her how to use a yo-yo.
Share something personal with a friend. Even if youāre at a Clippers game, one meaningful conversation makes a massive difference.
Whatever you do, leave your phone and bring your full energy. Ask questions and listen deeply to each otherās responses.
Practice focused time.
Five focused minutes are worth more than one hundred unfocused.
People feel that difference when you give it to them.
Then they want to give it right back.
After a few exchanges, your cherished relationships show resilience, depth, and meaning.
One thing though, offer focused time unconditionally.
Just because youāre ready to give, doesnāt mean the other person is ready to receive.
Attention elicits attention. The same goes for acceptance and grace.