09/04/2026
Archaeologists have formally withdrawn the asteroid theory after a new excavation revealed that dinosaurs spent their final years waiting for cable uploads to complete.
The revised theory holds that the dinosaurs’ decline was gradual. Large herds reportedly postponed migrations while waiting for vacation footage to back up. Smaller species lost entire afternoons trying to send one 14-second video of a leaf moving in the wind. By the end of the Cretaceous period, scientists believe most dinosaurs have died of boredom.
The research team now recommends that anyone still using cable switch to fiber before another mass extinction event begins from uploading with cable internet.