05/19/2026
An unhinged biography about me

Aleshia: over-caffeinated CEO of survival mode, operator of tiny humans, emotional support provider to literally everyone, and founder of Aleshia’s Kiddos — a daycare empire powered by snacks, chaos, rainbow crafts, and enough Alani Nu and Mountain Dew to medically concern a physician.
Mother of boys. Grandmother. CMA. Daycare provider. Part-time therapist. Full-time hostage negotiator disguised as a woman carrying fruit snacks, wet wipes, and unresolved stress.
Every morning she rises like a battle-worn Victorian woman preparing for conflict, except instead of coffee she cracks open an Alani at 7:12 a.m. like a NASCAR driver entering the final lap. Armed with a messy bun, pure maternal instinct, and enough caffeine to hear colors, she enters the battlefield known as childcare.
Founder of Aleshia’s Kiddos — best described as “half preschool, half WWE SmackDown” — she has mastered the art of saying “we use gentle hands” while internally considering whether she could realistically survive alone in the woods.
Scientists are still trying to understand how one woman can:
• comfort a crying toddler,
• make 14 lunches,
• stop fights over absolutely nothing,
• calculate protein macros,
• mentally budget the electric bill,
• wipe noses,
• and emotionally support grown adults —
all before noon while surviving exclusively on Mountain Dew and spite.
Her daily responsibilities include:
• identifying mystery smells with FBI-level instincts,
• creating themed daycare curriculum at 2 a.m.,
• mentally budgeting in the Walmart parking lot,
• rage-cleaning while muttering “I swear to God,”
• and opening the fridge 14 times hoping groceries magically appeared.
Witnesses confirm she has survived:
• stepping on Legos barefoot,
• hearing “Baby Shark” enough times to qualify as psychological warfare,
• toddlers coughing directly into her bloodstream,
• and checking her bank account like it personally offended her.
Parents describe her as:
“an angel.”
Toddlers describe her as:
“the snack lady.”
Walmart employees describe her as:
“girl… again?”
Despite operating on approximately three hours of sleep and artificial flavoring, Aleshia somehow keeps tiny humans safe, loved, fed, educated, and mostly free from Sharpie-related crimes. She is equal parts loving mama bear, exhausted accountant, short-order cook, therapist, referee, and snack distributor.
She has the reflexes of a ninja from catching toddlers mid-air and the patience of a saint who is one spilled juice cup away from driving into the wilderness and becoming folklore.
Legends say if you hand her construction paper, glue sticks, and an Alani Nu, she can create an entire themed daycare curriculum before sunrise while simultaneously solving three arguments and wondering why someone touched the thermostat again.
Some say she’s holding it all together.
Others say it’s zip ties, Mountain Dew, and blind faith.
Both are correct.
If spotted wandering Walmart staring blankly into the void near the yogurt aisle holding an energy drink and dissociating peacefully, do not approach suddenly. Toss snacks gently and back away slowly.
🤣 Wow I think they nailed it!! ❤️
