04/29/2022
I personally have not or will not give any of my attention to their relationship or the trial, however this piece was so well written around trauma and trauma wounds, I felt it was worthwhile to share.
"Johnny and Amber
I’m sure you’ve heard.
My husband mentioned this morning whilst sipping our iced coffees, taking a boring drive to Mobile to have my oil changed>
& it was obvious his mind was blown with the latest details
"Did you hear" he asked? “She S**T, in HIS BED ! ! ! ”
“She is crazy” he proclaimed, then shot a look my way.
“I mean, obviously they’re both crazy” he quickly answered.
“Or” I began,
“Maybe they both have unhealed trauma and act in the only ways they know how, because that’s what they believe love actually is”
He shot me that “it’s too early for deep convos” look, nodded his head, and turned today’s country back up to 10.
I was raised in and around trauma.
My own family.
Some of my closest friend’s families.
Yelling & Screaming.
Manipulation.
Possession.
Financial belittling.
Self worth questioning.
Worthlessness.
Uselessness.
Unlovable by any “normal” standard to the rest of the world.
Believing at our core, that the only ones who would love us, were the crazy ones.
Love = chaos
Trauma = Lifelong bonding that the rest of the world simply can’t understand.
No one ever s**t on the others pillow from what I can remember, or wrote on the walls in blood. . .but I have my fair share of horror stories that I’d love if they were never, ever broadcast for a general viewing audience. . . for my own sake and the sake of those involved.
The worst part is, not all of those horrible memories are memories from my youth, but also moments from my own marriage, mistakes that I made, from habits I didn’t even realized I’d formed.
I read a quote that said “When you have been raised to believe love is CRAZY, when it doesn’t appear to be, you’ll create your own crazy, simply because it’s what you believe deep down, that love actually is”
We often refer to this as “daddy issues” or being “mentally ill” or “unstable”but at it’s core, it’s unhealed trauma that most of us have no idea we’re even manifesting.
I can count on one hand the number of times my husband has raised his voice at me.
In 16 years, the number of times he’s laid a hand on me remains a zero.
He always walked away when things started to get a bit sideways and yet for years, I questioned how a man so composed could even love me at all.
The movies tell you it’s crazy.
The songs tell you it is.
But yet watching it on court tv tells a different story.
How crazy, is too crazy?
Where is the line?
Between madly in love and just fuggin mad.
I’m going to go off on a limb and tell you how absolutely sad I am for BOTH of them.
I am so sad for Johnny.
I am so sad for Amber.
Sure, they’re celebrities with money and fame, but they represent a much broader demographic of trauma attracting trauma, where neither of them is able to truly help the other out, because truth be told, they don’t know how.
I’m not saying any of it is right.
Don’t misunderstand me.
It’s all wrong.
But it isn’t rare.
There are women in your gated neighborhoods, in your church congregation, at your workplace, teachers in your schools, who are abused regularly. Mentally, physically.
There are men at your office, at your workplace and in your schools and churches who were never taught how to love or be loved. They are manipulated to the point of worthlessness or become manipulators without realizing it.
All they have are the movies.
The sitcoms
The love songs, to teach them what love is.
The worst part is, it's really hard.
Trauma cycles are damn near impossible to escape.
I have spent the past ten years in therapy & have learned that even when we know the opposite of what we currently have is far better for us, as humans we simply can’t help but run to what feels like home, to what we know. . . TRAUMA
I will never ever know why my husband stayed with me, specifically in those early days where I did everything in my power to enrage him, because anger and jealousy and control meant love to me.
It’s taken nearly fifteen years,
but I now know love isn’t telling me I’m worthless.
Love isn’t telling me I’m not talented and unwanted.
Love isn’t crazy “hot” makeup s*x,
after punching a hole in the wall.
Love isn’t buying a nice gift after texting me what a w***e I am.
Love isn’t physically or emotionally damaging.
It’s not draining.
& tbh, most days it doesn’t appear all that exciting.
((because that wouldn’t make for great movies, now would it?)
Love is steady.
Love is constant.
Love is respecting the other person.
Love is being careful with your words
Love is asking for forgiveness.
Love is sharing financially.
Love is having and actively practicing SELF control
Johnny and Amber are proof that no amount of money, no amount of fame, no amount of good looks, no amount of great friends, no amazing careers or luxury homes or lifestyles can help most of us escape the trauma we grew up in or around.
The EXACT SAME TRAUMA that allows NEARLY ALL comedians, writers, singers, artists, actors and actresses to transform into the characters or create the works of art that we all know and love. . . is the same trauma that ends up ruining relationships and lives, and if we learn nothing else from this, I hope we have learned that.
TRAUMA MUST BE DEALT WITH AND HEALED FOR THE CYCLE TO END
Many of us don’t get the husband I got & even more of us don’t find ourselves in therapy until it’s too late. . . but thankfullybetween and an incredible therapist, I learned to unlearn all the ways in which I perceived love > >
& did so before it was too late > > >
I discovered the cycle and continue to work daily to stop it
- - - - -
Dear Johnny, Amber, young kids in broken homes everywhere,
& the vast majority of young marriages out there where ONE or BOTH partners have unresolved trauma.
TRAUMA IS NOT YOUR FAULT
BUT HEALING IS ABSOLUTELY YOUR RESPONSIBILITY
& if I of all people can do it,
I promise, you can too! ! !
oxo
“ What happened to you was not your fault.
It was not something you asked for, it was not something you deserved.
What happened to you was not fair.
You were merely collateral damage on someone else’s warpath, an innocent bystander who got wrecked out of proximity.
We are all hurt by life, some of us from egregious wrongdoings, others by unprocessed pain and sidelined emotions. No matter the source, we are all handed a play of cards, and sometimes, they are not a winning hand.
Yet what we cannot forget is that even when we are not at fault, healing in the aftermath will always fall on us — and instead of being burdened by this, we can learn to see it as a rare gift.
Healing is our responsibility because unprocessed pain gets transferred to everyone around us.
Healing is our responsibility because every great person you deeply admire began with every odd against them, and learned their inner power was no match for the worst of what life could offer.
Healing is our responsibility because “healing” is actually not returning to how and who we were before,
it is becoming someone we have never been — someone stronger, someone wiser, someone kinder.
When we heal, we step into the people we have always wanted to be.
We are not only able to metabolize the pain, we are able to affect real change in our lives, in our families, and in our communities.
We are able to pursue our dreams more freely.
We are able to handle whatever life throws at us, because we are self-efficient and assured.
We are more willing to dare, risk, and dream of broader horizons, ones we never thought we’d reach..
We are not meant to get through life unscathed.
We are not meant to get to the finish line unscarred, clean and bored.
Life hurts us all in different ways, but it is how we respond — and who we become —
that determines whether a trauma becomes a tragedy, or the beginning of the story of how the victim became the hero. “
-January Nelson
