08/15/2023
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The easiest story to write is my own, or so I say. But recently I am not so sure.
I was chatting with a friend about her transition and we discussed briefly the decision for bottom surgery. She is not ready and it is not something to take on lightly in any sense. Each of us has our own journey that takes us to our destination and the path is unknown if the destination is unknown. That is her case. Surgery is an irreversible action, there must be absolutely no doubt and 110% accepting of the outcome and all it’s consequences without exception. Do not leave room for failure.
And there are many consequences.
Transitioning comes with many cost, emotional, mental, relationships, monetary, and not least physical. Each one of these is real and each must be addressed fully to successfully make the transition. Along the journey were a lot of planning, failures and re-do’s, discovery, succusses and celebrations.
For many years her path was mine too, and as they say, until it wasn’t. At one point for me uncertainty was replaced with certainty. In some ways it was much like when I knew, deep down inside that I had to shed my male mantle and take on a female one. Once my decision was clear all the inner doubt went away. It was not without a lot of mental, emotional and physical struggle. Once it was resolved I had clarity, purpose, and a great weight lifted from my shoulders. No one told me it was the right thing to do, I didn’t “discover” myself in a chat room, magazine article or at the LGBT center. I knew it was right when I found it. In the end it was my dysphoria that spoke in the clearest and loudest terms.
Early in my life I didn’t know, who or what I was. Like a lot of young people I was lost and initially guided by tradition, social norms etc. I did this for many, many years. Still, even then, I was driven by my dysphoria. I just didn’t know what it was and was manifest in different ways. As I said, until it wasn’t. At first it was just figuring out that my male mind liked me looking like myself as a female body. I was still happy as a male then, still happy to have male organs etc. and act male away from being Kimmi. I lived two cultures, male and cross dresser. I soon discovered that I was living two lives, and that can get complicated.
Eventually part time wasn’t sufficient for me and I set my life up (at great cost) to live as a transwoman, albeit with a p***s. This was sufficient for several years, and I lived in the transwoman with a p***s culture. This is not the same as living as a male and not the same as living as a female either. It’s living the trans culture life. I had broken up with my girlfriend, who in no way understood what I needed to do, and floated around for a bit before moving in as a roommate with a cis woman. A friend.
This exposed me to another culture. To tell the truth one with better stability. Well, therapy helped too. It wasn’t trans therapy it was therapy for my mind and life. To settle myself down internally. To accept happiness. The biggest thing that I learned from living with a cis woman was how to be, that is act, look, feel, and understand what being a female is all about. Don’t get me wrong, I accept that I will never be a genetic female, but I can be best transwoman possible. What I discovered was this, female life and culture, was what had always been missing from my life. I thought that I had it figured out before, but I was wrong, there was more and once again I had found it.
My dysphoria latched onto this and I realized that a major internal culture inside me had changed. I went from being p***s-centric to vaginal-centric. Don’t get me wrong. I didn‘t hate or despise my p***s, it was no longer the focus on who or what I was. I think that if I had lived with a man or trans person I would never have discovered this.
