02/04/2024
My mental and physical health is an ever-changing circumstance in my life learned experience. The pain endured in my years of incarceration, the fears and uncertainty during those years are invisible scars that are unseen to those who don't know me or are oblivious because of their own experiences that tend to differ from those like me, traumatized by it. I may seem to have the strength to overcome daily, however don't let my smile be what I am actually enduring!
I have my weaknesses, my allocated memory of a life walked in tormented torture. In the moment of good times, my relived experience comes without notice, dropping me from on high to a severe low, as if the roller-coaster ride of mental anguish and pain. Yes, there are those moments that I have the wherewithal to see my pain as a contribution to a life-long experience toward a humane system of justice, yet the question will always remain, To what end!
I have been lately experiencing a bout of serious depression, feelings of severe anxiety, isolation and lack of interest in any activity, keeping totally to myself the pain endured. I am slowly returning to some semblance of cognitive understanding, which I share today, is what brings me to social media and embarking on my own wonders and misgivings. What has kept me on my toes is the exposure of what is behind the cause of my pain. Racism first experienced in my own neighborhood by individuals who were conditioned to believe themselves best on account of the color of their skin, followed by the suborned racism of a system of government all under the ideology of the 13th Amendment exception that resulted in a brutal beating at the hands of racist State sponsored agents, and four (4) years of Government sponsored solitary confinement.
If not for my higher power and faith, I would have been the broken down severely mentally challenged person that I see in many of my comrades who are either unable to manage their lives as any other normal individual absent the trauma experienced in the appropriately entitled "Belly of the Beast" for which many have endured under the mass incarceration era of my time and decades before. I am studious, litigious and aggressive when stable enough to be. There are still moments of nostalgic accolades that today seem to reignite the flames of anger, seeing the poor, the homeless and the mentally traumatized criminalized for what the system has created and exacerbate today.
I need not apologize to anyone for being me, isolated, distant and owning to my space. I just ask that I be respected and accepted when I do return from the depths of the hellish mental memory of torment that many of us handle differently. I love all of my people, small and great, family and friends. I am just me, Victor. Everyone Freedom Agenda Community Sarita Daftary Peggy Herrera Grace Ortez Ash Lynn Darren Mack Edwin Santana Ramon Guzman Penny Monge Savi Merced Sandy Monge Magdalena Monge
