11/15/2013
Too often it is easy for us to get caught up in our own crap that we forget to show up for others in a way that would truly benefit them. I have a buddy who I once played with (and totally fell for) who I've watched go down the route of so many gay men whose childhoods continue to control them: gym, lots of s*x with muscle men, more gym, lots more s*x, tons more gym, but at the end of the day it's still not enough. I have kept in touch with him but his responses to me have been short and distant, and sometimes there's no response at all. Having always felt awkward and unwanted myself, of course I went to a place of rejection to validate my inner child's belief that nobody loves me and that I'll never measure up to the "popular kids" (or, in adult Ken's world, the "hot guys"). I wanted to relay a message of concern for my buddy, but in coming from my feeling of rejection, but the only thing he could hear was criticism, even though my words were full of compliments about how hot he's always been to me. The response I received was angry, defensive, bitter and righteous, and immediately I knew I'd made a mistake. (Ken's Foot, meet Ken's Mouth.) Not in speaking up, but in how I did it. I wanted to hide my feelings of rejection so I didn't come off as needy, but I was hurting, and instead I only insulted him. I think we are working it out -- I've confessed all the stuff that was partially motivating my way of addressing the issue while I clarifying that I truly only care that he love himself and realizes how hot he is when he looks in the mirror -- but it's taught me another valuable lesson on the need for absolute authenticity at all times. People need for us to be real about what WE are going through in order for them to be real in return. Hiding our feelings only creates distance and alienation. Be courageous: BE REAL.
