02/02/2022
Fix it or listen?
Everyone Is God speaking. Why not be polite and Listen to Him?
Hafez
One of the most common things people tell me when I ask what they want to do for work, or what they love to do, is, “I love to help people”. And I know they mean it.
However, there is a pitfall in helping others: It seems like we know what is wrong and what there is to do to help the other see what we see so they can ‘get better’. This is a professional version of giving advice. And I know of no one, ever, who really wants advice. What people really want is to feel better, to have peace of mind as they go about their daily lives.
So, how do we actually help people, since that is what our heart desires?
Hafez had it right with the quote, above. Somewhere along the line listening became obsolete, as though it were in the way of an efficient conversation. Imagine if someone you know actually trusted you and themselves enough to listen to your point of view fully? And to consider it as though it might be new information?
I once had a conversation like this on a plane going across the country. Now, when I fly (or used to fly), I like to snooze or curl up with a good book, or both. However, on this flight, I sat next to a young man who was mid-western friendly, scrupulously polite, and curious about who I was. He asked if I was going home, and when I said no, I was going to do some consulting work, he asked me about that work. Being somewhat naïve about the mid-west, I told him a colleague and I were going to support Planned Parenthood with some staff issues. There was a pause, and he said, can I ask you some questions?
For the rest of the flight, we respectfully spoke about our ideas regarding abortion and a women’s right to choose. It was 20 or more years ago and I still remember the astounding nature of having a conversation about a charged topic with none of the charge in the conversation. It was an experience of wanting to know another, and feeling known by another.
I came away from the conversation with a whole new perspective, though my choices might still be the same. However, that conversation continues to allow me to see people who have another view of the topic as whole, sane and compassionate human beings, not people who are one-dimensionally obstinate and wrong. It was one of the loveliest experiences I’ve ever had. And in that conversation was the possibility of the whole world for a moment being unstuck from positions about a topic, and instead, having creativity and wisdom inform the conversation.
The trick is to give up that anyone who doesn’t hold your point of view is wrong. Why not ask questions to see if you can hear something new about their point of view? That doesn’t mean you have to give up your view. It just means that the conversation can move to a new place, which it might desperately need to do.
Take a deep breath and try this. And notice the moods that course through you at the beginning. If you can breathe through those moods and let them pass by, you may be startled by what you hear (in a good way!) Let me know how it goes!
