Princeton Counseling and Parenting Center

12/21/2021

How To Avoid Self-Sabotage When Going Through Divorce

Self-sabotage. We’ve all done it. But when we do it while going through a life-changing process such as divorce and trying to come out better on the other side, it can be very problematic.

Self-sabotage can prevent you from reaching your goals, and in a divorce that can have dire consequences. Understanding why self-sabotage occurs can help stop it. People sabotage themselves because they have self-doubt and a loss of confidence, both of which happen with divorce. You may doubt that you can make good decisions because your marriage failed. You may question your ability to support yourself as your financial picture changes. You may feel like a bad parent because your children are struggling. But these thoughts are not true and you need to be able to bring yourself back to reality.

How do you overcome these negative thoughts so you can face the realness of divorce confident and strong? Here are several strategies that can help:

Write down your negative thoughts -

Write down the negative thoughts as you’re having them. If you’re saying to yourself things like:

I won’t be able to support myself and my kids.
I’m not a good parent.
This is going to be like this forever.
We’re never going to sell our house.

How do these thoughts make you feel? These negative thoughts impact the way you feel. Notice the judgment and negative assumptions. Take a deep breathe and slow down your thoughts by writing them down.

Write down the answer to this question for each thought - what is the evidence that this thought isn’t true?

Think of all of the times you’ve made good decisions, been financially stable and have been a good parent. That doesn’t go away. Write down facts about who you really are – as if you were talking to your friend when they're feeling bad about themselves. Ask yourself:

What do I love about myself?
What am I proud of?
What am I good at?
How far have I come?

Replace it!

Replace the negative thoughts with positive phrases:

I am incredible.
I am strong.
I’ve done really incredible things.
I’ve raised amazing kids.
I am a force to be reckoned with.
I’ve got this.

You’ll be amazed how much different you feel when you change your self-talk.

Self-sabotage can prevent you from moving forward in your divorce process. If you’re able to change your self-talk to be positive, you’ll be amazed at how you’ll become more confident and you’ll feel more peace and happiness in your life.

12/16/2021

4 Tips to Make the Holidays Happy for your Children When Going Through Divorce

While the holidays can bring excitement, they can also bring stress, especially when a family is going through divorce. Families struggle around who to spend the holidays with, what traditions to continue and what new traditions to begin.
Here are a few tips on how to not only survive the holidays, but create holiday memories that will be happy and long-lasting, even if your family is going through divorce.
1) Focus on what’s best for your children
Regardless of what each family or divorced parent wants to do, the priority should always be on the children and what’s best for them. This means that if your son or daughter wants to go to your exes’ house to visit grandma, you need to put aside your feelings towards your former partner and be supportive. This can be difficult, as you navigate the sadness, loneliness or other difficult emotions. Take this time to get emotional support from your support system. If you don’t have one, build one by joining a support group, finding a therapist or divorce coach or reaching out to friends and family.
Don’t punish your ex or use your children as bargaining chips. If you won’t allow your children to see their other parent during the holidays, and your children want to, you’re hurting your children. Try to carve out some time – maybe an hour or two – for them to see each other. While this is difficult, it is best for your children. And it will create a better co-parenting relationship for the future when you’ll ask something of your ex.
2) Have a clear plan
Talk to your ex in detail about what the holiday will look like, the schedule you will stick to as well as pick up and drop off times. Remember there will be a lot of compromise needed from both ends. It may help to write it in an email so that you can refer back to it if necessary. Remember, communication is key for this to work.
3) Prepare your children for the changes
The way that you celebrate this holiday will be unfamiliar to your child which can create stress for him or her. It’s important that you talk to your children and tell them what to expect this year. Unlike other years, this holiday will be split between two homes or it might be spent with one person’s family on Christmas eve and another’s on Christmas day. Ask your children questions – how are you feeling about the holiday? What would make it easier for you? What are you most excited about? What are you least excited about? When children are given the chance to openly talk about their feelings, they feel less anxious. Tell them to have fun with the other parent and to enjoy their time and don’t make your child feel guilty about spending time with your former partner or their family. Reassure them that you will be ok when they’re not with you. The main goal of the holidays is to spend time with your loved ones, and that’s exactly what you should be encouraging your children to do.
4) Have patience with the changes and be kind to yourself
The loss of the intact family will be an adjustment hurt for everyone, but it won’t be as difficult as time passes. As you move forward, you’ll choose which traditions to keep and you’ll make new ones. Children are extremely resilient and will look forward to your new traditions and getting to celebrate with both families in different ways.
For more of my blogs:

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My purpose is to help women in transition uncover their hidden genius so they can move from surviving to thriving each day.

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Divorce Coach Jill's informative blog on many important issues related to divorce and co-parenting such as peaceful co-parenting and is forgiveness possible after divorce.