03/05/2021
Prowess With Pronouns
I received a call last week from the parent of a recent college grad whom I coached last year and was now seeking help in his job search.
“Oh, and you should know since you last saw him — rather, them, they now identify as non-binary and prefer using they/them pronouns. And, should you coach other clients like this,” she continued, “many use she and he interchangeably.”
“Yes, I understand.” I thanked her for the update and quickly googled non-binary, gender neutral to refresh my current understanding and uncover additional insights that might support our work.
“Also, they’re very sensitive to correct references,” she continued. “But please don’t be intimated. I’m going to forward a gender cheat sheet when we hang up. But just know it’s best if you reference him, I mean them, as they/them in your meeting.”
“I see.” I assured her that I’ve worked with several young adults who’ve expressed similar preferences and would do my best to honor his preferences and reflect that in our conversation.
“They’re looking for help on the resume, interview prep., cover letters, all uniformly reflecting the correct gender references,” she went on.
So, here’s what I’ve learned and passing along from reliable sources:
More and more people are using gender-neutral pronouns. In 2015, of the 4,000 students at Harvard who’d submitted preferred pronouns; specifically, 1% chose pronouns other than “he” or “she.” I also learned that Merriam-Webster made the singular gender-neutral use of “they” its word of the year, based on the fact that it had seen a 300% increase in searches for its definition this year. Guess if you count me, 301%.
The reasons behind choosing gender neutral pronouns are complex and vary as much as the individuals identifying with them. (And by “them,” I mean the colloquial pronoun reference, not the gender neutral, singular or plural pronounce reference, referenced in this post.) Got that?! Some people do it because they don’t feel they fit into a gender. For others, it’s a form of protest: the gender non-conformists.
Let’s talk plural?
While it’s no longer grammatically incorrect to use they/them as singular, many remain confused about which to chose and when.
Try this: When using the pronoun in a scenario where there’s no confusion over singular versus plural, go ahead and use it (“You are going to meet my friend, F***y today, I hope you like them”).
In a scenario where the pronoun might be misconstrued as plural, change the first part of the sentence to make it clear (“I may bring a friend, their name is F***y”).
“A piece of closing advice, if I may?” she asked.
“All ears.”
“Encourage an open dialogue. They’ll likely be more patient with you than they were with me. It’s a mom thing. If you’re second guessing, just ask him – sorry – them if you got it right? Trust me, you’ll be fine. Just practice and it will feel normal in no time.”
As as I hung up the phone, what resonated the most wasn’t whether I might fumble over my pronouns, running the risk of offending or alienating this young man. What was at risk was losing perspective, misplacing the emphasis and my attention to promote my prowess with pronouns. This young man, like so many young adults on the threshold of launching their careers, launching their lives, are struggling with the fundamental question of WHO am I? Where do I fit in this very confusing and chaotic place and time? How and where will I make a meaningful contribution in this life, independent from others’ expectations and opinions?
Individual pronouncements of pronoun preferences may be a legitimate expression of one’s individuality today more than ever, but the simple language exchanged between human beings, forging a meaningful connection, ensuring young people in particular feel respected, seen, and accepted doesn’t require a cheat sheet.
