Alica Forneret

Alica Forneret I am Alica Forneret, a writer creating and curating support resources about grief. I'm also a member of the since 2016.

This week is the six year anniversary of my mom’s death. And this year it feels particularly challenging because it’s my...
10/04/2022

This week is the six year anniversary of my mom’s death. And this year it feels particularly challenging because it’s my first time hitting this milestone day with a baby of my own. A new version of myself and my family. A version she isn’t here to hug and smile at and a baby she can’t cover in her always-worn dark red lipstick.

I knew that some of these dates would be hard (baby’s first Christmas ~ she would have STACKED that gift pile with wacky things; his first birthday ~ she would have planned a blowout and invited all the strangers like the ones who showed up at her funeral) but this date feels particularly s**t because all this date is is a reminder of the fact that she’s not here. ☹️

This is the very last text she sent me though. Whenever I look at it I’m kind of shocked that I got such a cliche last text from my mom, reminding me she will always miss me… just days before she died. And that we would talk on the weekend.

I was in a session with the incredible the other day and Charlene spoke about the winter coat her mom bought right before she died, thinking she would be around for many winters to come. In that conversation our group talked about what the things left behind mean for our relationship with the person now. I think this text, though not technically tangible like a coat, is an example of my mom thinking she would even make it to the following weekend and didn’t. But she did leave me with something I could hold onto in our continuing yet distant relationship today. Which was her validating that wherever I am, wherever she is, she will miss me forever.

One silver lining to what used to be “the month my mom died”… this month is now also the anniversary of when I officially founded PAUSE and & I had our first board meeting. I realized that on a call this week and it made me deeply emotional. To know that these milestone dates can stir such grief. But that grief can finally be held alongside something beautiful and huge and something I’m proud of. Something my mom would have been proud of. Something my mom IS proud of. 💜 🌻 🪶

A few weeks ago I officially launched PAUSE, a new nonprofit that I'm building to support Communities of Color through g...
11/30/2021

A few weeks ago I officially launched PAUSE, a new nonprofit that I'm building to support Communities of Color through grief and end of life. And since that launch, I've been asked, "So, why?" Why am I creating this? Why did I leave my full-time job for this? Why does the world need this? ⁠
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So on our very first , I'd like to share part of my ~ why ~ ⁠
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When my mom died, I quickly found that I needed help. From the internet, from friends, from fam, from books, from memes ~ from wherever I could find it. And once I started looking I found that a lot of what I was finding was *technically* useful... but people penning the books and blogs and articles didn't look like me. They didn't talk like me. They didn't resonate on a level that resources I eventually found did.⁠
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So, I dug deeper. I created my own resources to be a reflection for people. And I started looking for spaces where I felt seen and heard without having to say anything. And the first time that happened was in a private space for WOC run by (the amazing) Rachel Ricketts and Anita Cheung.
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I walked into one of their WOC meetups and burst into tears. Because I emotionally and physically felt the importance of processing grief, trauma, and pain surrounded by People of Color.⁠
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Throughout my work these years, I've found myself trying to recreate a grief and end-of-life-focused version of that space. And for me, in this moment, in this work, and in my career ~ that will manifest as PAUSE. ⁠
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I don't just want people to feel that support and connection in a private room in one city. I want people to feel that support and connection in the hospital. In their social circles. In the providers they hire. In the systems that need fixing. In the resources Google surfaces. In the events they can attend. In the words their carers use.⁠
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So, to achieve that... What I ask of you is to support PAUSE in achieving that ambitious AF goal.⁠
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Our goal is $5,000! So I invite you to contribute what you can. I invite you to share this far and wide. And I invite you to think of any other ways you can support someone who is grieving these days. ⁠
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🥰 Thank you! And here we gooo!

The year after my mom died I was working at an office. I was told that when we come to the office it’s a place for ~ doi...
11/20/2020

The year after my mom died I was working at an office. I was told that when we come to the office it’s a place for ~ doing business ~ … thus apparently not being human…!?⁠⠀
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This attitude about grief at work shifted SO much in me - what I put up with, who I am employed by, and what kinds of workplaces I want to build with my work.⁠⠀
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So when agreed to have me write this piece about grief AND race at work, it was a dream come true. Here’s an excerpt - I invite you to read the full piece (link in bio) if you’re also asking these questions: “is it reason enough to leave work early because you can’t do anything but be distracted by the murder of a black man who looks like you or your son or your father or your brother? Is it justifiable to take days off when your grief is compounded with stress and leads to burnout six, nine or 12 months after George Floyd and Breonna Taylor’s faces first made the news?⁠⠀
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If an organisation’s answer to those questions is no, and if employers will not adjust bereavement policies to accommodate black grief at this moment, how can they find a way to provide authentic, impactful support for employees who are struggling to balance their grief and tasks?”⁠⠀
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Huge thanks to - for your voices and support⁠⠀
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If you’re interested in learning more about how to manage your own grief or a colleague’s grief, you can also check out my new offering with 👯 link in bio ⁠⠀
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Grief in the pandemic has gotten real ~ weird ~ amiright? Layers on layers on layers of new feels, new restrictions, old...
11/17/2020

Grief in the pandemic has gotten real ~ weird ~ amiright? Layers on layers on layers of new feels, new restrictions, old memories, and the same freakin’ cycle of holidays is bringing up all kinds of feels...⁠⠀
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So I’m bringing my newsletter back to life, and we’re talking all things pandemic grief, normal grief, and more⁠⠀
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Stoked to feature:⁠⠀
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My friends at talking about grief and COVID⁠⠀
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Megan over at talking about grief and anxiety⁠⠀
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The lovely Alua at musing on COVID and death⁠⠀
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Podcasts from and ⁠⠀
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Plus events from .round.glass and ⁠⠀
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and more from yours truly⁠⠀
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Sign up for The Mourning Herald newsletter today and get it straight to your inbox Wednesday morning. Link in bio, my loves ❤️🗞️❤️

We all need a little extra support this year. So here’s a few ways to show up for the people in your life that might be ...
11/03/2020

We all need a little extra support this year. So here’s a few ways to show up for the people in your life that might be grieving.⁠⠀
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☎️ Shoot them a text, give them a call, send them a GIF, or forward along one of these tiles. Yes, it can be THAT easy.⁠⠀
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Even if you feel like you’ve dropped the ball, you can always pick up the phone. Even if you feel like it’s been too long to contact them, it likely hasn’t been. Even if you worry that you won’t say the right thing, you might not. But you tried!⁠⠀
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4 ways to start the conversation:⁠⠀
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1. Start simple: reach out by simply… reaching out. Start somewhere, start simple. You don’t have to launch into a 20 page message about how you’ve been busy or distracted or too stressed to message them. Just start somewhere, start simple.⁠⠀
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2. Ask a question: This is where lots of ppl get held up. Am I asking the right one? Am I asking the right way? Am I asking at the right time? Ask something SPECIFIC, kind, and something you authentically want to know the answer to so that you are prepared to respond.⁠⠀
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3. Ask a question about their fam: You might want to check in with your person by indirectly checking in on their family! If you care, then ask.⁠⠀
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4. Share a memory: I LOVE when people text me memories of my mom. It is honestly the best because it’s a sweet surprise that brightens my day. Still reminding me of my grief but with a beautiful nugget of a reminder.⁠⠀
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5. Acknowledge their grief: In some cases you might be the only person willing to do that, so consider how you might make them feel less isolated or confused about their experience, esp if you’ve had your own experience with grief.⁠⠀
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6. Talk about something unrelated: You can talk to ppl about stuff that’s NOT their grief! Just check in, send a meme, make a joke, talk about tv. Just connect.⁠⠀
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Thank you for taking care of your people, people 💞

Grief has been building up in all kinds of ways over the last year, months, weeks, and days. We’re grieving all kinds of...
11/03/2020

Grief has been building up in all kinds of ways over the last year, months, weeks, and days. We’re grieving all kinds of things - personal loss, loss of safety, loss of hope, and loss of normalcy 💙💛💜💚🧡 so it’s been one hell of a year and our grief has been along for the ride 😅 This means it’s extra important to care for yourself when things feel particularly hard or disorienting, because even during the hard weeks it’s still hangin’ around. And sometimes you’ve just gotta make space for it, instead of shoving it down and hoping it won’t show up 😉⁠⠀
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So here are a few ways to take care of yourself this week.⁠⠀
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🤔 1. Acknowledge that your grief is there. Just knowing, accepting, and acknowledging that it’s OK to be grieving is huge. Recognizing what your grief feels like and how it manifests is an incredible first step toward figuring out how to then care for yourself while you’re feeling the effects of grief. So if you can do one thing this week, just try telling yourself, “it’s ok that I’m grieving. Because DUH - how could I not be!?”⁠⠀
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🛏️ 2. Take breaks when you can. If you feel like you’ve been flying a million miles an hour trying to distract, performing activism, or caring for others in your life - it’s important to rest. Your grief is likely lying underneath the surface (or fully present ON the surface haha) while you’re powering through so make time to rest. To pause. To sleep. To fuel your body so that tomorrow when you wake up and do it all over again, you’ve taken time to recharge your likely worn down batteries.⁠⠀
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👯 3. Connect with your people. At ANY other time of the year, our ~ people ~ can make grief manageable, and in some cases just plain easier to deal with. Your people might be family, friends, colleagues. It also might be grief groups, community members, therapists, or religious figures. Reach out, stay in touch, and receive the support they’ve always been willing to give.⁠⠀
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💙💛💜💚🧡 What are you doing to take care this week?

Communicating through grief can be weiiird! Sometimes we wanna be honest about things being hard, other times it feels t...
10/12/2020

Communicating through grief can be weiiird! Sometimes we wanna be honest about things being hard, other times it feels too tiring, and sometimes we’re doing really well and it can feel weird (unfortunately) to tell people that! I wanted to dig into this concept and provide a few examples of what grief can look like over text - because it can look all kinds of ways! It can look like laughter or good days, when your grieving friend (or self) is on one of the “grief rollercoaster” peaks. It can look like confusion, and not knowing how to answer the question of “how are you?”. It can look like extreme honesty when someone just needs to be left alone, take a break, cancel plans, or take off work.⁠⠀
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And on that note - in terms of what it even FEELS like to send these texts… when we’re the ones grieving, responding to texts, picking up calls, and answering DMs can feel like a chore, amiright? It can feel exhausting. It can feel intimidating. And it can feel frustrating. Sometimes we just want to be left alone. Other times we want everyone to think things are okay. And often it can be hard to find the words to describe how we’re feeling at all.⁠⠀
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And it can be hard to manage from both sides! Reaching out to someone can ALSO be exhausting, intimidating, and frustrating. We stress ourselves out before we even send the text, trying to figure out what to say. We worry we’ll say the wrong thing. And it can be frustrating when you f**k it all up and your person finds your support unsupportive, or your words empty, or your effort pointless.⁠⠀
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All of this is okay. In my opinion and world, what matters is that if you’re reaching out - your support is genuine. No empty promises or saying you’ll do things you don’t wanna do. And if you’re the one being reached out to - your priority should be caring for yourself. We’re already made to feel ~ all kinds of ways ~ when we’re struggling with grief, so adding on the pressure to respond to a million “hi how are you? 😪” texts can be reserved for another day.

09/20/2020

“I thought you were lookin’ at both of us cuz you got two eyes, Mommy” 💕 dad had some videos restored and this one is without a doubt my favourite. There’s something about knowing my mom is off screen but there - watching, supporting, probably mesmerized by us dancing. Always watching (with her two eyes 🤣) then and now. ✨ these videos have made us laugh, they’ve made me cry, and they’ve made me grateful for my dad’s willingness to share these memories with me. 💕 we are a few weeks away from the four year anniversary of her death and I am just highly aware of how much I can ~ feel ~ her around me. I’m not dancing in a tutu, but I’m definitely dancing energetically on the inside as I stretch my skills to expand into new life territories. Thanks for always watching and cheering from the sidelines, mom ✨💕😘

Supporting a friend through grief can be really freakin’ tough. It can be hard to know what to do when your best bud, a ...
09/19/2020

Supporting a friend through grief can be really freakin’ tough. It can be hard to know what to do when your best bud, a family member, or even a colleague is going through the toughest moments of their life. And we often want to help but have no idea where to start, especially if we haven’t experienced a loss ourselves. But! Please please please don’t let that ~ anxiety ~ around doing the right thing or saying the right thing stop you!⁠⠀
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Instead of shying away from an opportunity to support a person you care about, I honestly encourage everyone to just think before they speak, think before they text, and think before they call.⁠⠀
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So here are a few things to think about before you get in touch with a grieving person - hopefully feeling a bit more prepared yourself will help you be more thoughtful, kind, and comfortable as you go down the grief road with your pal.⁠⠀
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🤔👇🏾 If you’re a griever out there, comment to let me know some of the things you wish people would have thought about before they reached out!⁠⠀
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Read the full article I wrote for at the link in my bio

Over the last six months, it might feel like it’s gotten even harder to support someone through their grief - you can’t ...
09/17/2020

Over the last six months, it might feel like it’s gotten even harder to support someone through their grief - you can’t show up at your friend’s house with a bag of food and another full of sequin tops for an impromptu dance night to sweat it all out. You can’t snuggle on the couch and hold their hand while you watch old movies as a distraction. You can’t fly to see them or attend a funeral at the drop of a hat, just to be present.⁠⠀
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And if you’re a griever, things might be feeling extra hard right now - you might not have the physical, in-person support of family and friends (which can make a HUGE difference and be 10000% better than a zoom call). You might be stuck in a place that’s full of painful memories or people that don’t support you in your grief. And you legit might just be bored as hell with none of the distractions that you’d normally use to get a break from the harder days.⁠⠀
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This is just a reminder… the last six months have been F’ing HARD for many of us. The grief we were experiencing before a pandemic, civil rights movement, fires, hurricanes, and more has ALL been compounded with the new, terrible way things have been going in 2020.⁠⠀
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Take it easy on yourself. Take it easy on your friends. Take it easy on your fam. We’re riding this out together, grieving more than we could have ever imagined, and need more support and space and understanding than usual, friends. ⁠⠀
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You can read the full article at the link in my bio ~ there are tips for how to craft messages that’ll make you feel a little closer to your grieving peeps in this time.⁠⠀
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What are some of the ways you’ve found grieving to be harder the last few months?

Anniversaries are weird and hard! 😓 Today is our one-year wedding anniversary and there have been so many mixed emotion...
09/14/2020

Anniversaries are weird and hard! 😓 Today is our one-year wedding anniversary and there have been so many mixed emotions flying around! I Remembering the beautiful moments and knowing my mom wasn’t there, looking through the videos and pictures and not seeing her… it’s all very weird. But I am honestly really grateful for a few special moments that my mom was definitely present for. And I’m also so grateful for my amazing friend and husband who helps me navigate these tricky days 😘😘😘 a few special moments that day... my thoughtful, wonderful in-law family mentioned her repeatedly throughout the day and in their speeches even though they'd never met her. They took these family photos that made me feel like I have family around no matter what. My dad and I did our father-daughter dance to "their song". My aunts and uncles and family were all there to give me teary hugs. And my husband showed the f up as the best rock, friend, human, partner, and hand-holder during the entire day. 💞 One favorite memory that I have was during our first look. Our incredible photographer Jana had started working with me a few years before to do some portraits and I instantly loved her because we shared being in the - working with her felt safe. It was clear that if we were going to have anyone around for our wedding day, it’d be Jana - without question. When I broke into some tears on the stairs, she comforted me and reminded me that though my mom wasn’t there physically, she was all around in the special touches we’d created to honor her. Jana, you are a gem and I am so grateful for the fact that you were present, caring, and sweet with me in that moment. You are a great photographer (of course) but truly also a great friend that was there for me as I navigated grief the entire time we planned that wedding. So much love to you and your mama Anna Cristina 😘 **Thank you, thank you, thank you to the moon and back to everyone** who celebrated this day with me and Daniel one year ago! Y'all brought my mom in during so many moments and in so many ways - it was honestly one of the best days of my life and I couldn't have done it without you.

What does your grief *really* look like? This last week has been a big one. And I can tell you right now — people think ...
09/13/2020

What does your grief *really* look like? This last week has been a big one. And I can tell you right now — people think grief looks like crying and self-reflection and reminiscing and hugging family and friends that are there for you to lean on 🤨 But for me... grief looks a little different. I lean on family and friends... but while eating a tray of brownies I made for myself and watching Hulu for hours on end 🤷🏽‍♀️ is this what the books said would happen? Nope. Is this what the grief 101 articles predicted? Not so much. But it’s *normal* and *acceptable* and maaaaaybe similar to what a lot of other ppl’s grief looks like too? 😏 so tell me, what does your grief *really* look like? (P.s. these gf vegan brownies were bomb and really did the trick... in case anyone needs a treat for an upcoming deathiversary, milestone, or... s**tty Tuesday 🤤💕)

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