01/20/2019
Happy love yourself day // no filter, just sunshine. This wasn’t a selfie I took today. I don’t feel well today, and feel gross BUT I take selfies like this on days where I feel happy and healthy and accepting of where I am in the process of making decisions, moving forward and surrendering my life over to Jesus. The last couple of years have been spiritually turbulent for me. Doubts of belief, opinions, where my codependency comes from, and layer after layer of peeling back STUFF I just didn’t know was there. I’m calling this period of my life “spiritual groaning.” I’ve never been more unsure of so many things about my faith than now. Most of my conversations internally are 97% questions / 3% answers (well, maybe 10% swearing lol and angry jabs at myself or God or people). I need this though, just like everybody does. People need to ask the hard questions and stick with them until there’s more clarity, revelation, or at least an understanding of what’s at the core of us asking and wondering about that question. We can ask for wisdom to be open to change, and peace with the things there are no clear answers to. Right now, I find myself digging at the layer that just feels angry all the time. And I know that even deeper than that, is a level of pain and mistrust I have in God that I want to get down to. Even deeper than that level, is this absolutely beautiful, shameless little girl who only cares to be completely loved and welcomed no matter what she does or doesn’t do. We get to a point in life where our old ways of finding purpose don’t cut it anymore. That means, there is a process God wants to take you through to become more spiritually mature... but the old ways aren’t going to cut it. There’s a deeper digging that needs to happen to get unstuck. I wrestle with the idea of needing anyone to help me (I feel like I’ve become so rebellious or resistant to receive help) but when I begin to dig deeper, and I’m alone with silence - I realize I want that companionship so much. And dare I say — NEED it. To all your unfiltered, sunshine selfies that are struggling with hard questions — keep digging when you can. The maturing process is happening.