06/21/2023
Title:
𝘐'𝘮 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘴𝘤𝘢𝘳𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘦 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘢𝘯𝘺𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘦.
---
When I was just a little girl,
I asked grandmother, "what could I be?"
She smiled & told me, "that choice is yours.
You shape your destiny."
Que sera sera...
I turned 30 on Father's Day.
It's always befuddling that the stars aligned
to sit my celebration of making it earthside
around a holiday meant for the person
who wanted me aborted.
It's worse grappling with that fact
without being able to run to your mother
and let your tears fall into her bosom
as she holds you.
rocks you.
soothes you with a hum
or in silence.
makes you feel wanted.
feel whole
even with the hole daddy left in your heart.
So for this go'round of solar returns,
my fear of that annual sucker-punch feeling
was the most palpable it's ever been.
I anticipated sitting alone with myself
as my emotions wrestled and muddied together:
happiness at the gift of more life
& a desperate curiosity for what life could've been.
My blessed soul has been scared
that she'll fall short of her life's mission
for so long. twenty-nine years
spent anxiously calculating
how to avoid self-misdirection
while life does coinflips to seal fates anyway.
What I've realized - no,
internalized - for my thirtieth
is something I've always known
but never embraced:
no matter what you do in this
short stint of humanhood
and regardless of your intentions,
nothing is owed
or promised
to you.
So be like Buddha.
Focus on living authentically.
Focus on loving all parts of yourself.
Let the missing pieces fall into place over time.
Those minutes
months
milestones
uncover every what-if,
if you give them room to work.
& when you allow life to bring you
its untold wisdoms,
you receive the gifts of knowledge
and curated community.
& you cherish these gifts.
& you let life show you how to care for these gifts.
& you innately learn to count these blessings.
and baby, I got a lot of 'em.
---
Gabrielle Buffington
