10/16/2026
Michelle is an engineer with more than five years of experience. She wraps a project with her colleague Mike. Mike tells her she did a great job, and that he was really surprised.
She keeps the smile on her face. Inside, she is somewhere else entirely. Insulted again, she thinks. I may never be valued here.
Here is what makes that sentence land the way it does. Surprise requires an expectation. You cannot be surprised by an outcome you thought was likely. So when Mike says he was surprised, he has told Michelle exactly what he expected from her, and it was less than what she delivered.
He almost certainly did not mean it that way. He thought he was handing her a compliment, and in his head, he was.
That is the whole problem with microinsults. They are usually well-intended. The intent stays in the room with the person who spoke. The impact leaves with the person who heard it, and it compounds. These are the comments that historically isolate people, pull down engagement, and quietly move good employees toward the door.
So think about the last time you praised someone and told them you were surprised.
Surprised by what?
Mike will never know he did this. That is what makes it a pattern rather than an incident, and it is why the gap between how you experience your own leadership and how your team experiences it matters more than your intentions do. The Leadership Reality Check measures that gap, free and in five minutes. Link in bio, along with my unconscious bias course if you want the foundation underneath all of this.