04/12/2020
Afraid, lonely, confused, questioning whether this breath of air will be my last. Laying in my tomb of regret while I wait for the ghosts of my past mistakes to usher me into the world of the dead. Pretty graphic but trust me when I say these words fall short in accurately depicting the state of my heart that day.
It was an ordinary Monday afternoon. Sun brightly shining as its beams beat upon my skin, a light, gentle summer breeze gracefully carried a few leaves along with it as it journeyed across the compound. Everything seemed so perfect. Little did I know that all this was just the calm before the storm. In an instant, what I thought would be an amazing day turned out to be my worst nightmare incarnate. I won’t say it took me by surprise, but it caught me off guard. I mean, the possibility of its occurrence was always at the back of my mind, but I got so comfortable that I let my guard down.
Utterly disappointed in myself, I reach out for the most convenient coping mechanism. Joy comes in the morning, but I honestly couldn’t even imagine myself making it through the night. The crevices in my frail heart could not withstand the pain any longer and the weight just crushed me to smithereens.
Want to know exactly what happened that day? Well, I’ll tell you. I saw myself. I looked in the mirror and saw the monster I had become. The fright held me with a grip so firm I stood dead still, scared to take another step as though the ground suddenly turned into a landmine. Standing there, I faced my greatest enemy. With two hands, two feet and a face smeared in the blood of his victims I saw my fiercest foe stare at me with a gaze of fury. The anger burnt so brightly in his eyes as he slowly advanced towards me. His taunts brought the skeletons in my closet to life. The fear pushed me into the cave of my darkest memories.
My past was front and centre. Every attempt to steer clear of my insecurities was a catastrophic failure. My sweaty palms and wobbly knees made it all the more an inevitably futile pursuit. The dreams conceived in my younger innocent mind were drowned in the pool of my self-doubt that got deeper as I grew older. Hate became the robe I instinctively adorned myself with each time I awakened from my slumber.
For the longest time, I had been a pretender. Shamelessly wagging my tail for the approval of people who couldn’t care less about the inner battles I was going through. I would do anything to gain their acceptance. I just wanted to be cool. To fit in. To feel wanted. But I was so desperate that I became oblivious to what was at stake. My honour was the cost.
With time, I found people who actually offered me the acceptance I was looking for. But it was never enough. I found myself wanting more and more. My appetite for approval became so voracious that I became an emotional vampire, sucking the life out of the people closest to me. It was a dark place. A lonely place. A place so unsatisfying that every bite off the fruit of self-pleasure and fulfilment left me hungrier than the last.
The prey became the predator. Like a lion roaming the crispy Serengeti, I was eagerly looking for my next target. That Monday afternoon, I was on my way to devour my next victim. But like Saul on the road to Damascus, the epiphany of my transgressions dawned on me. The guilt weighed so heavy on my chest. A stream of tears rolled down my cheeks, as acid burning the malice that had breaded in the cellar of my soul that has now become a wasteland.
I took one more look in the mirror and I saw a man standing behind me. I didn’t really know him but he brought a sense of safety in the room. He told me his name was Jesus. He said he was there the whole time- when I was afraid, he was there. When I was confused, he was there, when I was hiding my pain in the fig leaves of my addictions he was there, gently calling out my name saying, “I am what you are looking for; I am who you are looking for.” With no further hesitation, he held me in an embrace so warm I never wanted to let go. After so many years, I finally found the peace I was thirsting after. The living water gave life to my weary soul. My burdens were lifted. As my hands were wrapped around him, I felt the hole on his side. I saw the holes in his hands. With tears forming like mist in his eyes he said, “I did it for you, son. And if I had to do it again, I’d do it a billion more times with no hesitation. Welcome home.”
Written by: Lumbanya Mulenga
